Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Death is a Debt That We All Must Pay, But Not Before Dessert!

My deepest suspicions have recently been confirmed... Fruits and vegetables are in fact bad for your health! All of them are quite deadly, but scientists have valiently listed the peskiest of these pestilent produce, aptly calling them the Dirty Dozen! [ 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ]

In my opinion, the only vegetables that are truly safe are chocolate cake and ice cream.

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At Sun May 09, 10:05:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Though logic says we're dead logic has never defined what dead is.
~from Blake's 7

At Sun May 09, 10:13:00 PM, Blogger gmb said...

Strawberries, raspberries and cherries! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

At Mon May 10, 07:08:00 AM, Blogger Rehctaw said...

Tybo! Bastard!

At Mon May 10, 11:33:00 AM, Blogger sunshine said...

Don't forget potato chips Dr.Zed! I think that they are safe too. Plus, if you eat sour cream and onion chips your getting Potato, a milk product and another veggie in onion!!
Can't go wrong there! :P


At Mon May 10, 02:01:00 PM, Blogger McGriddle Pants said...

Farmers market baby!!!

At Tue May 11, 04:15:00 AM, Blogger balchick said...

Make sure you fill your four food groups: Salty Sweet Fat and Ketchup.

At Tue May 11, 03:02:00 PM, Blogger JustJoeP said...

My rule of (opposable) thumb:
- if you're eating the skin, then you're eating the pesticides and fertilizers, directly
- if you're peeling it, then it's 'less likely' that you're eating the nasty chems, but there's still some residuals in there

I had my appendix out when I was 12, so the nasty toxins that would be stored there get to go to my liver and pancreas instead! (yummy! good luck to future cannibals who feast on my corpse).

Organic fruits are great, just wish there was some way to keep the hitchhiking fruit flies from coming in to my home whenever I bring the fruits back from the market.

At Wed May 12, 05:36:00 PM, Blogger Odile said...

black berries or cherries in a chocolate cake are the perfect couple... and don´t foget the strawberry shake

At Fri May 14, 04:18:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At Sat May 15, 06:56:00 PM, Blogger Fran Langum / Blue Gal said...

It's the safest bet! Hope you're well and just busy. xo

At Sun May 16, 09:29:00 AM, Blogger Distributorcap said...

no donuts?

At Wed May 19, 03:47:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come back Dr Zaius, come back. I hope that the poor simian hasn't perished from death by chocolate or anything. Trouble with the lower primates - they can't handle the sweet stuff.

At Wed May 19, 08:42:00 PM, Blogger Tengrain said...

Zaius, my good ape, I am relieved to know that I will live forever with my steady diet of french pastries and gin.



At Thu May 20, 10:24:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Jang-chub Ozer: That's silly! That means nobody is dead... OMG! Zombies! ;o)

GMB: Don't worry! I think that Strawberries, raspberries and cherries are safe if they are baked into a pie. ;o)

Rehctaw: Ack! The killer carrot for Lost In Space! I don't want to be turned into a giant celery like Dr. Smith. :o(

Laura: Mmm... I love sour cream and onion potato chips! I am glad that you have informed me of their nutritional value. ;o)

McGriddle Pants: Noo! The Farmer's Market is full of deadly fruits and vegetables!

Balchick: Salty, Sweet, Fat and Ketchup? I thought that the four basic food groups were fast, frozen, processed and stale! ;o)

JustJoeP: They say that all of the nutrients are in the skin, which is anther reason to not eat it! I think that the safest way to eat fruits and vegetables is by proxy. I never stop for hitchhiking fruit flies. ;o)

Odile: I love milk shakes! Cherries and strawberries are almost safe to eat, I think. As long as they are in a pie, cake or milkshake! ;o)

Blue Gal: Thanks, Blue Gal! ;o)

Distributorcap: au contraire mon frere! Donuts are among the safest and healthiest of foods. ;o)

Jang-chub Ozer: Ack! I haven't gone anywhere, I'm just really busy. Thank you for thinking of me, though. ;o)

Tengrain: French pastries? Yay! French pastries are nutritious and offend xenophobes at the same time!

At Fri May 21, 01:00:00 PM, Blogger Darwin's Dagger said...

And here's a cake that's really healthy:

At Fri May 21, 09:23:00 PM, Blogger Jaliya said...

Butter is also a food group ;-)

Authentic chocolate croissants = one of the epitomes of excellence in diet.

Molten chocolate ganache cake will keep you alive forever!


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