Hi, kids! I am John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, and I am going to be your host for the totally awesome 2008 Republican National Convention this September! When you first enter the Convention, you will pass through the Magical Mystery Tour of my totally awesome Campaign Platform! Watch as my Banquet of Conservative Ideals amazes you, and try and figure out which political position I will shift to next!
You might just say that this is where I put my head every time I speak! Some people waste their lives with their head in the clouds, but not me! I keep my head right here in the control center of my political rhetoric! I'm going to be speaking to you from where the Republican party and I initially create all of our totally awesome ideals and standards.
I am proud of my party's platform. The Republican Party doesn't just pass through your everyday lives in a regular fashion like some of those fly-by-night political parties, but sticks to your gut like real American home cooking! The Republican Party is just like that holiday fruitcake that your Aunt Edith used to make. Good solid American fare!
We are going to have all kinds of fun and games at the convention. Fake terrorist alerts will popping up before, during and after the event for the enjoyment of you and your family. Also, you can pick up some tips that you can use to teach your kids valuable life lessons, like learning how to belittle poor people and minorities in offhanded, ambiguous ways that can later be defended by famous media personalities like Glenn Beck and Tucker Carlson!
And unlike those sad, misguided Democrats that want to change America's strategies in Iraq and attempt to alter the destiny of our oil-driven economy, the Republican Party is a brand that you know and trust. With our party, you just know that we are going to get all of our totally awesome policies from experienced leaders that have shown the ability to get the job done in the past!
We'll see you there, kids! It's gonna be great!