Zaius Nation - Some apes are more equal than others

Nyan Newt and Beyond!

2012-01-30T15:36:00.004-06:00

NyaN nEwt!

~ Click here to see Nyan Newt (with music) open in a new window ~

No stranger to the ravages of outer space, presidential hopeful Newt Gingritch has been posing some interesting campaign promises as of late...

Newt's promise to build a a permanent lunar colony to exploit the Moon's resources...

Has met with some scepticism, even within the ranks of his own party.

And despite the fact that Newt's motives to go to the moon are quite benevolent...

He is completely ignoring the dangers of the monstrous mechanical Metal-Munching Moon Mice.

Pink Singing Stupid Girls

2012-01-30T15:30:00.006-06:00

One of the most romantic moments in television history.

No time for blogging today! Ms. Gregarious and I are busy meeting with the local Ladies Home Auxiliary. (Who, me? No, thank you! I'll be over here by the lime jello surprise, thank you.) I the meantime you can watch this swell video of Pink singing Stupid Girls.

I'm gonna Miss Rick Perry...

2012-01-30T15:28:00.002-06:00

The Best Way to Review a Television Program, With Zaius Nation

2012-01-08T15:50:00.004-06:00

Until recently, I have faithfully watched 30 Rock once a week for years.

Now Comedy Central plays two episodes of 30 Rock every weekday!

I love all of the characters on 30 Rock, especially Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming Jack Donaghy [ 2 ] and the star of The Girlie Show, Jenna Maroney [ 2, 3, 4 ].

One of the greatest things about Comedy Central playing reruns of one of my favorite TV shows is that I can now sing the theme song to 30 Rock to my kitty 10 times a week instead of only once!

While watching television, the most important part of watching any TV series is singing the theme music to your cat, of course. If your cat likes it when you sing the theme music from a TV show to him, then it must be a pretty good show. (This is the secret to finding good television programming!) The greatest things about singing to your cat are:

1. They actually like silly lyrics, as long as the lyrics are about them.
2. They don't care if you have a terrible singing voice.
3. Sometimes they even sing along!

So in keeping with my tradition of singing television theme music to my cat, I've been singing the theme music to 30 Rock to my cat, Captain Nemo:

Ne-Mo
Na-Na-Na-Nemo
Na-Na-Na-Na
(na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na)
Ne-MO!
Na-Na-Na-Nemo
Na-Na-Na-Na
(brief staccato bass section)
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Ne-MO!

I only sing the horn section of the 30 Rock music to my cat. I don't sing the staccato string section nor the percussion section during the themes brief introduction because, as we all know, that would be silly.

Sadly, I think that I have seen every episode of 30 Rock at least twice, so I shall have to wait until the show returns to NBC prime time on Thursday, January 12.

In the meantime, Santa brought me the boxed set of all three seasons of Kung Fu!

No, wait... I'm sorry. I meant this boxed set...

So naturally I've been singing the sorrowful and slightly racist theme music to the awesome television show Kung Fu to my cat. The signature of the theme is as follows, which is repeated during the introduction as well as during the ending credits of the show:

Neee-MO-nemo
Nemo nemo-nemo-NE-mo-nemo
Ne-mo-nemo-neee-moo-nemo
nemo-nemo-Ne-ee-MOO!

and then comes the part where Master Kan says, "As quickly as you can, snatch the pebble from my hand...", Which I find is a very appropriate time for a vigorous kitty back rub, followed by a methodical skritching behind the kitty's ears.

What television theme songs have you been singing to your cat?

Kung Fu Zaius

Fear is the only darkness.
All creatures are one with nature.
Chi always lasts.
Peace is prized above victory.
What happens is already written.
The wise always remain humble.
All creatures have virtues.
Leave no place for death to enter.
Seek not to contend.
Trust, but expect the unexpected.

Accept the ways of others.
Is a man's Universe only himself?
Not many things... One.
Cowardice is wisdom of weakness.
The soul only records growth.
Undiscerning minds absorb poison.
I worship life.
Disregard how others see you.
Let tears and joy come unplanned.
Be nothing and become everything.

We only know good because of evil.
Look beyond the letter of the law.
Change and find the Truth.
Look beyond the surface.
Afford such arrogance?
Nature is always impartial.
Who can defeat himself?
Peace lies in the Path.
The Beginning of Wisdom
Po's words of wisdom

John Boehner Dines On a Christmas Dinner of Humble Pie and a Side of Crow

2011-12-24T06:59:00.000-06:00

John Boehner has shown renewed vigor and vitality as Speaker of the House recently...

Or then again, maybe not.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

2011-12-24T06:49:00.001-06:00

Yuletide greetings, everyone!

I am catching up on some last minute Christmas correspondence...

But I am republishing a special Christmas recipe for you...

Handed down by the Great Lawgiver, who brought presents to all of the good apes and gave lobotomies to all of those pesky humans. Here is his divine simian recipe:

Milk Punch ala the Great Lawgiver
Fill the blender 3/4 full of ice
fill the blender 3/4 full of milk
2 capfulls of vanilla (1/2 teaspoon)
4 heaping tablespoons of sugar
Mix in 3 shots of brandy
Sprinkle Nutmeg on each serving.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Cthulhu Christmas Carols

2011-12-24T06:41:00.000-06:00

mtmmas01un1

Cthulhu's song
The Shoggoth Song
Death To The World
Mi-Go We Have Heard On High
Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones
Silent Night, Blasphemous Night
Harley Got Devoured by the Undead
Great Old Ones Are Coming To Town
It's Beginning To Look a lot Like Fishmen

Oh Cthulhu
Es Y'golonac
Away In A Madhouse
Elvis Presley - Blue Solstice
Freddy the Red Brained Mi-Go
Carol of the Old Ones Sing-Along
I Saw Mommy Kissing Yog-Sothoth
Have yourselves a scary little Solstice
It's the Most Horrible Time of the Year

I'm listening to all of these swell Cthulhu Christmas carols! My personal favorites are "Carol of the Old Ones", "Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones" and of course Elvis Presley singing, "Blue Solstice". Many of these songs are from the album: "A Very Scary Solstice" by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society.

The Real Meaning of Christmas

2011-12-24T06:37:00.002-06:00

December's Awesome Facebook Pictures!
Zaius Nation: What do you call people who are afraid of Christmas? 'Claus-trophobic!'
The Pretenders - 2000 Miles (Remastered)
Major Matt Mason - a toy collection (Facebook)
Star Wars AT-AT Pancakes
How Germany Builds Twice as Many Cars as the U.S. While Paying Its Workers Twice as Much
Freakiest Ads of 2011 - Basement 'Rabbit' | Adweek
Video: Cat Hiccups and Farts at the Same Time
Video: William Shatner on the dangers of Thanksgiving dinner. BEWARE!
One Girl Starts an Awesome Flash Mob Mashup in the Mall
Top 6 Amazing Facebook Infographics
Google Memory Page
The Gettysburg Powerpoint Presentation
Processed Meats Declared Too Dangerous for Human Consumption
Video: Doctor Who Yo Mama Jokes - Awkward Spaceship
The Top Seven Santas with a Bladed Weapon
The 11 Best/Worst Vagina Tattoos Of All Time [NSFW]
George Takei Rallies Star Trek And Star Wars Fans To Unite Against Twilight
If you ever had any doubt the the media was controlled
Damn! Van Damme!
Planet of the Heavily Armed Apes
Tea Party Report
Susie Sit Downs - God's Word with Pastor Jim
Fox News Show Awarded 'Top Misinformer Of 2011'
What Liberals Fought For And Conservatives Fought Against
10 Reasons Not To Vote For Ron Paul
20 Reasons I won't Vote for Ron Paul

27 worst nativity sets: the annual, growing list!

A Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer

2011-12-24T05:39:00.001-06:00

3wissdndes

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I have finally got most of the Christmas ornaments up on the west wing. Now for the entry hall! But before we tackle that project, I wanted to take this special Christmastime moment to share with you a Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer. I am sure that you will agree that the message conveyed is certainly a most accurate portrayal of the Christmas season as we celebrate it here in the United States.

Christine O'Donnell Still Doesn't Want You to Touch Your Penis!

2011-12-20T03:05:00.003-06:00

Remember Christine O'Donnell, the "I'm not a witch" and "God doesn't want you to masturbate" Tea Party candidate who defeated U.S. Representative and former governor Michael Castle in Delaware's September 2010 Republican primary for the U.S. Senate, only to then lose the seat held by Republicans for 18 years to Democrat Chris Coons by a margin of 57% to 40%? [ 1 ] Me neither! (as my good friend Tengrain would say.)

Well it would seem that despite her creation of a PAC, Ms. O'Donnell has fallen out favor with the Tea Party as of late. Why are those wacky Republicans so gosh darned fickle these days?

'Not a witch' O'Donnell endorses Romney for Prez
Christine O'Donnell and the Fix Endorsement Hierarchy
O'Donnell's 'unreliable' Gingrich zing
Christine O'Donnell Touring Early 2012 States
Updated: Christine O'Donnell meets tea-party activists in West Des Moines
Christine O'Donnell Rejected by Iowa Tea Party Groups
15 Iowa tea party-related groups reject Christine O'Donnell's meetup invitation
**I Had a One-Night Stand With Christine O'Donnell
Christine O'Donnell invents a New Sugar Daddy [ 2 ]
Christine O'Donnell To Build Addition To Home [...]
ChristinePAC | Official Site

Vive la Différence!

2011-12-20T02:56:00.004-06:00

A brief but delightful tale of redemption, peer pressure, and the importance of blind conformity - Charlton Comics' The Difference.

The Great GOP Hot Air Balloon Race

2011-12-12T07:21:00.002-06:00

With less than a month until the Iowa caucuses, Newt Gingrich is enjoying a comfortable lead over the rest of the Republican candidates.

Trying to narrow the gap in the race is proving to be a very difficult task for the GOP favorite...

And while other contenders in the race have had some success with tried and true methods...

Some candidates can't even seem to get their campaigns off the ground.

Ack! My Christmas Has Been Ruined!

2011-12-06T14:40:00.002-06:00

Ack! My Christmas has been ruined! I went to the local Walgreens to buy my large daily bag of my medicinal Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and was shocked to find that they did not have any regular large bags of wholesome and health-giving Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, the only Reeses Peanut Butter goodness that they had in a large bag were Reeses Peanut Butter TREES!

I was forced to buy these atrocities, of course. What else was I to do? I could not allow myself to succumb to an damaging and harmful anti-sucrose coma that would beinduced by a diet completely devoid of the healthful effects of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. But these Reeses Peanut Butter Trees are an atrocity! An aberration against god and nature!

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups are aerodynamic, and thus by very design they are both roundish and circular - a shape that is both easy to digest and pleasing to the eye and stomach. On the other hand, Reeses Peanut Butter Trees are pointy and angular, and they are entirely without the palette-pleasing edge ridges of a regular Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.

Oh, the horror.

Red Peters singing "Have A Wonderful Hawaiian Christmas!"

2011-12-06T14:38:00.003-06:00

zhawaiianxmas2

No time for blogging today! I'm busy drumming up business for my friends down at the local funeral parlor. (I wouldn't want to shirk in my duties as a job creator!) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of Red Peters singing "Have A Wonderful Hawaiian Christmas!" Aloha, kids!

The Latest Edition of Awesome Facebook Pictures!
Animated Comic Covers!
Hottest Gamer Girls...Ever, Part One
Your Smartphone Is Spying on You
Heroic Dog Rescues Kittens Dumped in Traffic
Texts From Bennett
The World's Biggest Insect Is So Freaking Huge It Can Eat a Carrot
Animals of YouTube sing "Jingle Bells"
CATalunia Boy's Choir
Fracking May Have Caused 50 Earthquakes in Oklahoma
Kitty Plays Fetch
Bad Photos
Simon's Cat in 'Double Trouble'
Shoes 4 Cecilia
Screamin' Jay Hawkins - Shut Your Mouth When You Sneeze
Camouflage Paintings
Angry Cobra-Cat
Ghostbusters Fans: Halloween Costume Contest Entries (Facebook)
Wookiee The Chew
Ten stories of people moving their money, despite bank efforts to stop them
Map: The Nuclear Bombs in Your Backyard
5 ways to help your pet live longer
Shocking News Cast
Bert Brandon of Interplanetary Insurance, Inc.

And...
Moms Blast Xmas Vid From Justin Bieber & Mariah Carey As Too Sexy [ 2, 3 ]
(I was actually far more offended by the ridiculous number of product placements in the video.)

Im Ho Tep Lives!

2011-12-06T14:33:00.000-06:00

As you may have heard, they are voting for new leadership in Egypt...

...I hope that they elect my good friend Boris Karloff!

Pedobear Says...

2011-12-06T14:31:00.000-06:00

Beware! Take Cover! It's the end of Daylight Saving Time as we know it!

2011-11-04T14:31:00.003-05:00

Citizens, beware! Daylight Saving Time as we know it will end this Sunday at 2:00 a.m. local standard time, which (through the dark technology of time travel) shall become 1:00 a.m. local daylight time!

When a time change is actually occurring, take shelter immediately. Put together a kit of emergency supplies. Determine in advance where you will take shelter during time change. (Storm cellars or basements provide the best protection.)

If underground shelter is not available, go into an interior room or hallway on the lowest floor possible. Stay clear of clocks and devices with internal chronometers, such as VCRs and some microwaves. Stay away from windows, doors and outside walls. Go to the center of the room. Stay away from corners because they attract time ripples and temporal distortions.

Parts of Arizona, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Idaho and Montana are not affected by the ravages of Daylight Saving Time. Other areas in the U.S. that are spared the horrific effects of Daylight Saving Time are Hawaii, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands.

Final tip: It is NOT Daylight Savings time--there's no "s" after Saving. It's Daylight Saving Time, singular.

As a time traveling simian spiritual leader from the future, I know about these things!

PST: Pacific Time (GMT -08:00)	MST: Mountain Time (GMT -07:00)
CST: Central Time (GMT -06:00)	EST: Eastern Time (GMT -07:00)

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T14:28:00.000-05:00

(My good friend George sent me this.)

October Ritual

It's Halloween night. Yes, it's finally here.

I've bought all the candy – twice as much as last year.

I have Hershey and Nestle and Tootsie Roll Pops,

Marshmallow pumpkins, black and orange gum drops,

Snickers, and Reese's, M&Ms, Milky Ways,

Baby Ruth, Butterfinger, taffy, Pay Days,

Candy corn, Almond Joys, Good ‘n' Plenty, and Mounds,

Skittles and Kit Kats, Cracker Jack by the pounds.

There are Three Musketeers, Junior Mints that I'll freeze.

I've splurged on Godiva and boxes of See's.

Yes now I am ready; I've spared no expense.

So let's get things started. Let the evening commence.

Though the street will be crowded with children galore,

I'm not turning the light on. I won't answer the door.

That shouldn't surprise you; it's clear, don't you see?

For all of the candy's for me – just for me!

Awesome Facebook Pictures (Halloween Edition)

2011-10-31T14:24:00.000-05:00

Awesome Facebook Pictures (Halloween Edition)

The Zaius Nation Guide to Feeding Your Cat

2011-10-16T12:05:00.006-05:00

I think that the best method for feeding your cat is to buy it in bulk, and then arrange it in your cabinet categorized by flavor. If you feed your cat each can sequentially, you know that you are feeding him or her a delicious treat that they haven't had for several days. This takes all of the guesswork out of which can to feed your cat next. Cat food problem solved!

Of course, one must first make a careful study of which kinds of food your cat likes to eat. This can only be accomplished by a painstaking process of trial and error, but I definitely think that the results are worth it. Here is the findings of my own detailed study of the eating habits of my cat, Captain Nemo:

My Cat's Favorite Foods: A Detailed Analysis

catfood2

Recent Customer Service Changes in the Banking Industry

2011-10-16T12:02:00.001-05:00

Youtube.com: Close Your Bank Account and Get Arrested!
theblaze.com: 'I'm a Customer!': Wild Video as Cops Arrest Dozens for Trespassing at Citibank
gather.com: Developing Story: People Arrested for Trying to Close Citibank Accounts
wonkette.com: NYPD Arrests Woman For Closing Her Citibank Account (VIDEO)
gawker.com: This Video of NYPD Arresting a Woman at Citibank Certainly Doesn't Look Good
redgreenandblue.org: DON’T close your Citibank account today. They're arresting people.
mogulite.com: OWS: If You Try to Close out Your Citibank Account, You Will be Arrested

This Month's Collection of Awesome Facebook pictures

2011-10-16T11:56:00.001-05:00

Click Here For This Month's Collection of Awesome Facebook pictures!

Sarah Palin Quits Before She Starts! ("Only Dead Fish Go With the Flow, Don't Cha Know.")

2011-10-06T13:12:00.001-05:00

I am sorry that Sarah Palin has decided to not run for president in 2012...

...At least she still has her has her job at FOX News to fall back on!

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2011-10-06T13:10:00.001-05:00

Steve Jobs
(02/24/1955 - 10/05/2011)

Due To a Recent Turn of Events, I Have Decided to Join the Suffragette Movement!

2011-10-06T13:03:00.011-05:00

[ 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 ]

No time for blogging today! I'm finally back at work, working half days for the time being. It still hurts when I stand up or walk for more than a few minutes though, and I still have problems if I sit upright for more than a few hours. I start getting these pains in my left Oreo Double Stuff Mint Chocolate Cookie and other related unmentionable regions.

But that's not all! a couple of weeks ago I contracted a horrible rash that goes from my left thigh to my right thigh and covers everything in between, which the doctor diagnosed as a yeast infection caused by the veritable Smorgasbord of antibiotics I have been taking. (For this condition the doctor has prescribed a little pink pill to go with my vast, newly acquired collection of pharmaceutical products. Also, the nurse has recommended that I apply liberal doses of Monistat 7 twice daily.)

Using my vast medical acumen to diagnose my own recent condition, I have determined that I am turning into a woman! Ack! Just look at the facts of the case:

Due to the open wound left by my recent surgery, every day I find blood in my underpants.

I have a yeast infection in my rough and tumblies. For this infection I have been applying Monistat 7 at the direction of the nurse. (I got some funny looks at the drugstore where I bought it, I must say.)

Because I have been taking so many different kind of antibiotics that are destroying all of my intestinal flora and fauna that I use to digest food, my doctor says that I have to eat yogurt three times a day. (Yogurt! **Shudder**)

I am taking little pink pills for my rash.

they have put a bathroom scale in the bathroom at work, so I am now constantly obsessing about my weight every time I see it. (I have actually lost 20 pounds! I am sure that I will find it around here somewhere, I fear...)

I have resolved myself to embrace this recent turn of events. Being a lady is an attitude! I am woman! I am invincible! I am getting rather tired of these ongoing medical issues, however...

Now We Just Need a Baked Potato, and Maybe a Nice Salad...

2011-09-27T10:25:00.002-05:00

I am glad that President Obama has finally offered his party some red meat...

...because I was getting pretty tired of the same old dance moves...

The Dream Sequence From Spellbound

2011-09-27T10:20:00.000-05:00

zspellbound

No time for blogging today! I am very busy discussing my dreams with my psychiatrist Dr. Bergman. (She claims that the fanciful images that I encounter in my dreams are the result of an overly rich and unwholesome diet. This is ridiculous, of course. My diet is very wholesome!) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of the dream sequence from the film Spellbound, designed by Salvidor Dali. (Jeepers! My watch is melting!)

Physician, Heal Thyself! (Within Your Primary Care Network, Preferably.)

2011-09-21T05:25:00.004-05:00

No time for blogging today! I am busy being overly dramatic about my own imagined demise, so I am filling my time making funeral arrangements and deciding what to have engraved on my headstone. (I keep telling myself that my death isn't really the end, as I know that I will still have probate to look forward to.)

On the first of this month I had surgery somewhere in the region of my Hostess Twinkie and my Oreo Double Stuff Mint Chocolate Cookies for an odd condition that only old men get. (He also did this really gruesome diagnostic thing while I was under the anesthetic for another unrelated condition that I don't even like to think about.) The doctor told me that I would be up and about in only three days after the surgery. After the surgery I felt pretty good. I stayed over at my Mom's house that night because it was recommended in the doctor's literature that I not be left alone for 24 hours.

When I woke up the next day (which was a Friday), I felt a pain in my side and in my groin. I figured that I had slept in a funny position or something, and assumed the problem would go away. The day after that the pain kept getting worse and worse. It hurt whenever I stood up, walked around, sat in a chair, or did just about anything. I could barely walk! The only comfortable position for me to be in was lying down in bed.

The longer I stood or walked the more it hurt. This put a very definite sense of urgency in any task I performing, such as getting food or going to the bathroom or whatever. I would try and time these events to the pain pills I was taking, with varying degrees of success.

I grew increasingly frantic, and called the On-Call Surgeon a couple of times. (The nurse had given me his number in case of an emergency.) He was concerned that I might have a kidney stone, but as I didn't feel any pain when I coughed and had no history of kidney stone trouble, he felt that scenario was unlikely. He told me to wait to see the doctor after the weekend. (My having a kidney stone would seem especially unlikely because of the positive holistic effects of my strict health food diet of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and ice cream sandwiches.)

After an excruciating weekend I went back to the doctor that Tuesday, because they were closed for the Labor Day Holiday on Monday. After explaining my condition he went "Tut tut" under his breath, had the nurse give me an enormous shot of antibiotics, and changed the antibiotic pills he was giving me. He said that all would be well by Thursday.

I almost broke out laughing at one point during this office visit. Both the doctor and the nurse urged me to sit in a warm bath for 20 minutes to help relax all of the muscles. With a grimace I had to explain to them that I could barely walk to and from the bathroom. "With a great degree of difficulty I might be able to actually get into the tub, but I certainly won't be able to pull myself out again!" I said.

The doctor explained that the problem is that I have an infection in one of my Oreo Double Stuff Mint Chocolate Cookies, and when all of the muscles and tendons in that general area bear any weight they press upon the infected area and causes pain. (According to the internet tubes, there is a 2% risk of infection or complications from this procedure. Just my luck.) This explanation still sounds kind of stupid to me. I would much prefer to be suffering from a much more dramatic sounding and sympathy inducing disorder.

On Thursday I felt even worse, and went back to the doctor again. The nurse gave me another enormous shot of antibiotics, the doctor gave me a new prescription for pain killers and another layer of platitudes and hollow promises. This time he said that I was going to feel better by Sunday. By Saturday, I did actually feel substantially better than I did the week before in that it didn't hurt nearly so much to stand up and walk as before. I was still in pain though.

When I ask the doctor about why the infection is taking so long to heal, he just says that "it's like that sometimes." He is really hard to pin down when questioned on any subject regarding my condition, however. He seems somewhat disinterested in my dilemma in general. The nurse said that the pain was so severe because of all of the nerves down there. It's funny that before the operation I had a sense of foreboding about the surgery. (I guess that is natural any time you have surgery.) I had no idea that it would be this bad, though!

I was given a rather complex and surprisingly ineffective "athletic supporter" at the hospital that I have to wear over my underpants, which is really funny looking. Also it is very important that I wear briefs instead of my usual boxers because of the greater degree support that they afford. For the the first week and a half after the operation I had to actually cut the elastic waistband in several places because the pressure from the elastic was unbearable. The effect of this was that whenever I had to hobble to the kitchen or the bathroom I had to hold up my underpants as well. I fear that I must have looked rather silly.

Also, I can no longer wear a belt because it hurts. I have been wearing suspenders under my shirt because when I wear the suspenders over my shirt I look vaguely like a cross between Larry King and Baby Huey.

The wound left by the operation is straight out of a horror film. It looks like this: if you peel an orange and then pull the orange segments in half - That's what it looks like. There is now this huge chasm bisecting the left side from the right that wasn't there before. It's like a huge wrinkly crater between my twin moons of Endor. And it's an open wound, no bandage or stitches anymore, and it still bleeds! I am just supposed to stuff my underpants with gauze, according to the doctor. I now have some small idea of what women go through when they say "Aunt Flo's coming for a visit" or they are "Taking Carrie to the Prom" as I now constantly have blood in my underpants. The doctor says that the wound will close in time, though. I hope so, I feel faint when I look at it.

On my last visit to the doctor he seemed sympathetic, but all he did was look at the horror movie between my legs again, prescribe me a third kind of antibiotic and told me not to worry about all of the blood and stuff. He also said that I have to eat yogurt three times a day because I have been taking so many antibiotics for so long that it is destroying all of my intestinal flora and fauna that I use to digest food. I was particularly offended by this as I hate yogurt! Everybody knows that yogurt is just microbe poop.

It is now 21 days since the operation, and I am actually starting to feel much better. I think I am going to try to go back to work soon. (Although I have felt that way several times already during this episode, and always ended up feeling worse the next day.) My symptoms and woes at present are as follows:

It still hurts to stand up and walk. The longer I am standing or walking the more it hurts. This is not nearly as bad it was before, though. The problem that I have now is that if I sit at the computer for about an hour or so I start getting these pains. If I ignore the pains I eventually break out in a sweat and have to immediately lie down. It helps some if I take aspirin or ibuprofen. This is my biggest problem right now.

If I go out to the doctor or the drug store, I get exhausted very quickly. (My Mom has been driving me everywhere.) At one point I tried to go get a burrito while my mom stepped in across the way and I just couldn't stand in line. I had to sit down. I actually break into a sweat when I overexert myself. I have no stamina.

I can't lift anything heavier than a half gallon of milk, and I have trouble bending down. Anything that accidentally falls to the ground has to be prioritized as to how important it is to pick up, or whether I can live without it for the time being. I dropped some ice cubes the other day, and I decided that I could live with a puddle on the kitchen floor rather than having to bend down to pick them up.

Due to the nature and location of the surgery, I now walk like John Wayne sitting around the campfire. (And when I say "John Wayne sitting around the campfire," I mean literally "sitting around the campfire.") I don't so much limp as swagger incoherently.

Because of these two conditions, I now have to take lots and lots of pills. I had to go buy this enormous pill box that has 28 compartments, and I still use a separate one for the antibiotics. Nothing makes you feel like an old person like filling and doling out pills from a huge pill box. I hate it.

The worst part about this whole mess is that this procedure was very expensive, and my insurance only covers a percentage of the surgery. (The only expense that they cover 100% is embalming.) That means that I am going to have to pay a large chunk of my savings for the dubious honor of starring in my own little horror movie. If you are curious, you can read what others have said of this particular procedure.

On the plus side, my evil cat, Captain Nemo, has been by my side ever since the operation, and my Mom has been an enormous help every day. Thanks, Mom!

Oh, and regarding my upcoming funeral - in lieu of flowers, please send memorials and monetary gifts to my favorite charity, The Cake And Ice Cream Defense Fund.

Driving Miss Crazy

2011-06-01T18:14:00.002-05:00

No time for blogging today! I am busy catching up on some of my favorite old TV shows. In the meantime you can watch this swell video that I made of the Sarah Palin Bus Tour and the 2011 Republican Presidential Candidates. (Oh Laurie Partridge, Why Do You Vex Me So?)

Lord Tubbington Is Very Popular With the Ladies

2011-06-01T18:12:00.000-05:00

Click here to see Lord Tubbington in action. (NSFW!)

Ack! My Great, Great Grandfather Might Be Killed By a Girl Scout Cookie!

2011-05-26T13:37:00.002-05:00

As all of my gentle readers already know, I am a mega-fan of Girl Scout Cookies, so imagine my horror when I found out that Girl Scout Cookies are killing my orangutan ancestors! It is all just too horrible to imagine... Stop the horror! Stop the horror at once!

mongabay.com: Girls Scouts censors Facebook page after coming under criticism
grist.org: Girl Scouts censor Facebook criticism of palm oil in cookies
jezebel.com: The Great Girl Scouts Insurrection
wsj.com: Girl Scouts Bake Up Plan To Tackle Cookie Worries
nonprofitquarterly.org: Youth Activism: Two Girl Scouts Create Rebellion in the Ranks
huffingtonpost.com: Girl Scout Cookies Under Fire For Endangering Orangutans (VIDEO)
triplepundit.com: Are Girl Scout Cookies Biodiversity Killers and Censorship Monsters?
greenanswers.com: Former Scouts Meet With Top Girl Scout Officials to Discuss Cookies
philanthropy.com: Two Girl Scouts Take on Parent Group Over Cookie Recipe

I must be brave in the face of this abhorrent situation.

Quick! Activate Mitt Romney Emergency Sanctimonious Flip Flop Strategy Plan Delta!

2011-05-26T13:19:00.000-05:00

Who knew that Mitt Romney was such an imaginative fellow. [ 2, 3, 4 ]

Axe Cop

2011-05-26T13:11:00.002-05:00

~ Axe Cop videos will play in this window ~

No time for blogging today! I am off to Chicago (The Murder Capital of America) to help Germaine Gregarious work on her doctoral thesis. (What I don't understand is why can't her doctor work on his own thesis?) In the meantime you can watch these swell videos of the amazing Axe Cop [ 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 ], a tale of the trials and tribulations of a modern policeman written by a 7 year old and drawn by his slightly older brother. (Enjoy the videos! I've got to go stock up on quicklime, plastic bags, rope, and lots of extra Handi Wipes for the trip.)

The Secret Photo of What Happened at Bin Laden's Compound!

2011-05-05T13:44:00.000-05:00

Click here to see the secret photos of what happened at Bin Laden's Compound!

The First Lady dances on the gave of Osama Bin Laden... Has she no respect for the dead?
Keith Olbermann: A Special Comment: The Death of Osama bin Laden
crooksandliars.com: Yes Folks, Glenn Beck Went There
zap2it.com: 'Obama Bin Laden Dead': FOX News affiliate defends itself for typo
yahoo.com: Bin Laden news finds pundits forsaking usual comfort zones
thehill.com: No House resolution honoring military's bin Laden mission
youtube.com: Trump learns of Osama Bin Laden's Death
oliverwillis.com: Waterboarding Was NOT Used To Capture Bin Laden
crooksandliars.com: Fox wants to be sure everyone gives Bush credit for Bin Laden's death
thinkprogress.org: Palin Thanks Bush For Bin Laden Raid, Doesn't Mention Obama Once
crooksandliars.com: Sarah Palin's tribute to the military becomes a nasty attack on Obama
thinkprogress.org: Analysis: Bush's Lackluster Hunt For Bin Laden
crooksandliars.com: Joe Scarborough: Obama's Base Didn't Want Him To Catch Bin Laden
youtube.com: 10 Cutest Cat Moments

The Talking Sarah Palin Commemorative Freedom Statue

2011-05-05T13:38:00.001-05:00

Mouse over image to see what the Talking Sarah Palin Commemorative Freedom Statue says about the mission to kill Osama Bin Laden! [ 2 ]

Giant Science Fiction Microorganism, I Think I Love You!

2011-05-05T13:35:00.003-05:00

~ Video will play in this window ~

No time for blogging today! As a member of the Unannounced Presidential Candidate Club, I am busy dispensing empty platitudes and broken promises to my disgruntled public. (I can say with all confidence that my worthless rhetoric is far superior to the worthless rhetoric of my unnamed opponents.) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of Belle Avery in the timeless classic "Giant science fiction microorganism, I think I love you!" (This is definitely one of the most romantic moments in television history.)

Laurie Partridge, Why Do You Vex Me So?

2011-05-05T13:32:00.001-05:00

Laurie Partridge's reaction to her date to the school dance (a biker named Snake) when he attacked a group of football players with the punchbowl.

Birther Theory A Go Go!

2011-04-29T10:19:00.001-05:00

News Flash: It has been reported that Donald Trump was so upset that President Obama has produced a birth certificate that his hair hit a *12* on a scale of 1 to 10!

Meanwhile, swift boatnik Jerome Corsi is quite upset that Obama's revelation is going to affect his book sales. [ 2, 3, 4, 5 ]

Cooler minds have prevailed, however...

Thank god that everything is back to normal!

The Original Broadway Version of "Little Shop of Horrors"

2011-04-29T10:17:00.000-05:00

Little Shop of Horrors

No time for blogging today! I am busy trying to nurse my new house plant back to health. I've tried everything! Plant food, pot-ash, mineral supplements, grow lights... I can't imagine what the poor little thing wants! (What does it want from me? Blood?!?) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of the original Broadway version of "Little Shop of Horrors" [13:21] that I found over at Vinnie Rattolle's Place.

Science Fiction Women In Bottles, and the Creepy Men Who Love Them

2011-04-21T15:57:00.002-05:00

Previously I have discussed the Media Cliché of "Men Seldom Make Passes at Girls Who Wear Glasses." Today I submit another familiar cultural stereotype created by men to depict women as helpless. Like the commonplace prosaicisms of a women tied to the railroad tracks or sinking into quicksand, I present Science Fiction Women In Bottles, and the Creepy Men Who Love Them.

Maybe Hitler Was just "Uppity"

2011-04-21T15:53:00.002-05:00

It wasn't until I heard all of this talk...

about Obama being like Hitler that I realized...

exactly how racist this image is.

A Racy Photo of Brigette Bardot's Pineal Gland!

2011-04-21T15:27:00.000-05:00

A racy photo of Brigette Bardot's pineal gland!

Mouse over image to see a racy photo of Brigette Bardot's pineal gland!

Paul Ryan's 2012 Budget: It Gives to the Rich, and Steals From the Poor!

2011-04-15T18:25:00.005-05:00

Paul Ryan's budget has passed in the house! [ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 ]

Despite the controversy in the media...

He's only giving the people what they want. [ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ]

I don't really see what all the fuss is about! Except there is one thing that troubles me...

If President Obama is the Sheriff of Nottingham...

Then that means that Maid Marian is David Koch! [ 1, 2, 3, 4 ]

Liquid TV's Psycho Gram (Plus More!)

2011-04-15T18:18:00.004-05:00

psychogram17

Liquid TV's Psycho Gram:1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17

No time for blogging today! I am too busy scouring the internet for snippets from the awesome MTV TV show, Liquid Television. [ 2 ] Aside from Psycho Gram, My favorite bits on the show were Aeon Flux, Stevie and Zoya, and Bill Plympton. But I had nearly forgotten about some of the other great cartoons, like Miss Lidia's Makeover [ 2, 3 ], Stick Figure Theatre [ 2, 3 ], Lea Press-On Limbs, Istanbul (Not Constantinople), Grinning Evil Death, Dog Brain, Sweeper, Art School Girls of Doom [ 2 ], Koko's Earth Control, Don't Go In The Basement, Dog Boy, etc., etc. Hold all of my calls, Miss Hathaway! I shall be busy kanoodling with the internet tubes this afternoon...

My Friend George Sent Me This

2011-04-15T18:16:00.000-05:00

hide and seek cat

Orange kitty explains hide and seek for old people.

It's My Birthday!

2011-04-15T18:15:00.001-05:00

dfsddqff

No time for blogging today - It's my birthday! I was born in 3795 A.D., which means that I am negative 1784 years old! (Try and explain that to the DMV.) I think that I shall spend my birthday digging up some old friends. (One annoying thing about cemeteries is that everybody speaks in such a grave manner!) In the meantime, you can watch this swell video of "The Adventures of Lil' Cthulhu". (Gosh, he's a cute little fellah!)

By the way, tomorrow the 16th is BAC's Birthday, so we are practically sharing the same shallow grave! Also, Tuesday the 13th was Texas Betsy's Birthday! Also, I have the same birthday as my friend Steve at work! Yay!

Banana Twinkies for everybody!

My Unsubstantiated Claims are Wildly Arriving at Unfounded Conclusions

2011-03-24T16:05:00.000-05:00

obama mission accomplished

I certainly hope that the no-fly zone in Libya does not become President Obama's defining moment. Click here to watch Keith Olbermann's Special Comment on the subject: Libya, Obama and the Five-Second Rule. This is from his blog at The FOK News Channel.

I Wonder If He Asks For Seperate Checks?

2011-03-24T16:04:00.000-05:00

Newt Gingritch is now ordering two meals at a time, one for each face! [ 2, 3 ]

You Can't Teach People to be Lazy - Either They Have It, or They Don't.

2011-03-24T15:56:00.001-05:00

I was perusing a recent article, "States With the Most Couch Potatoes," and I was shocked to find that my own state was not amongst those five that were deemed the most physically inactive. According to the article, the least physically active states are Tennessee, Louisiana, Mississippi, Kentucky, Alabama, and North Carolina.

I felt cheated. Certainly my state should be on that list. I live in one of the nine states that has a prevalence of obesity equal to or greater than 30%, fer crying out loud!

I knew that my state is literally lousy with loafing, lethargic layabouts - but how could I prove it? I quickly rifled through the article's source material, State Indicator Report on Physical Activity - and upon reading the graph on page 14, my heart sank as I realized that my own state fell just about dead center in the category of physically active adults. I knew this couldn't be right. I felt that a great injustice had been done by this article!

And then I found the author's oversight... The source that the article cited lists more than one category of lazy, languid loafing! Whereas my state surprisingly seems almost halfway energetic in the category of physically active adults, we almost make it to the top 10 in the category of people that have no leisure-time physical activity! And that's a category that I can wholeheartedly say that I support 100%. Sometimes I am so inert, torpid and full of chocolate that I veritably hover between blindly stuporous and a persistant vegetative state!

Feeling somewhat vindicated by my scientific findings, I have created a a graph that displays these results side by side so that you can look up the the languid reputation of your own state. Click here to find out how shiftless and unenergetic your state is!

"Gotta Have My Bowl. Gotta Have Cereal."

2011-03-16T08:21:00.004-05:00

newvids020710

No time for blogging today! I am too busy watching this awesome video of Rebecca Black singing the song "Friday"! I am happy to say that the mainstream media has recognized this amazing new talent [ 2, 3 ], and that the vast Youtubular public has seen fit to imitate Rebecca Black's amazing song with video interpretations of their own: [ 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 17 ] (I especially like this one and this one.)

The lyrics are truly inspirational:
"Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today is Friday, Friday
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards..."

So true. So true.

Yes, I Always Choose the Top Hat.

2011-03-16T08:16:00.002-05:00

I just wanted everyone to know that unlike everyone else, when I play Monopoly...

I never choose the Race Car...

I always choose the Top Hat.

(But that's only because they don't make a piece that represents two slices of chocolate cake.)

"Hericane Is No More..."

2011-03-16T08:14:00.001-05:00

Perhaps the greatest character transistion in the history of comic books.

Underneath That Wacky Exterior, Glenn Beck is Still Crazy to the Bone

2011-03-03T14:08:00.000-06:00

Just a Quick word about Charle Sheen...

He's still not as crazy as Glenn Beck.

The Catholic Spiritual Roto-Rooter App

2011-03-03T14:07:00.000-06:00

As predicted by the documentary THX-1138, the U.S. Catholic Church has given its blessing to an iPhone app aimed at helping Catholics with confession. [ 2 ]

"You are a true believer. Blessings of the state, blessings of the masses. Thou art a subject of the divine. Created in the image of man, by the masses, for the masses. Let us be thankful we have commerce. Buy more. Buy more now. Buy more... and be happy."

THX-1138

You can also buy buy a Gothic Jesus MP3 Player!

Ezra Klein: How to Fix Social Security in One Graph

2011-03-03T14:06:00.001-06:00

Ezra Klein: How to fix Social Security in one graph

This is Pissing Me Off More Than Low Fat Sour Cream!

2011-03-03T13:56:00.002-06:00

Regarding humans, I would certainly agree that the male of the species is quite stupid...

but there are certain female members of the breed that run a very close second... [ 2 ]

Cthulhu Christmas Carols

2011-03-03T13:53:00.000-06:00

mtmzraygun1

No time for blogging today! I'm busy listening to all of these swell Cthulhu Christmas carols! My personal favorites are "Carol of the Old Ones", "Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones" and of course Elvis Presley singing, "Blue Solstice". Many of these songs are from the album: "A Very Scary Solstice" by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society.

The Appealing Mrs. Peel

2011-02-03T11:06:00.004-06:00

emaapeelepisodes

Who's Who	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5	The Return of the Cybernauts	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5
Death's Door	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5	The £50,000 Pound Breakfast	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5
You Have Just Been Murdered	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5	The Positive-Negative Man	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5
Mission: Highly Improbables	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5	The Forget-Me-Knot	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5
The Town of No Return	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5	The Cybernauts	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5
The Murder Market	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5	From Venus with Love	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5
The Fear Merchants	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5	The Bird Who Knew Too Much	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5
The Winged Avenger	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5	Never Never Say Die	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5
Epic	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5	The Superlative Seven:	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5
A Funny Thing Happened...	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5	Something Nasty in the Nursery	1 \| 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5

No time for blogging today! Mrs. Peel and I are busy solving the case of the double-barreled atomic sock knitter. (I was at knits end from the diabolical mastermind's constant needling. He almost pulled the wool over our eyes!) In the meantime you can watch 20 full episodes of the awesome TV series, "The Avengers" starring Mrs. Peel!

emaapeelepisodes

Best Emma Peel Clip Ever! "Mrs Peel, We're Needed!" Emma Peel Feature Mrs. Peel Kitty Clip The Correct Way to Kill Avengers Wine Duel Castle D'eath (climax) Frauen-Power	Avengers Fight Scenes [ 2 ] Avengers Catfight [ 2, 3 ] Avengers: Peeling Rubber Falling For Strangers Sci-Fi in The Avengers Mrs. Peel Tripping Out Tartan Mrs. Peel Emma in Leather [ 2, 3, 4 ]	Robin Hood Mrs. Peel Mrs. Peel as the Queen of Sin Emma Peel Harem Dance [ 2 ] Mrs. Peel Interrogates a Man Emma Gassed in a Car Emma Peel KO Collage Cushing & Lee Clips: [ 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 7 8 ]
Tributes: 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5 \| 6 \| 7 \| 8 \| 9 \| 10 \| 11 \| 12 \| 13 \| 14 \| 15 Misc: 2 \| 3 \| 4 \| 5 \| 6 \| 7 \| 8 \| 9 \| 10 \| 11

Karate chop!

Second Amendment Solutions Solve Nothing

2011-01-14T21:52:00.001-06:00

I don't think that you can blame the recent tragedy in Arizona directly on the violent and hateful rhetoric that has been generated by the the right. I also don't think that said rhetoric is above scrutiny and criticism. The violence that we have seen lately is not happening in a vacuum.

July 2008: A gunman named Jim David Adkisson, agitated at how "liberals" are "destroying America," walks into a Unitarian Church and opens fire, killing two churchgoers and wounding four others.

October 2008: Two neo-Nazis are arrested in Tennessee in a plot to murder dozens of African-Americans, culminating in the assassination of President Obama.

December 2008: A pair of "Patriot" movement radicals -- the father-son team of Bruce and Joshua Turnidge, who wanted "to attack the political infrastructure" -- threaten a bank in Woodburn, Oregon, with a bomb in the hopes of extorting money that would end their financial difficulties, for which they blamed the government. Instead, the bomb goes off and kills two police officers. The men eventually are convicted and sentenced to death for the crime.

December 2008: In Belfast, Maine, police discover the makings of a nuclear "dirty bomb" in the basement of a white supremacist shot dead by his wife. The man, who was independently wealthy, reportedly was agitated about the election of President Obama and was crafting a plan to set off the bomb.

January 2009: A white supremacist named Keith Luke embarks on a killing rampage in Brockton, Mass., raping and wounding a black woman and killing her sister, then killing a homeless man before being captured by police as he is en route to a Jewish community center.

February 2009: A Marine named Kody Brittingham is arrested and charged with plotting to assassinate President Obama. Brittingham also collected white-supremacist material.

April 2009: A white supremacist named Richard Poplawski opens fire on three Pittsburgh police officers who come to his house on a domestic-violence call and kills all three, because he believed President Obama intended to take away the guns of white citizens like himself. Poplawski is currently awaiting trial.

April 2009: Another gunman in Okaloosa County, Florida, similarly fearful of Obama's purported gun-grabbing plans, kills two deputies when they come to arrest him in a domestic-violence matter, then is killed himself in a shootout with police.

May 2009: A "sovereign citizen" named Scott Roeder walks into a church in Wichita, Kansas, and assassinates abortion provider Dr. George Tiller.

June 2009: A Holocaust denier and right-wing tax protester named James Von Brunn opens fire at the Holocaust Museum, killing a security guard.

February 2010: An angry tax protester named Joseph Ray Stack flies an airplane into the building housing IRS offices in Austin, Texas. (Media are reluctant to label this one "domestic terrorism" too.)

March 2010: Seven militiamen from the Hutaree Militia in Michigan and Ohio are arrested and charged with plotting to assassinate local police officers with the intent of sparking a new civil war.

March 2010: An anti-government extremist named John Patrick Bedell walks into the Pentagon and opens fire, wounding two officers before he is himself shot dead.

May 2010: A "sovereign citizen" from Georgia is arrested in Tennessee and charged with plotting the violent takeover of a local county courthouse.

May 2010: A still-unidentified white man walks into a Jacksonville, Fla., mosque and sets it afire, simultaneously setting off a pipe bomb.

May 2010: Two "sovereign citizens" named Jerry and Joe Kane gun down two police officers who pull them over for a traffic violation, and then wound two more officers in a shootout in which both of them are eventually killed.

July 2010: An agitated right-winger and convict named Byron Williams loads up on weapons and drives to the Bay Area intent on attacking the offices of the Tides Foundation and the ACLU, but is intercepted by state patrolmen and engages them in a shootout and armed standoff in which two officers and Williams are wounded.

September 2010: A Concord, N.C., man is arrested and charged with plotting to blow up a North Carolina abortion clinic. The man, 26-year--old Justin Carl Moose, referred to himself as the "Christian counterpart to (Osama) bin Laden” in a taped undercover meeting with a federal informant.

crooksandliars.com

ZAIUS NATION UPDATE: Matty Boy points out the money manager in New York who put up a list of 47 federal regulators he wanted dead, Tengrain reminds us of the Byron Williams said that Glenn Beck was his inspiration for deciding to attack the Tides Foundation, GOPnot4me brings up the recent the bomb on the Spokane, Wa. along the MLK parade route and JustJoeP has written a post on the subject as well. Thanks, guys! ;o)

Speaker Boehner is Suffering From Gavel Envy

2011-01-14T21:42:00.003-06:00

I know that the election has been over since November of last year, but I'm still having trouble accepting John Boehner and his giant comedy gavel as a valid Speaker of the House...

Despite the recent election...

Nancy Pelosi will be remembered as one of the most powerful and effective Speakers in U.S. history...

Whereas Speaker Boehner has already made a name for himself in another category. [ 2 ]

Presented Without Comment

2011-01-14T21:41:00.003-06:00

Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) has been named to the House intelligence committee.

My Favorite Tv Shows Of 2010

2010-12-29T13:28:00.009-06:00

No time for blogging today! My scientific team and I are just finishing up some year-end fembot maintenance. In the meantime you can read about my favorite non-news related TV shows that I watched in 2010 in alphabetical order (most of them are in reruns):

I love watching 30 Rock every week.

Cancelled after three seasons, episodes of the Comedy Central cartoon Drawn Together still airs once in a while. I really like Foxxy Love and Princess Clara, but I think that Ling-Ling steals the show every week! The third season was definitely the best.

I missed the show Friends when it originally aired, so now I enjoy it in reruns.

I really like Futurama and am glad that Comedy Central decided to renew the show. There are supposed to be at least thirteen more episodes that will be broadcast in 2011!

The TV show House is awesome!

I've been watching Scrubs because Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso are hilarious!

Anything Shatner is always awesome. I really enjoyed Shatner's Raw Nerve [ 2 ] interviews with Leonard Nimoy, Rush Limbaugh and Weird Al Yankovic. Unfortunately many of the show's interviews are with some of Hollywood's not so interesting stars like Whoopie Goldberg, Tim Allen, Henry Winkler, Drew Carey, Jenna Jameson, Kelsey Grammer, John Voight, Jimmy Kimmel, Judge Judy, Jenna Jameson, Valerie Bertinelli and Scott Baio.

I like to watch South Park, although I think that the show's message can be kind of whiney and preachy at times.

Of course my favorite shows are science fiction or horror related, so here are my favorite spooky shows:

I have really really enjoyed all three seasons of the British TV series Being Human. I especially like Sinead Keenan who plays the nurse/werewolf Nina. The show is so good that the ~~Sci-Fi channel~~ SyFy channel is making an American version that is bound to be really crappy by comparison to the original show.

I like to watch Elvira because she plays the really awful horror films that I crave. She is the last of a dying breed of cheesy horror film hosts. (I really miss Bob Wilkins.)

Although I don't like the beginning credits for Masters of Horror, it's one of my favorite shows ever. My favorite episode is Deer Woman [ 2 ]. Other episodes that are also worth mentioning are Homecoming, Family and Jenifer.

One of my favorite shows is Monsters because they always have some kind of monster in every episode. One of my favorite episodes is Micro Minds [ 1, 2 ] because the giant amoeba special effects are so hilarious.

I kind of like the show, Night Visions, although I found the host of the show, Henry Rollins, really annoying. There were only 13 episodes of the show. I especially like the episode "Bokor", but that is mostly because I have a crush on actress that was in it, Samantha Mathis. [ 2, 3 ]

I have been watching episodes from both of the different revivals of Rod Serling's original series, The Twilight Zone, the 1985 version and the 2002 version. By the way, the ~~Sci-Fi channel~~ SyFy channel is running a marathon of the original Twilight Zone on December 31st.

Tales from the Crypt is pretty awesome. I think that the Crypt Keeper should eat a few more between meal snacks, however.

I have ben watching the awesome TV show Tales From the Darkside. My favorite episode is definitely Seasons of Belief [ 1, 2 ], which is about a monster called the Grither.

And there you have it, my favorite shows of 2010!

The "Tax Cuts for the Rich" Snowman

2010-12-24T11:06:00.003-06:00

Despite the inability of congress to pass the budget... they did manage to pass START and aid for 9/11 First Responders, and the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy was finally repealed...

But I'm still upset about the "Tax Cuts for the Rich" snowman.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

2010-12-24T10:55:00.003-06:00

Yuletide greetings, everyone!

I have a special christmas recipe for you...

Handed down by the Great Lawgiver, who brought presents to all of the good apes and gave lobotomies to all of those pesky humans. Here is his divine simian recipe:

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Sparky the Wonder Kitty

2010-12-13T22:53:00.000-06:00

I would like to congratulate my good friend Dr. Derkington (AKA DerkTheJerk) on his discerning nature and impeccable good taste in cats. He has recently acquired a new cat by the name of Sparky, whose mischievous nature and affable personality makes him an immediate candidate for for the cat-e-gory of Awesome Catness of the First Order.

Sparky takes his job of housecat quite seriously, and is never one to shirk from his many feline responsibilities...

All day long Sparky works tirelessly to fulfill his many domestic duties...

Oh. look... He's sleeping!

Vintage Drive-In Intermission Films

2010-12-13T22:50:00.001-06:00

newvids020710

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I are too busy enjoying a meal of pizza, tortelloni and risotto on the sunny shores of Venice. (Pity, but the filetti di orata al cartoccio was a bit off due to seasonal foreign intrigue.) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of vintage drive-in intermission films. (Oh, dear! That last bullet hit me right in the gondola!)

President Obama Isn't Hitler, He's Neville Chamberlain!

2010-12-10T07:42:00.001-06:00

OK, it's official. The president is an idiot. The Democratic Party sucks.

We must all prepare for...

Haliburton to Bribe the Nigerian Government out of Dick Cheney's Bribery Charges

2010-12-10T07:29:00.002-06:00

Halliburton is attempting to pay $500 million to the Nigerian government to settle bribery charges that could keep the company's former CEO Dick Cheney out of prison, that is to say that Haliburton is trying to bribe the Nigerian government out of Dick Cheney's bribery charges.

The fact that Halliburton appears to be attempting an out-of-court settlement puzzles some analysts, who note that criminal courts don’t normally allow monetary settlements, leading some to believe that "Halliburton and the other accused companies are attempting to bribe their way out of a bribery prosecution," rawstory.com reports. chattahbox.com

If nothing else, this proves that Nigeria's court system has a stronger grasp of reality than it's American counterpart.

rawstory.com: Halliburton may pay $500 million to keep Cheney out of prison
thinkprogress.org: Halliburton May Pay $500 Million To Nigerian Government...
uspolitics.com: Former VP Cheney Charged by Nigerian Government
americanchronicle.com: It Takes a Corrupt Foreign Country...
politico.com: Nigeria charges Dick Cheney with bribery
thecowl.com: Dick Cheney Accused of Bribery

Let Them Eat Toast!

2010-12-10T07:20:00.000-06:00

Yes, he reallly said that.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

Steven Wright

I Said It Before - Now is Not the Time for Tears...

2010-11-10T01:55:00.000-06:00

After the recent disapointment of the midterm election, Democrats are naturally upset at the consequences.

But the despite the carnage...

I say that now is not the time for tears...

Now is the time to kick ass and take names in 2012.

We Won't Have Christine O'Donnell To Kick Around Anymore...

2010-11-10T01:52:00.002-06:00

Despite the Democratic losses in the recent election...

I still regret that Christine O'Donnell is gone.

"I love acting. It is so much more real than life." Oscar Wilde

2010-11-10T01:51:00.002-06:00

Expressing frustration with the media scrutiny over his company's massive oil spill, former BP CEO Tony Hayward said that he might have been better served by having a degree in acting rather than by his degree in geology.

Never Play Cat and Mouse If You're a Mouse

2010-10-03T13:34:00.002-05:00

The media has been quick to criticize Christine O'Donnell recent comments...

But there might be a grain of truth in what she says.

The Girl Scout Guide to Islamo-Fascist Lesbian Sex (With Pictures!)

2010-09-23T15:51:00.008-05:00

7. Communist Cookie Sale Pin 8. We Don't Need no Stinkin'... 9. Indoctrinate the Innocent Pin 10. Multi-Orgasmic Satisfaction Pin 11. AIDS For Everybody Medallion 12. Homoerotic Sappho Rainbow 13. Rusty Syringe Pin 14. Overies Only Badge 15. feminism or Death Ribbon 16. All Girl Man-Hating Club Pin 17. All Hail Satan! 18. Pagan Belief-System Pin 19. Lascivious Lesbian Pin 20. Estrogenia Council Badge">

I recently took out out a rather large personal home improvement cookie loan because my good friend BAC over at Yikes! sent me a link that promised that "Girl Scouts are selling you lesbian, baby-killing feminist militia cookies."

Imagine my joy when I heard that Girl Scout were guilty of crimes involving issues of moral turpitude and loose values. I found that Girl Scout Cookies all all the more delicious upon finding that their rich, creamy goodness is actually filled with rich, creamy badness!

I was quite enjoying my rather large purchase of lesbian Girl Scout Cookies now that I know that Girl Scouts are hellbent on destroying American values, I must say. (Especially the Thin Mints and the Tagalongs. Mmm! Delicious islamo-fascist, pro-abortion goodness!)

My Anti-Jesus Pagan Girl Scout Cookies are helping me to watch my waistline as well, because everyone knows that cookies that are bought for a noble cause have no calories. Also, I am helping to fight Global Warming! (Girl Scouts are green, you know.)

I was sure that the story was true, because the Googly-Moogly had over 78,900 links that supported the story. Yay! Girl Scouts are man-hating pro-abortion lesbo-atheists! [ 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, etc. ]

And then my world came crumbling down around me like a mint-flavored chocolate wafer lightly dipped in chocolate. (Thin mints are my favorite!)

Much to my chagrin, I found out that the whole story is a fabrication perpetrated by Patti Garibay, the Executive Director of American Heritage Girls, Inc. This organization is a rival scouting program for girls, a "Christ-centered character development program dedicated to the mission of building women of integrity through service to God".

The story was further propagated by James Dobson and the Catholic Family & Human Rights Institute (C-FAM). [ 1, 2 ] Mr. Dobson is something of a colorful character in his own right. [ 1 2, 3 ]

At this point my running mate, Germaine Gregarious, and I decided to investigate...

If you go to the main page of the American Heritage Girls website they have a Flash element that displays several different blurbs and images that hawk different things, including a blurb about the American Heritage Girls being featured on James Dobson's new radio show...

...But the very first element that is displayed in the Flash element of the American Heritage Girls web page advertises a DVD from a private corporation, bigidea.com...

So it would seem that Patti Garibay and the leaders of the American Heritage Girls are promoting the use of giant vegetables to their charges in order to bolster the rather laudable idea that true beauty is within:

New Partnerships Formed, Share Common Message On "True Beauty"
Through VeggieTales new DVD, Sweetpea Beauty. Now girls will have the opportunity to earn a Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch by completing projects on the "True Beauty Guide" made available on bigidea.com and ahgonline.org.

American Heritage Girls Website

Big Idea is partnering with American Heritage Girls, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the mission of building women of integrity through service to God, family, community and country. Now girls will have the opportunity to earn a Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch by completing projects on the "True Beauty Guide" made available on bigidea.com and ahgonline.org.

American Heritage Girls Website

To earn this merit badge (that is apparently chock full of self-esteem) the young American Heritage Girl must host a True Beauty Princess Party. It turns out that gaining self-esteem involves playing dress-up, wearing tiaras, candy and Tea Parties:

Sweetpea Beauty resources are wonderful tools for helping your girls earn their Daughter of the King Badge, and a fun Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch too! Here are some ideas for incorporating True Beauty with your Troop!

Host a True Beauty Princess Party or Sleepover

Order a Sweetpea event kit from Big Idea and show the Sweetpea Beauty DVD to the group.

Create a princess theme – everything pink, play dress-up, serve refreshments in teacups, offer sweets, and decorate tiaras as a craft project.

Review the True Beauty guide with the group and consider the project ideas below to support the lessons on the guide. Choose one or more for the group to do together at the Princess Party.

Include older girls in the planning process – they can mentor the younger "princesses" and earn their Daughter of the King badge as well.

What is interesting to note is not so much that the American Heritage Girls were blatantly promoting a corporate vegetable based product to their young girls, but that they have actually made these products part of the American Heritage Girls curriculum. According to their website, parents of American Heritage Girls must buy various products so that their daughters can earn a merit badge about self-esteem:

Now girls will have the opportunity to earn a Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch by completing projects on the "True Beauty Guide" made available on www.bigidea.com and www.ahgonline.org.

How to Earn a Sweet Pea Beauty Patch with your Troop

Step 1: Visit www.bigidea.com to order your copy of Sweetpea Beauty
(information on this just-for-girls show can be found below)

Step 2: Download the "True Beauty Guide" and the exclusive "AHG Beauty Guide"

Step 3: Plan a special event, such as a Princess Sleepover to complete patch requirements (this patch is a great complement to the Daughter of the King Badge, and an event can easily incorporate both!)

Step 4: Once complete, visit www.bigidea.com to order your Troop's Sweetpea Beauty Patch (available for pre-order now with shipments sent beginning October 2010)

American Heritage Girls Website

A merit badge about self-esteem is only a few credit card purchases away!

See the Daughter of the King badge ideas for more creative ways to teach these lessons to your Troop!

True Beauty support items available at www.bigidea.com:

Sweetpea Beauty event kit
(DVD, guide, posters, stickers, balloons, etc)
Sweetpea Beauty DVD
Sweetpea Beauty Songs for Girls CD
Sweetpea Beauty digital watch, t-shirt, and posters
365 Bedtime Devotions for Girls
Sweetpea Patch

Once upon a time, there lived a royally sour blueberry, a fair rhubarb maiden and a dastardly deceptive mirror! Sweetpea Beauty knows that what's on the inside is what matters most, but insecure Queen Blueberry can't see past her own reflection! So, when a decree is handed down that only the most beautiful can rule the land, the Queen gets nervous and things turn ugly! Banished to the dark forest, Sweetpea's fate seems bleak until a charming prince, a band of merry minstrels and seven snow peas come to the rescue! Will Sweetpea and her friends be able to warn the Queen in time to save her from the clutches of the tricky mirror – or will the crumbling kingdom and the Queen's own heart be lost forever? Find out in this fairy "Veggie" tale about the real meaning of true beauty. [ 1, 2, 3 ]

As near as I can tell, the moral of this tale is that a girl should not really feel capable of handling her own problems, and should instead wait until a charming cucumber arrives to solve all of her problems for her.

This rather ridiculous scenario is particularly disturbing in the light of the fact that both Veggietales and the American Heritage Girls are putting forth this message under the guise that this message is what Jesus wants young girls to feel about themselves. It also seems a bit odd that part of this "Jesus inspired" self-esteem narrative involves spending lots of money.

I am sickened by the thought of Patti Garibay and the leaders of the American Heritage Girls using James Dobson and the Catholic Family & Human Rights Institute to besmirch the good name of the Girl Scouts of America and Jesus in order to promote their own corporate agenda. This is especially galling because no one is paying the same amount of attention to the Patti Garibay and her lies, manipulation and complete lack of cookies.

And this bit is kind of odd: The Executive Director at American Heritage Girls, Inc., Patti Garibay, was involved in a lawsuit [ 2 ] against Lightborne Publishing, Inc. for insinuating in print that a bar called the Smokin' Monkey was a hangout for "skanks and thugs". A judge has dismissed the defamation lawsuit. (Lightborne Publishing, Inc. v. Citizens for Community Values et al.) [ 2, 3 ]

So Patti Garibay was once involved in a defamation lawsuit to defend a bar called the Smokin' Monkey from what she considered to be overly strong language from a newspaper, but feels no remorse about falsely accusing the Girl Scouts of America of distributing a Planned Parenthood sex guide at a UN Meeting and teaching young girls about Pagan stone labyrinths, world peace, global warming, yoga, avatars, smudging incense, Zen gardens and feminism, communism and lesbianism? [ 1 ] (Wait a minute..."world peace"?)

As I mentioned above, the number of websites that is doing a Team Xerox about this false story is astounding. You can find a few lone voices of dissent, but they are few and far between:

(I think that the article that the author is referring to is this one.)

Fear Mongering Malarkey
Posted by rockingjamboree on May 18, 2009 11:35

Reading a quote from Buddha, doing a maze, or seeing Billy Jean King's name on a list of prominent women will not turn my daughter into a Gay Buddhist Communist! My daughter's faith, character and sense of self are stronger than that.

If MAZES are somehow Anti-Christian, why aren't Christian Groups protesting the Denny's Kid's Menu? This article is malarkey.

Promoting diversity is not Anti-Christian or Anti-American!

Gee, why would someone who is trying to start a Girl's Club in direct competition with GSA Cherry Pick through GSA literature in order to come up with some paranoid conspiracy theory of Anti-Christian Deviancy? Patti Garibay obviously has an agenda that she is trying to promote. Why is WND so blatantly promoting Patti Garibay?

I just attended my daughter's Bridging Ceremony into Junior Scouts. She carried the Flag. She recited the Pledge of Allegiance. It was a beautiful, Patriotic experience. My daughter has learned a lot about charity, honesty and yes, Patriotism from the GSA. WND and Patti Garibay's attempt to sully that with innuendo and fear is insulting.

forums.wnd.com

This whole thing is getting out of hand, I say. Who will defend the Girl Scouts of America and their mission to destroy all that we hold sacred?

as anyone that has followed my presidential campaign knows, I like cake, ice cream and cookies, but I don't like vegetables. Please tell all of your friends about this injustice that is be perpetrated by Patti Garibay and the leaders of the American Heritage Girls to besmirch the good name of the Girl Scouts of America.

Don't just do it for the Girl Scouts...

Do it for the cookies!

My Secret Key: The Most Awesome Facebook App Ever!

2010-09-01T12:09:00.002-05:00

It's finally here! My good friend Derk the Jerk and I have been working feverishly on a top secret internet project for a long time, and it's finally here... The My Secret Key Facebook app is complete!

With the My Secret Key Facebook app you can send unbreakable secret messages to your friends on FaceBook! (Or blogs, chat or email.) Only you and the people that know your Secret Key will be able to decipher it.

My Secret Key encrypts your message with a unique key (like a word or phrase) that is created by you. To encrypt your message, simply type or paste your text information into the Message box, enter a word or phrase into the My Secret Key box and click on the Encode Button. If you choose to, you can send your secret message directly to your friend's Facebook page!

You can also use My Secret Key to hide secret information on your computer or email from prying eyes at home or at work. Anyone who does not know your secret key will be unable to decrypt it! Make entire blocks of text incomprehensible to anyone but you and your friends. Encrypt your entire collection of Nancy Drew novels for posterity!

I am sending you a super-secret message via the My Secret Key Facebook app. Simply go to the My Secret Key Decoder Page and enter the appropriate information to decode my super-secret message.

The message is:

of qqicazi cnn mpasifttr mu avacfg occe vspszmebcwg hhxr c gszgu gkhfammqn sw ca wvg xolx jyzsvosvwnae

The Secret Key is:

chocolate cake

I love super-secret stuff!

Leslie & The LYs Singing "Tight Pants / Body Rolls"

2010-09-01T12:05:00.001-05:00

losadddsffwfsn

No time for blogging today! I am too busy trying to explain my revolutionary medical techniques to the skeptical elitists in the scientific community! (I think that part of the problem is that when I demonstrate the more delicate steps of my revolutionary medical procedures to the scientific community, the life-giving gases force me to speak in a squeaky, high-pitched voice.) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of Leslie & The LYs singing Tight Pants / Body Rolls. (A very nice video altogether, but I especially like the kitties.)

Dancing with the Stars: I Have Actually Heard Of Some Of This Season's Celebrities!

2010-09-01T11:54:00.003-05:00

My Mom's favorite TV show, Dancing with the Stars, is back for an 11th season, with even more awesome celebrities than ever before!

• Michael Bolton (Who?)
• R&B singer Brandy (Who?)
• Comedian Margaret Cho (Eh.)
• Ferris Bueller's sister Jennifer Grey (Yay!)
• David Hasselhoff (Yay!)
• Florence Henderson (Yay!)
• Actor Kyle Massey (Who?)
• Bristol Palin (Yay!)
• "Hills" star Audrina Patridge (Who?)
• Former NBA player Rick Fox (Who?)
• Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino (Double who?)
• Retired AZ Cardinals quarterback, Kurt Warner (Triple who?)

I am a bit concerned, however, that perhaps the show might be tempting the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse by putting the raw, untamed sexuality of David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff on the same program with the jilted unwed mother and born-again virgin Bristol Palin.

The Bikini Graph

2010-09-01T11:53:00.000-05:00

Although the legitimate media has been focusing on the terrible job numbers as of late, I think perhaps that they are losing sight of the big picture. Rachel Maddow said it best when she describes the 'bikini' graph.

House Minority Leader John Boehner Lives Up To His Name

2010-08-19T13:31:00.000-05:00

House Minority Leader John Boehner, one of the most 'colorful' member of congress, has been speaking out lately in favor of protecting the ultra-wealthy.

Rep. Boehner's message is carefully crafted to state a distinct position and is directed to a very specific audience.

Despite the controversy of this particular issue might create, we can be sure of one thing...

Rep. Boehner certainly knows who his friends are.

Get Your Filthy Rhetoric Off of Me, You Damn Dirty Human!

2010-08-19T13:17:00.001-05:00

I am deeply offended that Glenn Beck has seen fit to attempt to deride the inevitable course of humanity's destiny to promote his own pathetic political agenda. As we all know, mankind shall not be truly content until they learn to embrace the gentle yoke of simian kindness. This is merely another ridiculous example of a foul human speaking out against his genetic superiors.

Glenn Beck: "Special interest! What planet have I landed on? Did I slip through a wormhole in the middle of the night and this looks like America? It’s like the damn 'Planet of the Apes.' Nothing makes sense! The guy who's helped destroy all these pensions, Andy Stern, is now on the financial oversight committee. Is this who we want to take advice from?

"The unions who have collapsed all of the businesses, who have collapsed all of their pensions, they are bankrupting everything they touch, and we go to them and we say, yes, tell me, what should we do? It’s like any marital tips from Tiger Woods."

Glen Beck's point was that he felt like the character Taylor from The Planet of the Apes, waking up in a world that is so very different from what he had hoped or expected.

Despite the rhetoric to the contrary, I actually think that it can be argued that this foolish statement was not an overtly racist comment from a human standpoint - and that this litany of hogwash was carefully crafted merely to incite ire from the more rational members of your society while protecting Beck from any negative consequences by nature of the broad ambiguity of their meaning.

On the other hand, from a simian perspective these words can indeed be considered insulting and reprehensible. Clearly Glenn Beck and his kind will benefit in the future from the wise tutelage of an ape civilization.

salon.com: "It's like the damn Planet of the Apes!"
Emptysuit: Glenn Beck: Planet Of The Apes Remarks
Huffington Post: Glenn Beck Compares Obama's America To 'Planet Of The Apes'
jackandjillpolitics.com: Glenn Beck + The Planet of the Apes = Blatant Racism
thebvx.com: Glenn Beck's Top 10 Questionably Racist Moments

The 6-Year-Old Singing Sensation Connie Talbot

2010-08-19T13:08:00.000-05:00

zaiusdignifieddrowning

No time for blogging today! I am too busy reviewing my present financial situation. (It would seem that scuba gear has become the mandatory wardrobe for homeowners in the present real estate market.) In the meantime you can watch these swell videos of 6-year-old singing sensation Connie Talbot singing Imagine, Three Little Birds and Ben. (That last song especially warms the cockels of my peanut butter-encrusted heart, as it is the theme to an ancient horror movie.)

The New Republican Mantra: 'Reducing Revenue Doesn't Reduce Revenue!'

2010-07-15T14:28:00.005-05:00

While the sun sets on the Bush Tax Cuts for the Rich at the end of this year, Sen. Tom Coburn and other Republicans have been making some rather creative assertions regarding this issue in an attempt to forestall the demise of the tax cuts. [ 1, 2, 3 ]

Despite incontrovertible evidence that the Bush Tax Cuts for the Rich have had a detrimental effect on the federal budget, Republicans pay no heed to the facts, because...

The GOP answers to a higher authority! [ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 ]

(If %40 of the national debt was incurred between 2001 and 2008, and more than half of that was Bush's Tax Cuts for the Rich, and the vast majority of Bush's Tax Cuts for the Rich went to billionaires, then that means about one fifth of the national debt was borrowed from our children and grandchildren to give to billionaires, right?)

There Are Two Theories To Reasoning With the Tea Party. Neither One Works.

2010-07-15T14:20:00.002-05:00

flygeorge

Click here to see examples of Tea Party Racism

While I am glad to hear that the NAACP has adopted a resolution condemning the racist elements of the Tea Party...

I do support the Tea Party's freedom of speech...

And despite some of the negative statement made by the Tea Party...

I guess that a certain degree of negativity is always displayed by the opposing party.

The main thrust of the Tea Party's message isn't about racism...

The Tea Party is about respect...

And pressing issues...

And genuine concerns...

Oh, and socialism and taxes...

But mostly taxes.

Videos of Kindra Arnesen Speaking On the BP Disaster

2010-07-15T14:18:00.003-05:00

mtmzraygun1

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

Videos of Kindra Arnesen speaking on the BP disaster.

Get Well Soon, Dick Cheney. (Is It a LVAD or a VLAD Mechanical Heart?)

2010-07-15T14:05:00.005-05:00

Don't think of it as heart surgery. Think of it as taking another step in fulfilling your life's ambition to become a murderous cyborg!

I Am Actually Rather Fond of Giant Atomic Insects...

2010-07-01T10:38:00.000-05:00

Much is being made of House Majority Leader John Boehner's recent statements [ 2, 3 ] regarding Wall Street reform.

But what is not being acknowledged is Rep. Boehner's intimate knowledge of this situation...

The GOP knows what to do to save the day!

Carrie Prejean Is Getting Opposite Married!

2010-07-01T10:36:00.001-05:00

Ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean is getting opposite married!

USA Today: Ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean to wed this weekend
whatisthetrend.net: Kyle Boller About to Marry Carrie Prejean
tmz.com: Carrie Prejean Sued -- Crosses PR Flack
tmz.com: Porn Company Gives Carrie Prejean the Hard Sell
tmz.com: Prejean Sex Tape Triggers Settlement
tmz.com: Carrie Prejean's Wedding Registry Photos
Zaius Nation: Miss California's Giant Anti-Gay Jesus Boobs
csmonitor.com: Wonder Woman to finally start wearing pants

Fun With Flies (My Friend George Sent Me This.)

2010-07-01T10:31:00.001-05:00

flygeorge

Especially fun if you do it at work! Kill a few flies. Place them in the sun to dry out. Get pencil and paper - and use your imagination.

"Journalism is the ability to meet the challenge of filling space." (Rebecca West)

2010-07-01T10:29:00.001-05:00

And they say that there are no real news stories anymore...

I Wanna Be a Crazed Sex Poodle, Too!

2010-07-01T10:23:00.002-05:00

**hrumph** I wish that someone would call me a "crazed sex poodle."

"The fellow who isn't fired with enthusiasm is apt to be fired." (B. C. Forbes)

2010-07-01T10:09:00.003-05:00

Afghanistan commander General Stanley McChrystal is famous for running 7 miles every morning, sleeping only four hours a night, and eating only one meal a day...

On June 23 General McChrystal's meal consisted of humble pie and a plate of crow.

Perhaps Joe Barton Should Re-Apologize... Again...

2010-06-18T12:03:00.000-05:00

After a Chicago-style shakedown...

Tony Hayward was treated to a congressional grilling...

But Joe Barton's delicious plate of crow stole the show!

There Can Only Be One Quizat Haderach

2010-06-18T11:57:00.001-05:00

After being dismayed by Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow for their shrill little critiques of President Obama's Tuesday night speech from the Oval Office, I was glad to see Keith Olbermann eat his words the following night after Obama delivered more than either of them could have ever imagined by talking BP out of twenty billion dollars.

However, instead of acknowledging that maybe Obama might actually know what he is doing and that the words that he used in the speech might have been cleverly chosen for the best political effect at that moment, Rachel Maddow decided to devote her closing segment to Rachel Maddow: The Speech We Should Have Heard From Obama. [ 2 ] "Rachel Maddow rewrites President Barack Obama's Tuesday Oval Office address to what she had hoped he was going to say". Needless to say that I was not overly impressed with her angry little speech. Obama has just pulled off another major coup, and Maddow is still saying that she can do a better job than the president.

There can only be one Quizat Haderach, Rachel.

Best Wedding Picture Ever

2010-06-18T11:55:00.000-05:00

Gop: Oily To Bed, Oily To Rise!

2010-06-10T16:59:00.003-05:00

After an American coastline was found murdered...

Authorities apprehended the villain, BP Van der Spill...

Although Van der Spill reluctantly admitted his guilt to the crime...

His attorneys still maintain that Van der Spill should not be held accountable. [ 2, 3, 4 ]

People That Are Not Americans Imitiating American Accents

2010-06-10T16:57:00.000-05:00

americanaccent1

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15

No time for blogging today! I am far too busy complaining about how busy I am. (Jeepers! I barely have time to obsess over what to eat for dessert, much less have a second helping.) In the meantime you can watch these swell videos of people that are not Americans imitiating American accents. I especially like this one.

The Passing of the Torch

2010-06-10T16:54:00.000-05:00

I am saddened at the recent loss that has been handed to Orly Taitz by the people of California in her bid to become the Republican candidate for secretary of state. After all of the fun and hijinks following her numerous unsuccessful lawsuits that questioned President Obama citizenship, I have been waiting with baited breath to read the results of her lawsuit against her opponent in the secretary of state race, Damon Dunn. It seems that, according to Taitz, Dunn is not qualified run for office either. [ 2 ]

Of course, with the win by the fiscal and social conservative Sharron Angle in the Nevada GOP Senate Primary, I think that we can safely say that Orly's torch has been passed. Angle wants to abolish the Department of Education, the Energy Department, the EPA, Social Security and bring back prohibition. She feels that the United States should withdraw from the United Nations, and has spoken out strongly against fluoridated water. Oh, an in the wake of BP Gulf oil spill, she feels that we need to need to "deregulate" Big Oil. Woo hoo! You go, girl!

The 'Party of No' Onion Ring

2010-05-27T13:35:00.004-05:00

I was innocently sampling the wares at my local all-you-can-eat rib shack recently, and while dining on the healthy vegetable portion of my meal I came across this curious 'Party of No!' symbol that was lurking amongst the nutritious onion rings and French fries.

Despite my deeply undernourished and famished condition, I refused to eat the offending morsel for fear of upsetting the sensitive political balance of my delicate stomach (and I also wanted to save room for dessert, of course), and instead decided to bring the disagreeable tidbit home for closer inspection and further study.

I submit the following photographs that clearly illustrate the nuanced and discerning sensibilities of my extra-awesome cat, Captain Nemo. I am happy to say that his opinion on the subject of the mysterious 'o-ring of no' coincided with mine:

"Meowmm... What is this circular object of battered and fried onion goodness?"

"Bah! This is a foul 'Party of No' onion ringie thingie!"

As an aside, I would like to point out another interesting event that happened during the course of my light repast. Because of my numerous travels through time I am able to recall the days when restaurants would actually bring you a hot towel at the end of your pork rib dinner for you to clean your fingers, hands and pelt with.

I was surprised to find that at the end of this particular evening's meal that our server brought us hot, microwaved prepackaged moist towelettes, still in the package! It was quite a struggle to get the plastic packaging off of the moist towelettes with greasy paws, I must say...

The Bottom Kill Junk Shot Bathtub Blowout Plugifier

2010-05-27T13:33:00.001-05:00

amc12video0

No time for blogging today! I'm about to launch my new drilling machine in Australia to quell the horrific BP oil spill. I am going to drill straight through the center of the earth to reach the site of the nasty oil leak and deliver my "Bottom Kill Junk Shot Bathtub Blowout Plugifier"! (You may think that my plan is silly, but you can't argue that it's any more foolish than any of the attempts to shut down the well that have already been made.)

In the meantime you can watch this swell video that shows how I recently saved America's important television lifestyle from zombie-satellite Galaxy 15 by steering satellite AMC-11 clear of the radio interference of the rogue spacecraft, which almost interrupted the television programming from up to 45 different cable channels! I have mentioned this potentially television-lifestyle crippling dilemma previously.

My Friend George Sent Me This

2010-05-27T13:31:00.001-05:00

whydogsbitepeople1

Click here to see why dogs bite people.