Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

"Personal DNA" Test is Rigged! Rigged, I Tell Ya!

Sex with a French Terrorist!Battling Sex Kittens!Cowgirls! Cowgirls! Cowgirls!Wonder Woman!Cthuhlu Sex!Sex with Aquatic Mammals!Zombie Sex!Indie Girl!Naked Girls on Skateboards!Cheerleaders gone wild!Pin-Up Girls!Naked Girls on Skateboards!
Hopeless Romantic

Normally I don't go in for all of that online test stuff. I find them a bit frightening. The last one I took said that there was a chance I was pregnant! Still, everybody has been posting about this Personal DNA thingie, including such notables as Cap'n Dyke, Becca, Samurai Frog and Freida Bee.

So with some trepidation I filled out the form and hoped for the best. The test results create a square broken up into unequal parts. When you put your mouse over each section, it is supposed to display a category of the test takers personality and link to an appropriate website to correspond to that category.

"Surely I will get results that are similar to everybody else," I thought to myself. Boy, was I in for a surprise! Unfortunately the lunatics at this Personal DNA website think I am some kind of sex fiend! Just look at the result!

And of course I have never, ever been to any of the websites that they indicate I frequent. Except maybe one or two of them. Well, perhaps I have been to a few of them, but it was strictly for research purposes!

I am never going to take one of these silly online tests again! Unless maybe it involves superheros. Or food. Or maybe kitties.

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18 Comments:

At Wed Aug 01, 05:48:00 AM, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I'm an animated analyst! Kind of like Bugs Bunny, methinks.

 
At Wed Aug 01, 08:50:00 AM, Blogger angry ballerina said...

Dude, dancing and singing zombies are sooooo 1980.

 
At Wed Aug 01, 11:45:00 AM, Blogger Evil Spock said...

I just wasted my lunch break. Benevolent Creator

You are a Creator
#

Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.
#

You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.
#

Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.
#

The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.
#

You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.
#

Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.
#

You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.
#

You trust yourself to be innovative and resourceful.
#

Your confidence allows you to take your general awareness and channel it into creativity.
#

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
#

You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule.
#

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
#

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

You are Benevolent
#

You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT
#

You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
#

Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
#

You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
#

You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.
#

Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.
#

Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.
#

Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

 
At Wed Aug 01, 02:03:00 PM, Blogger Kelly the dog said...

Humm,
long test. I came out as a
"benevolent leader".

 
At Wed Aug 01, 03:12:00 PM, Blogger J.D. said...

I got "Generous Creator". I'd call shenanigans, but I don't wanna fill out the paperwork.

 
At Wed Aug 01, 03:14:00 PM, Anonymous Tengrain said...

Dr. Z -

I took this a few days ago, and I swear it did not have a category for me; I took it to mean I was unique, one-of-a-kind; but I think now that it means I am a misanthrope or I have no personality.

Perhaps you can offer some advice, good sir!

Regards,

Tengrain

 
At Wed Aug 01, 06:24:00 PM, Blogger MichaelBains said...

It said "You should shoot yourself".

Oh wait! It said that I'm an "Advocating Artist".

But it didn't have any links in my "DNA Map".

Does that mean that I'm not really here???

 
At Wed Aug 01, 06:53:00 PM, Blogger Mark said...

I took it too, and I'm a "generous inventor." It must be bogus, because besides the internet, I've never invented anything.

 
At Wed Aug 01, 07:45:00 PM, Anonymous mwb said...

My says that I'm destined for "grated cheese"...very strange.

I'm lacto-intolerant. Maybe it's a death warning!

 
At Wed Aug 01, 11:36:00 PM, Blogger BAC said...

Hummm ... I'm a Benevolent Analyst!

*Your attention to detail, confidence, sense of order, and focus on functionality combine to make you an ANALYST.

*You are very curious about how things work, delving into the mechanics behind things.

*Along those lines, how well something works is usually more important to you than what it looks like.

*You are very aware of your own abilities, and you believe that you will find the best way of doing things.

*Accordingly, problems do not intimidate you, as you believe in yourself.

*You trust yourself to find solutions within the boundaries of your knowledge.

*You don't spend a lot of time imagining how things could be different—you're well-grounded in the here-and-now.

*Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts

*You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

*You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule.

*You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.

*Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

+You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT

+You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.

+Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.

+You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.

+You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.

+Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.

+Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.

+Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.


BAC

 
At Thu Aug 02, 01:05:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

I must apologize, I have never actually taken the Personal DNA test. It was all a joke. You see, I kept seeing the Personal DNA test on blogs, so I made an image map from a screen capture of the one of the squares, and then added my own links. When you mouse over the image map, it shows you categories like "Zombie Sex!" and "Cowgirls! Cowgirls! Cowgirls!" and "Cheerleaders Gone Wild!" The corresponding links were equally silly. I was not actually advocating the test. I thought that the joke was clear, but I think that my little attempt at humor was too subtle. Everybody seems to have enjoyed the test, though! Maybe I should take it!
------------------------------

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I would say that you are at least as cool as Bugs Bunny. And you have a space ship!

Angry Ballerina: You say that like you can ever get enough dancing and singing zombies! Anyway, those are Pocky Zombies! There is a big difference.

Evil Spock: I'm sorry that you wasted your lunch break. At least now you know that you are a "Benevolent Creator." You should have gone straight to the Pocky Zombies like Angry Ballerina. They are far more nutritious.

Kelly the dog: As a dog, I would think that being a leader would be very important to you. The fact that you are "benevolent leader" is clear from your blog.

J.D.: You would call "Shenanigans?" What the heck is is that? Now that you know that you are generous, why don't you lend me five dollars?

Tengrain: But I am also a misanthrope, and some of my best friends have no personality! The only advice I can offer you is from the film, "A Thousand Clowns,"

"I want to be sure he sees all the wild possibilities. I want him to know it's worth all the trouble just to give the world a little goosing when you get the chance. And I want him to know the subtle, sneaky, important reason why he was born a human being and not a chair."

MichaelBains: Hmm. It said that "You should shoot yourself", or that you are an "Advocating Artist". The difference between the two categories is indeed so subtle that I am not sure that I am able to see the difference.

You don't don't have any links on your "DNA Map" because I made them up on mine. My apologies. Of course you are really here. You even tracked mud on the floor.

Mark: I know that you didn't invent the internet, because we all know that it was Ted Stevens that invented the Internets tubes. I love all of the photos on your blog! I thought this was great! I have to blogroll you because you made a Groucho Marx reference. It's in the rules!

MWB: LOL! You are destined for "grated cheese" - I love it. Your apparent intolerance for milk products could be sign that you are prejudiced. This lack of political correctness on your part could be your undoing in the upcoming election.

BAC: Three people got a description that included the word "benevolent." I think that "Malevolent Analyst" would be even better! You could misdiagnose all of your patients, and prescribe the wrong drugs for them! MWUUU-HA-HA-HA!

 
At Thu Aug 02, 01:07:00 AM, Blogger J.D. said...

Hey, I'm generous, not stupid.

 
At Thu Aug 02, 01:16:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

LOL! I'll gladly pay you Tuesday...

 
At Thu Aug 02, 08:55:00 AM, Blogger Mark said...

Thanks, Dr. Z. I'll look forward to those scientific experiments. Who will you name surgeon general, once you're in office?

 
At Thu Aug 02, 09:26:00 AM, Blogger angry ballerina said...

Says who!? You? Oh yea, 'cause you are such an expert on zombies.

 
At Fri Aug 03, 06:59:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Mark: It is too early to say. Boris Karloff, perhaps?

Angry Ballerina: As I spent my youth as a lobotomist, I do have some degree of experience turning people into zombies. On the other hand, with the GOP in power, I think that now just about everyone is an expert on zombies.

 
At Fri Aug 03, 07:14:00 AM, Blogger MichaelBains said...

Sorry 'bout the mud. I was busy diggin' my own grave before deciding maybe I should talk about it with you first.

Not sure if that helped or not...

 
At Fri Aug 03, 07:30:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Ah, well, digging your own grave is easy enough. Filling it is the hard part.

 

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