Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Haliburton Finds New Ways to Fudge the Bottom Line

'Mutant Commandos.'
A new wrinkle has been unocovered in the recent story about the U.S. military putting amputees back on active duty, and even back into combat. The Pentagon has just been announced that the return of amputees to active duty is only the beginning. A new form of "Super Soldier" is being created and tested for military applications. The super soldier is a mutant hybrid nicknamed the "Mutant Commandos."

The new soldiers are much smaller than the standard soldiers of today, and thus need fewer requirements to carry out their duties. Officials at Haliburton are proud of their new prototypes, who they say that the company will be able to save battlefield deployment costs on food, shelter and transportation costs.

Detractors of the program point out that the mutants are barely human, and are ill equipped to fight in battle. Pentagon officials poo-poo the idea that the mutants are less than human.

"Why, they are at least as human as Dick Cheney!" Said one official. "Everybody know that Dick Cheney is a human, right?" Reports of the vice-president being a human are still being compiled as of this date.

If we can get them to the battlefield and save money for the company, then I just don't see what the problem is," Said a Haliburton spokesman. "I mean, what's good for the company is good for America. Am I right or am I right?"

'Mutant Commandos.'

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9 Comments:

At Sun Jun 03, 06:55:00 PM, Blogger angry ballerina said...

I need to stop reading shit like this, least I break something.

 
At Sun Jun 03, 08:08:00 PM, Anonymous Jess Wundrun said...

Dr. Zaius, I think the Onion needs you. And if not for copy then definately for teh photoshopping.

 
At Mon Jun 04, 02:41:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Angry Ballerina: Hmm... I hope that I didn't offend.

Jess Wundrun: Ha! you said 'teh'! :o) Suddenly I feel hip! Thank you for yor kind words.

 
At Mon Jun 04, 05:20:00 AM, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I don't see what everyone's upset about. You go to war with the Army you've got, not with the one you wish you had.

 
At Mon Jun 04, 08:53:00 AM, Anonymous Tengrain said...

Dr. Z -

I suspect fraud. I mean how would these mutants salute?

Oh. Never mind.

Regards,

Tengrain

 
At Mon Jun 04, 10:23:00 AM, Blogger DCup said...

Will the evil never cease?

 
At Mon Jun 04, 01:53:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: That's right! And with an attitude like that, you can go far in this man's army.

Tengrain: Both the Pentagon and Haliburton have guaranteed this programs. Surely you trust them! (I cannot believe that you had the self-control to not make one of your f*sting joke!)

DCup: We can only hope.

 
At Mon Jun 04, 03:30:00 PM, Blogger Becca said...

The mutant soldiers look like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Whose not for a whole army of mutant brain soldiers running around battlefields with guns?

 
At Tue Jun 05, 06:21:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Hey, if it's good for Haliburton, I guess it must be good for the country - right?

 

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