Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Friday, June 29, 2007

Dick Cheney Jokes

Dick Cheney - Dr. Doom!

"Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, 'Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein.'" --Bill Maher

"The Taliban tried to blow up Dick Cheney. ... He was never in danger -- at the time of the attack, he was safely asleep in his coffin. ... I just hope that this attempt on his life doesn't turn him bitter, vicious, and paranoid." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." --Bill Maher

"Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-president was misspelling the word potato?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"According to the Washington Post, Vice President Dick Cheney is limping today because he injured his foot. Cheney said 'If you think my foot looks bad, you should see the old lady I was kicking.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The former chef of the White House has written a tell-all book. For example, he says that Dick Cheney, Vice President, his favorite dish is a dish called Chicken Gitmo. It's chicken bound and gagged on a bed of rice." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney will have elective surgery or, as his doctors call it, a pre-autopsy." --Jay Leno

"There's a rumor Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. If he wins, that would make him the first three-term president since Franklin Roosevelt." --Jay Leno

"We finally have a scandal in this election: Lesbogate. Bob Schieffer asked a question about is homosexuality a choice, and Kerry mention Cheney's daughter. The Cheneys are now furious at him. They say they are very proud of her daughter. They are so proud, she should never, ever be mentioned in public." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney wouldn't even confirm that she's gay. She just says that she touches her roommate in an undisclosed location." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on." --Jay Leno

"There are certain elements of the Bond lifestyle I have yet to experience, Jay, but I'm hopeful." -Dick Cheney, joking on the Tonight Show about being described in the New York Times as having a "James Bond-like aura".

I think that he means Blofeld, not Bond. -Zaius

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At Fri Jun 29, 08:41:00 AM, Blogger angry ballerina said...

After that last quote I will never be able to think of Bond in a sexy light. Fuckin asshole.

At Sat Jun 30, 01:19:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Angry Ballerina: Dick Cheney may be saying Bond, but you know he means Ernst Stavos Blofeld. Cheney is only a monocle a white cat away from being a Bond super villain, he could never be James bond, though. Bond knew how to aim a gun, for one thing.

At Tue Jul 17, 11:13:00 PM, Blogger phonelesscord said...

great cheney joke collection.

you might also enjoy this


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