Bela Lugosi's Dead

WASHINGTON -- On Wednesday, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld was laid to rest with a wooden stake and garland of garlic today, as the presdient looked on. Rumsfeld became the latest casualty of vampire profiling by the public - a victim of left-wing intolerance, he steadfastly contended the American public simply did not understand his kind. Rumsfeld will be the eighteenth republican official in the last month to be rehabilitated for a "drinking problem."

During the brief White House appearance, Rumsfeld, 74, ate the still-beating heart of a young child as his last meal of a condemned man. His hunger for blood, he said, "is not well known. It was not well understood. It is complex for people to comprehend." Many of the reprters present took this remark as glimmer of the trademark temperament that has prompted some critics to call him arrogant.

Entering his coffin for a final rest, Rumsfeld swore to return. "I've been here six hundred years, do you think you pitiful humans have seen the last of me?" he said. seattlepi.com

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