Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The origin of "Test Tube Jesus"

James Cameron: 'This is a slam dunk!'

The Discovery Channel, in association with Cyrus Nowrasteh Productions have announced an upcoming documentary directed by James Cameron, the man behind the box-office hit "Titanic." The documentary will unveil the discovery of the lost tomb of Jesus.

The 2,000-year-old limestone coffins, or ossuaries, at the burial site, which was uncovered 27 years ago by Israeli construction workers, are those of Jesus, a son named Judah, and Mary Magdalene.

Homeland Security's DNA analysis of remains found at the burial site confirm that the DNA is indeed that of Jesus.

"The sample that we were presented was indeed DNA," said Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff. "So it absolutely must be true."

"The tomb is in the right country, there is writing on the tomb, and there are bodies in the tomb." Said James Cameron. "This is a slam dunk!"

The first of the ossuaries' inscriptions, written in Aramaic, reads, "Yeshua bar Yosef," or "Jesus son of Joseph." The second, in Hebrew, reads, "Maria." The third, in Hebrew, reads, "Matia," or "Matthew."

Cryptically, the fourth inscription, in Hebrew, reads, "Party On, Garth," possibly a reference to an early Public Access TV show, "...or some kids might have gotten a hold of a time machine from the future, or something." Said Cameron.

The Documentary, which will air next month, has one more surprise in store for us. The climax of the story is that 27 years ago, when the tomb was first found, DNA samples were brought to billionaire John Hammond (founder and CEO of International Genetic Technologies), who has cloned Jesus and his family members at Jurassic Park, an amusement facility that features live dinosaurs that will soon be open to the public.

The cloned Jesus, nicknamed "Test Tube Jesus," has been living at the facility for the last 27 years.

"He feels right at home here," said bible scholar and paleobotanist graduate student Ellie Sattler. "When Jesus was growing up, there were dinosaurs all around."

"That's right, it says so in the scriptures," said her colleague paleontologist and GOP stratagist Alan Grant.

For now the cloned Jesus is being kept under wraps until the airing of the documentary. Test Tube Jesus will narrate the documentary, and will later be interviewed on Larry King Live directly after the documentary ends. He is also slated to speak at the GOP convention to be held in Twin Cities, Minnesota in 2008.

Test Tube Jesus



At Tue Feb 27, 12:57:00 PM, Blogger Fran / Blue Gal said...

Stop! My spleen! My spleen!

At Tue Feb 27, 01:56:00 PM, Blogger Kelly the little black dog said...


At Tue Feb 27, 07:58:00 PM, Blogger Omnipotent Poobah said...

Wait! I thought the genetic Jesus lived in Hangar 51 or am I get the stories confused again?

At Tue Feb 27, 09:22:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Thanks, Blue Gal and Kelly the dog! We must do something about Blue Gal's spleen. ;o)

Poobah, I think that the Genetic Jesus that lives at Area 51 that you are referring to was created by the Syndicate, the shadow government in cooperation with the alien colonists. According to the Lone Gunmen, Genetic Jesus was first discovered by Mulder and Scully while investigating the "Killer Bees/Purity Control" conspiracy. Genetic Jesus is an alien/human hybrid, like Flukeman or Dick Cheney. It is obvious that the Cigarette Smoking Man is involved, as was made clear on the alien autopsy tape. That's why all of the telemarketing employees are turning into insects. It's so simple, it's frightening!

At Tue Feb 27, 10:45:00 PM, Blogger Becca said...

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read! I love Jesus riding the dinosaur. My dear Dr you rock!

At Wed Feb 28, 12:26:00 PM, Blogger BadTux said...

Uhm, your picture is wrong. Jesus was a Middle Eastern Jew and was also a carpenter. So he was a short muscular dark-complected dude with curly black hair and a black beard and a big nose. Who is this wispy blond dude with light complected skin?

- Badtux the Helpful Penguin

At Thu Mar 01, 12:48:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

James Cameron is the greatest thing to happen to archaeology since the mummy was killed making going back into tombs safe once more.

You know he actually discovered some ship wreck called titanic that many believed myth.

I hope they get Leo to play test tube Jesus!!!!

At Thu Mar 01, 12:51:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really want to see the scene where John Hammond says 'we've clocked the Jesus at 20 kph' and Grant says 'you have a Jesus?' and the Hammond says very excitedly 'we have a Jesus!'

Jesus doesn't want to be feed he wants to hunt.

LOL I think Jesus riding the dinosaur needs to go on a tshirt

At Thu Mar 01, 03:58:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea, I got the image of Jesus riding a dinosaur from, but it has been posted all over the internet. I just saw it again on Tom Tomorrow this morning.

As far as BadTux is concerned, Test Tube Jesus will be speaking at the GOP convention in 2008. How can you expect him to be anything but white, midwestern, bigoted, and a corporate apologist?

Ouch! Somehow the Cheerios came out through my nose when Lee said: "Jesus doesn't want to be fed, he wants to hunt." Hilarious!

At Fri Mar 02, 12:33:00 AM, Blogger Becca said...

Yeah Lee had me cracking up with...

"Grant says 'you have a Jesus?' and the Hammond says very excitedly 'we have a Jesus!'"


At Fri Mar 02, 02:06:00 PM, Blogger PIPER said...

James Cameron is running out of things to do in lieu of actually making another movie. What's next? He'll find a cure for cancer in a cave somewhere?

At Sat Mar 03, 11:53:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just gotta ask, did Jesus really have killer abs??????

At Sat Mar 03, 12:31:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does Test Tube Jesus know about the other plans the park has for him in a few years? [You know, the thing with the lumber and nails?] Should draw a huge crowd and make lots of money.

At Sat Mar 03, 04:44:00 PM, Blogger genexs said...

Hysterical. One of your best. The Lawgiver would be pleased.

At Sun Mar 04, 08:32:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yabba dabba dooooo


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