Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Hannidate: The mating habits of the red-breasted bible thumper

Sean Hannity, legend in his own mind

Pimping for Jesus and the conservative cause has always been a personal crusade for Sean Hannity, so it should come as no surprise that he has had his own dating service for years;

Hannidate - Since 2005, Hannity has run a dating service on his website, called "Hannidate," matching conservative or right-leaning singles. The stated purpose of Hannidate is to create a "place where people of like conservative minds can come together to meet." Wikipedia

Jesus' General has been following this phenomenon on his blog in a feature titled the "Hannicatch of the Week."

Read the last lineRead the last line: "I need another man in my life other than God."

But no pressure guys, really!

Jesus' General: Republican Fundraiser
Jesus' General: No Coloreds
Jesus' General: Kentucky Thoroughbred
Jesus' General: Wants stupid woman with big breasts
Jesus' General: Headlights of Morality
Jesus' General: Likes long romantic pogroms against Mexicans
Jesus' General: GunTotr

Red Tory has culled a number of quotes from the members of Sean's site to give a quick sense of the character and depth of the site;

"Let's have some fun with Sean Hannity's new web hook-up site, shall we? Of course this is malicious, cruel and mean-spirited, but hey... what the hell? It's fun! (I've cherry-picked some of the more amusing quotes and smashed them together for your amusement...)" Red Tory [ 2 ]

"I believe that there is nothing that can be said that Billy Joel hasn't put in a song."

"Although I live at the edge of civilization, I have a car..."

"I open doors for women, I help carry heavy things, and yes, I've even helped an old lady cross the street."

"I discovered Sean Hannity last year and can’t imagine life before him! I’m divorced."

"I'm looking for that special someone to share the good times with and to help me spread political pornography and the vast right-wing conspiracy across the globe."

"I can no longer stomach the warm and fuzzy Liberal feminist Bush hating females. I am a grateful member of a recovery group called alanon."

"I am shy and introspective. I also run my mouth too much; this, combined with my public shyness, sometimes makes appear 'aloof' to other people. To me, being Christian is not about religion, but rather having a relationship with God through Jesus Christ, by faith alone, through His Grace. [WTF?] It means we have the present possession of eternal life, guaranteed by Christ's intercession in Heaven before the Father, and the Holy Spirit's presence. [Do you need a secret decoder ring, or something? "being Christian is not about religion, but..." How is that not about religion? Zaius] If I sound like someone you'd lke [sic] to get to know better, drop me line."

"I have only been interested in politics for about a year and half. I daily listen to Mr Hanity and several other conservative talk radio shows. I feel like I have been set free from the matrix!"

"What sort of woman catches my eye? Well, she obviously must love God first and above all! From there, loving dogs and animals in general is probably helpful, since it's a 'package deal.' A good reputation is a must, and being a pro-military conservative is sort of necessary... if you know what I mean."

Red Tory: Hannity's Lonely Hearts Club
Red Tory: More Fun With Hannidate

Some of the lovelorn that post on Sean's site have strong passionate feelings about a variety of subjects;

"I Shoot Me Some Queers If I Catch One Of Them Suma*****Es In The Woods Out Baqck. We Need To Clean Out This Country Of Queers Wetbacks Librus Towel Heads And All. I Need A Good Christian Woaman Who Feels Like This."

On Hannidate, customers can also meet up with members of their own sex.
Hannidate: LetMeBreakYourBack via Loaded Mouth

My question is this, if two men or two really, really hot women (OK, insert D.E.B.S. visual here) meet up and have gay sex as a result of the scintillating dialog and witty repartee that they have on the site that Sean has provided, what are the consequences? Of course they will burn in hell forever, that's a given.

But if they meet up on Sean's website, then he has fostered and enabled this sinful act to take place. Is this a venial, mortal, or cardinal on Sean's part? How much Eucharist does he have to choke down to offset his pimping for the rainbow hamster crowd?

Not that I'm worried. Sean Hannity has enough sanctimonious-asshole frequent flyer miles stored up to go straight to heaven by lobbyist Leer jet. But it would appear that I am not the only person that is concerned about Mr. Hannity's eternal soul. On a recent forum posed the question, "Do you think Mr. Hannity should help homosexuals find love?" The response to the online poll indicates that either his website is frequented by a bunch of San Francisco liberals, or that money trumps Jesus.

Poll Results: Do you think Mr. Hannity should help homosexuals find love?

This pressing question was answered by one of the ancient conquerers that post on Sean's website, Constantine the Great:

"Hannidate should be allowed to cater to whoever they wish. Free enterprise. It's the American way."

So there you have it, boys and girls, the invisible hand of the marketplace trumps Christianity!

Money trumps Jesus, according to the principals of Hannidate

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