Rumsfeld to retire to his boyhood home, Castle Dracula

Donald Rumsfeld has bought his ancestral home back from the Romanian government, and shall retire there. The retirement home is called Castle Dracula, and was Rumsfeld's boyhood home. "I used to be called Vlad the Impaler back in the day, but those days are long gone." Rumsfeld said. "I'm a respected government official now."

Since 2001, Donald Rumsfeld was the 21st Secretary of Defense of the United States. There are rumors that he will return the service of the military as an official government taster of captured Iraqi Insurgents. There are no forthcoming explanations as to what his duties may include.

$78 million dollar price tag was no problem for Rumsfeld, as he has financial interests in several worldwide pharmaceutical companies. "And there is still a lot of money coming in from Haliburton, don't forget!" Rumsfeld said.

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Bela Lugosi's Dead

WASHINGTON -- On Wednesday, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld was laid to rest with a wooden stake and garland of garlic today, as the presdient looked on. Rumsfeld became the latest casualty of vampire profiling by the public - a victim of left-wing intolerance, he steadfastly contended the American public simply did not understand his kind. Rumsfeld will be the eighteenth republican official in the last month to be rehabilitated for a "drinking problem."

During the brief White House appearance, Rumsfeld, 74, ate the still-beating heart of a young child as his last meal of a condemned man. His hunger for blood, he said, "is not well known. It was not well understood. It is complex for people to comprehend." Many of the reprters present took this remark as glimmer of the trademark temperament that has prompted some critics to call him arrogant.

Entering his coffin for a final rest, Rumsfeld swore to return. "I've been here six hundred years, do you think you pitiful humans have seen the last of me?" he said. seattlepi.com

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