Zaius Nation - Some apes are more equal than others

I Had the Strangest Dream About Annette Funicello

There Are No Original Ideas Left In Hollywood

Oh, well. I never liked the Three Stooges anyway.

Panetta and the CIA Deceived Congress for Years

"The director of the Central Intelligence Agency, Leon E. Panetta, has told the House Intelligence Committee in closed-door testimony that the C.I.A. concealed 'significant actions' from Congress from 2001 until late last month, seven Democratic committee members said."

"In a June 26 letter to Mr. Panetta discussing his testimony, Democrats said that the agency had 'misled members' of Congress for eight years about the classified matters, which the letter did not disclose. 'This is similar to other deceptions of which we are aware from other recent periods,' said the letter, made public late Wednesday by Representative Rush D. Holt, Democrat of New Jersey, one of the signers."

"In an interview, Mr. Holt declined to reveal the nature of the C.I.A.’s alleged deceptions,. But he said, 'We wouldn’t be doing this over a trivial matter.'"

New York Times

Confirmed: God is Slightly Gay

No time for blogging today! I am in a rush to get to an appointment with my hairdresser. (My hair is a mess! I have split ends, it's all limp and frizzy, and I have all manner of major and minor hair-related glitchyness. I simply can't do a thing with it!) In the meantime you can read this swell article that I found on Nailing Jello to the Wall called "Confirmed: God is Slightly Gay". Seeing Eye Chick also has an interesting post about the same subject. (...Now if I can just make this next yellow light... ACK! Get outta the way! I knew that I should have taken the 10th Street exit...)

I Have That Effect On Women...

Sarah Palin: "Only Dead Fish Go With the Flow."

GOP rock star Sarah Palin...

Long rumored to be the next Republican presidential candidate...

Has quit her job as Govenor of Alaska.

Things are looking up!

Ride That Pony, Rush Limbaugh, Ride!

Rush Limbaugh recently said this about the death of Michael Jackson: "He flourished under Reagan, languished under Clinton/Bush, and died under Obama." President Obama killed Michael Jackson! [ 1, 2 ]

As Keith Olbermann said, "Big bag full of mashed-up jackass right there."

Raquel Welch in the film, "Fantastic Voyage"

No time for blogging today! Dr. Peterson and I are on board the submarine Proteus, inside the brain of Soviet Scientist Jan Benes. We are busy trying to repair a blood clot caused by his prolonged exposure to the Mainstream Media! (His defection to the west is critical to my budget deficit miniaturization program. We must not shrink from our financial duties!) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of the scene of Raquel Welch in the film, "Fantastic Voyage", when her crew members had to save Ms. Welch in the nick of time by groping her body to pull off the evil, slimy anti-bodies that are clinging to her skintight white-rubber wetsuit! (Aside from my acute knowledge of the brain, I also have vast experience of the miniaturization process, because during my presidential campaign I have had to deal with the small minds of so many neoconservative voters.)

(I am rerunning this post because Randal Graves asked for something about Raquel Welch.)

Slave Leia Pillow Fight!

Slave Leia Pillow Fight!

Happy Fourth of July!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

Time Travel With Dr. Zaius

No time for blogging today! I have several errands to run throughout the centuries, and I am afraid that I may not be back until last week.

Ack! I had better slow down. By my reckoning, my present reverse causation matrix will collapse if I don't dampen my transdimensional hyper-transversion relameter pretty soon.

Jeepers! Time travel sure is fraught with a lot of annoying details and fiddly bits!

By all outward appearances, time travel would seem to be quite simple...

But what is simple in theory can grow quite complex in practice... Time is not merely a nonspatial continuum in which events occur in irreversible succession from the past through the present into the future. The temporal coil is neither immutable nor concrete. Time is actually very much like toothpaste, only a whole lot squishier!

One must be cautious though, because the deep paradoxes that can be caused by even the most minor interference of the major schemata of causality can lead to some very nasty and irreversible alternate timelines.

On the other hand, time travel in not without it's fringe benefits!

And remember - if you are going to use the Flux Capacitor method of temporal transportation, you will need plenty of D cell batteries to produce the 1.21 gigawatts necessary to create the hyperdimensional rift in the inner vortex of the wormhole umbilicus. Watch out for those pesky Hasslein curves!

Are You Old Enough To Get This Joke?

Perhaps Joe Is Out Shopping For Another Crooked Coroner...

Hey! I think that Morning Joe with Joe Scarborough has been cancelled!

(Maybe they found another attractive young intern dead in his office.)

(You know who Joe Scarborough is, right? He is the Former Republican Congressman who had to leave office because one of his attractive young aides, Lori Klausutis, was found dead in his office under extremely suspicious circumstances. [ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ] Soon to have his own show on FOX News...?)

UPDATE: I was wrong. I was hoping that they were going to replace Morning Joe, but alas, I was wrong. **sigh**

Chyron Wars

This is why you should never trust the mainstream media! Clearly Gov. Mark Sanford has joined the long list of Republicans that switch parties to Democrat whenever they become unpopular with their party. It must be true, because I saw it on FOX News! The other networks just continue to keep up the lie that they are still Republicans, though. Curse you, Fourth Estate!

"Me & Scooby-Doo Down By The Graveyard"

No time for blogging today! Some friends of mine and I are busy chasing the Ghost of Finnyan MacDuff. (I think that I can just make this stoplight... Hey, watch it buddy!) In the meantime, you can watch this swell video of "Me & Scooby-Doo Down By The Graveyard" by Captain Plaid & The Video Terrorists. (Ack! Fred found a clue, and Velma lost her glasses! That's a plot twist that I would never have seen coming...)

You Can't Keep a Zombie Pop Star Down...

He'll be back...

Mark Sanford Missing? Mystery Solved!

I don't believe this whole story about South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford being out for the season because of a career ending penis injury. I know exactly why he went to Argentina! It's because that's where all of the Blue Meanies escaped to in the end of the film "Yellow Submarine". (Clearly he went as an advance scout to search for accommodations for the rest of the GOP...)

Please Wish Former State Rep. Cynthia Davis the Best of Luck in Her New Position!

Never let it be said that I am one to hold a grudge. After resigning her previous position of state representative in disgrace, I am happy to say that Cynthia Davis has turned her life around and gotten new job that will insure that those lazy poor people don't get any more free food from her!

I would like to personally wish her the best of luck in her new position. I do feel that her new job is one that suits her disposition far better that her previous one. (And she gets discount meals, too!)

Thank you for my delicious corporate happy meal with promotional movie tie-in toy, former representative davis!

Hunger is indeed a positive motivator! And so are these delightful Happy Meal toys...

Thank you, Bubs! Thank you, Jintrinsique!

Imagine my surprise when I recieved a package from the Uniquely Yours Pastry Shoppe...

Filled with the most delightful baked goods that you can imagine! Bubs from the Sprawling Ramshackle Compound sent me this delicious box of bakery goodness for some photoshop work [ 1, 2 ] that I did for his daughter. And it was all baked by the awesome blogger Jintrinsique! (Am I lucky or what?)

Thank you, Bubs! Thank you, Jintrinsique! I am not worthy of such rich, creamy culinary goodness, but I'm gonna eat it anyway! I am sending a telepathic blog bite of these delicious items out to each and every one of you. (Except the chocolate peanut butter cookies. I'm saving those for myself!)

Another Christian That Hates Poor People

In her June newsletter Republican State Representative Cynthia Davis tells you how she really feels about the poor. She states that the summer food program provided by the Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services is a waste of money, the malnourished in Missouri are actually obese, and any problem that might exist is being caused by poor people going out dinner instead of preparing good home cooked meals.

Her articles is delivered in a "point-counterpoint" style. She pulls quotes from the report fromt he Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services, and then delivers her own comments on them. For example, the subtitle of article states: "Current economic woes make Summer Food Service Program more important than ever. Program provides nutritious meals to young people throughout the state," and Rep. Davis counters:

The implication suggests that during a recession, parents don't give their children nutritious food. The reverse may be true. During hard times, many families find it even more important to pull together. Families may economize by choosing to not waste hard earned dollars on potato chips, ice cream, or Twinkies. Perhaps some families will buy more beans and chicken and less sweets.

That's the ticket! If only the lazy underfed would stop eating all of those potato chips, ice cream, and Twinkies!

"Anyone under 18 can be eligible? Can't they get a job during the summer by the time they are 16? Hunger can be a positive motivator. What is wrong with the idea of getting a job so you can get better meals?"

"Tip: If you work for McDonald's, they will feed you for free during your break."

Yes, she really said that. And workers at McDonalds don't get free food, the get a discount - if they can get a job there. And if they are over 16.

Are you hungry, and only 9 or 10 years old? Just wait a few more years! Maybe you can get a job at a fast food restaurant when you are older!

This little nugget was interesting. She starts out saying that probably no one in Missouri is actually hungry, it must be some kind of myth. Then she zig zags into saying that the problem is really obesity, that the malnourished in Misouri must be obese:

"While nobody is disputing the benefits of nutritious food, why the presumption that parents are not providing nutritious food for their children? Even if they are not, who created a new rule that says government must make up for any lack at home? The problem of childhood obesity has been cited as one of the most rapidly growing health problems in America. People who are struggling with lack of food usually do not have an obesity problem. Click here to read about obesity."

The link directs you to a video, which I presume you must read as she directs you to do, instead of watch.

Rep. Davis indicates that those lazy unemployed people can just stop eating out:

Most parents put their children first, even ahead of themselves no matter what. If parents are laid off, that doesn't mean they stop feeding their children, at least not any of the parents I know. Laid off parents could adapt by preparing more home cooked meals rather than going out to eat.

One might argue that preparing a home cooked meal on zero dollars can be a bit challenging. The statistics indicate that One in five children in Missouri currently live in hunger. I seriously doubt that the problem is being caused by poor people going out dinner instead of preparing home cooked meals. I think they would probably love some home cooked meals.

"The right way to solve this is with more education. If the problem is that parents do not know how to serve nutritious meals, let's help them learn how to do that."

So the answer is clear! Poor people are hungry because they are stupid and Uneducated. Food has nothing to do with it!

According to her official biography, she formerly owned the Back to Basics Christian Bookstore, so she knows all about how Jesus hated lazy poor people and how never gave away free food.

I'm willing to bet that none of Clown Car Christian Conservative Cynthia Davis's kids are are malnourished or living in poverty. And if they were, I am sure that she would gratful for any assistance she could get to feed them.

At the end of the article she has a section called "A Little Bit of Humor" with a joke called "Chronic Laziness":

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Get it? One in five children in Missouri currently live in hunger because poor people are lazy. What a hoot!

By the way, can you guess which lawmaker in Missouri now calling for a federal trial to prove Obama's citizenship? [ 2 ] Cynthia Davis, that's who!

mcphee.com: Rep. Cynthia Davis Action Figure
thinkprogress.org: Missouri lawmaker on child hunger
stltoday.com: scholarships for Stay-at-home-moms but not for Stay-at-home-dads

State Representative Cynthia Davis
Capitol Address:
MO House of Representatives
201 West Capitol Avenue, Room 113
Jefferson City MO 65101
Phone: 573-751-9768
Fax: 573-526-1423
E-Mail: Cynthia.Davis@house.mo.gov

President Obama and John Hodgeman at the RTCA Dinner

Last night on Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow they played Obama's speech at the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, as well as that of the keynote speaker, John Hodgeman.

In case you missed it, click on the links below to watch 26 minutes of awesome! Hodgeman feels that Obama might be the Quizat Haderach, and he very convincingly compared the Obama victory over the GOP to the film Revenge of the Nerds!

President Obama's speech at the RTCA Dinner (12:34)
John Hodgeman's speech at the RTCA Dinner (14:08)