Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Friday, May 11, 2007

No more classes, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks!

Guess what? I shall be graduating from a midwestern college this Saturday as a magna cum pongoid!

Now, as the Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith of Ape City, you might think to yourself, "Why even go to college, Dr. Zaius? You must already have an education..." And you would be correct in this assumption, I have many honorary degrees from Ape City. But this is my first human degree!

Also, all of my degrees are from over 1,900 years in the future! Try explaining that to human resources. Time travel can be so confusing!

Many things will now change for me. For one thing, I won't have to waste money on those dreary, insipid text books. I can now waste money on completely different dreary, insipid books! I won't have to suck up to pompous and ridiculous teachers anymore, I shall now have to suck up to pompous and ridiculous supervisors. Instead of being greeted with disdain by young and idealistic college women, I now expect to be greeted with disdain by more mature and jaded working women. Hey, wait a minute! I want to go back to school!

My favorite class was Rhetoric, but you could have guessed that. I hated statistics, and almost failed it. But I think that the class I hated the most was Copy Editing. I actually got a decent grade, but I swear that the rules changed every time I walked into class. I kept thinking to myself, this is just like "Fizbin." (Spocko should appreciate this, the rest of you will just have to bear with me.)


The Rules of Fizzbin
(Fizzbin is a fictional playing-card game created by Captain James T. Kirk in the Star Trek episode #49 "A Piece of the Action." The game was "invented" while Kirk, Spock, and Dr. McCoy were being held hostage on Sigma Iotia II. Kirk spontaneously created a confusing card game to distract the henchmen guarding them. The rules are intentionally very complex.)

Each player gets six cards, except for the player on the dealer's right, who gets seven.

The second card is turned up, except on Tuesdays.
Two jacks are a "half-fizzbin."

If you have a half-fizzbin:

a third jack is a "shralk" and results in disqualification;

one wants a king and a deuce, except at night, when one wants a queen and a four;

if a king had been dealt, the player would get another card, except when it's dark, in which case he'd have to give it back.

The top hand is a "royal fizzbin". The odds of getting one are "astronomical." (When Kirk asked Spock what the odds are, Spock truthfully replied that he had never computed them.) Fizzbin Fizzbin

Fans of the old Star Trek will remember that Fizzbin is a poker-like game supposedly played on Beta Antares IV. You are dealt a 6-card hand from a standard deck. A "Fizzbin" is a hand with two pair plus two unmatched cards. (For example, king of spades, king of hearts, 9 of hearts, 9 of diamonds, 5 of clubs and ace of hearts). If the pairs are both 10 or higher (that is, 10, jack, queen, king or ace), then it's called a "Royal Fizzbin". [OK, OK, I'm making most of this up -- but so was Captain Kirk.] Problem 3. Fizzbin - What is the probability of being dealt a Fizzbin (either royal or regular)?

...And that last part is why I hated statistics.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


At Fri May 11, 07:42:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Way to go Doc! We monkeys knew you could do it.

At Fri May 11, 09:06:00 AM, Anonymous Tengrain said...

Congrats Dr. Z -

And what degree does our meritorious monkey receive?

I have never once used statistics since leaving college, but I have used copyediting almost everyday. I read the SF Chronicle. Trust me, you would need it, too.



At Fri May 11, 12:21:00 PM, Blogger Kelly the dog said...

Congrats! Any job leads, or are you going to take some time off?

At Fri May 11, 02:58:00 PM, Blogger Mr. said...

I also send my congrats. If we ever play game of Fizzbin, I plan on sitting to the dealer's right.

The best advice I got upon graduation? It's not that sunscreen line (which is a good one, btw)it's the line, "Don't eat bad food. Bad food will catch up with you. And if you are what you eat? Eat something made with honest ingredients and maybe something rich."


At Fri May 11, 04:49:00 PM, Blogger Karla said...

What the heck requires both statistics and copyediting?

At Fri May 11, 06:51:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Dr. Monkerstein Thank you for your confidence, sir! At times, I was not so sure myself. You are very kind.

Tengrain: I have a degree is simianities. It's like having a a degree in humanities, only much better.

No actually, I have a degree in communications, with a PR emphasis. It is all of the same classes as a degree in journalism, except I don't have to take a language, and none of that poetry and literature crap. Also, I really did not see eye-to-eye with the head of the English department. (My apologies to the those that are extra-literate, unlike me. I still enjoy comic books, even though I have not bought one is about 20 years. That better suits my insipid tastes. I do read Shakespeare and stuff, but come on, all that blood and guts and romance - Shakespeare would have loved comic books!)

I really enjoyed some of the communications courses, which I would not have been able to take if I had gone the Journalism route. like Survey Of Rhetorical Theory, Organizational Communications, Organizational Behavior, and a couple of film courses.

I am actually grew up and lived most of my life within an hour of SF. Are yours saying that Herb Caen and the SF Chronicle are poor at copyediting? I never noticed! But I wasn't looking either. I must admit, I usually go straight for the crossword and the funnies!

Kelly the dog: Thanks Kelly! No job leads yet. I really need to save up for a new car first. There are no real jobs near where I live now.

Spocko: Thanks! I shall attempt to improve my diet. How about if I "Eat something made with honest ingredients, and marry someone rich." Then I can afford to play Fizzbin all day!

Karla: Ah, I changed majors. The joys of trigonometry were looming in my future like a dark cloud of incomprehensible 'tater tots, so I switched majors quick like a bunny and narrowly escaped the curse of the starchy trig blockage. (See above.) So good to hear from you, I did not realize that you actually ventured this close to Ape City. I shall have to mind my P's and Q's! I love your site. More rabbit pictures, please!

At Fri May 11, 08:36:00 PM, Anonymous Tengrain said...

A-ha, as one Bay Area Native to another, good sir, then you already read the Chron with a red pen. It is a habit I learned early on, and I might add, I used to draw speech and thought balloons on the pictures even as a wee lad. MPS is an extension on that fine tradition.

I'm thinking sometime we should have a bay area blogger roundup.



At Sat May 12, 01:55:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Yes, but did you ever make little animated movies in the margins of books? YOu know, make your own flip books?

Hmm... a bay area blogger roundup. That sound cool. You don't mean like a rodeo or anything, though, right? I mean, no horses or anything. That might get messy.

At Mon May 14, 02:39:00 PM, Blogger Karla said...

I daresay Herb Caen didn't need much copyediting (you did hear he died, I trust) but let's not get into the Chron's overall need for it.

So are you looking for a replacement for the ol' Mustang? or did that stay in CA?

At Tue May 15, 07:33:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

That was several cars ago! Last I recall you were driving a Mecedes. We used to call it a Mer-chay-dees just to bug you, and you hated that!

At Sun May 20, 02:50:00 PM, Blogger Karla said...

Saab, Mercedes was a false alarm. The count is now two Peugeots, two Saabs. Saab #2 has now survived one fall into utility pole (e-brake didn't hold) and one rear-ending by an elderly female just outside Indianapolis.

At Mon May 21, 03:30:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Indianapolis? What the heck were you doing in Indianapolis?


Post a Comment

<< Home

Newer Posts  |  Older Posts