Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Girl Scout Guide to Islamo-Fascist Lesbian Sex (With Pictures!)

All Girl Man-Hating Club Full of Pro-Abortion Lesbians and Atheists! 1. Junior Lesbian Tab 2. Islamo-Fascist Trefoil Pin 3. Atheist Agenda Pin 4. Pro-Abortion Pin 5. Mustard Stain 6A. Gynocological Girltopia Pin 6B. Oral Sex Insignia 6C. Radical Feminist Agenda Pin 6D. Sign of the NYTimes<br />7. Communist Cookie Sale Pin 8. We Don't Need no Stinkin'... 9. Indoctrinate the Innocent Pin 10. Multi-Orgasmic Satisfaction Pin 11. AIDS For Everybody Medallion 12. Homoerotic Sappho Rainbow 13. Rusty Syringe Pin 14. Overies Only Badge 15. feminism or Death Ribbon 16. All Girl Man-Hating Club Pin 17. All Hail Satan! 18. Pagan Belief-System Pin 19. Lascivious Lesbian Pin 20. Estrogenia Council Badge

I recently took out out a rather large personal home improvement cookie loan because my good friend BAC over at Yikes! sent me a link that promised that "Girl Scouts are selling you lesbian, baby-killing feminist militia cookies."

Imagine my joy when I heard that Girl Scout were guilty of crimes involving issues of moral turpitude and loose values. I found that Girl Scout Cookies all all the more delicious upon finding that their rich, creamy goodness is actually filled with rich, creamy badness!

I was quite enjoying my rather large purchase of lesbian Girl Scout Cookies now that I know that Girl Scouts are hellbent on destroying American values, I must say. (Especially the Thin Mints and the Tagalongs. Mmm! Delicious islamo-fascist, pro-abortion goodness!)

My Anti-Jesus Pagan Girl Scout Cookies are helping me to watch my waistline as well, because everyone knows that cookies that are bought for a noble cause have no calories. Also, I am helping to fight Global Warming! (Girl Scouts are green, you know.)

Girl Scouts exposed: Lessons in lesbianism

I was sure that the story was true, because the Googly-Moogly had over 78,900 links that supported the story. Yay! Girl Scouts are man-hating pro-abortion lesbo-atheists! [ 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, etc. ]

And then my world came crumbling down around me like a mint-flavored chocolate wafer lightly dipped in chocolate. (Thin mints are my favorite!)

Much to my chagrin, I found out that the whole story is a fabrication perpetrated by Patti Garibay, the Executive Director of American Heritage Girls, Inc. This organization is a rival scouting program for girls, a "Christ-centered character development program dedicated to the mission of building women of integrity through service to God".

The story was further propagated by James Dobson and the Catholic Family & Human Rights Institute (C-FAM). [ 1, 2 ] Mr. Dobson is something of a colorful character in his own right. [ 1 2, 3 ]

At this point my running mate, Germaine Gregarious, and I decided to investigate...

If you go to the main page of the American Heritage Girls website they have a Flash element that displays several different blurbs and images that hawk different things, including a blurb about the American Heritage Girls being featured on James Dobson's new radio show...

...But the very first element that is displayed in the Flash element of the American Heritage Girls web page advertises a DVD from a private corporation,

So it would seem that Patti Garibay and the leaders of the American Heritage Girls are promoting the use of giant vegetables to their charges in order to bolster the rather laudable idea that true beauty is within:

New Partnerships Formed, Share Common Message On "True Beauty"
Through VeggieTales new DVD, Sweetpea Beauty. Now girls will have the opportunity to earn a Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch by completing projects on the "True Beauty Guide" made available on and

Big Idea is partnering with American Heritage Girls, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the mission of building women of integrity through service to God, family, community and country. Now girls will have the opportunity to earn a Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch by completing projects on the "True Beauty Guide" made available on and

To earn this merit badge (that is apparently chock full of self-esteem) the young American Heritage Girl must host a True Beauty Princess Party. It turns out that gaining self-esteem involves playing dress-up, wearing tiaras, candy and Tea Parties:

Sweetpea Beauty resources are wonderful tools for helping your girls earn their Daughter of the King Badge, and a fun Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch too! Here are some ideas for incorporating True Beauty with your Troop!

Host a True Beauty Princess Party or Sleepover

Order a Sweetpea event kit from Big Idea and show the Sweetpea Beauty DVD to the group.

Create a princess theme – everything pink, play dress-up, serve refreshments in teacups, offer sweets, and decorate tiaras as a craft project.

Review the True Beauty guide with the group and consider the project ideas below to support the lessons on the guide. Choose one or more for the group to do together at the Princess Party.

Include older girls in the planning process – they can mentor the younger "princesses" and earn their Daughter of the King badge as well.

What is interesting to note is not so much that the American Heritage Girls were blatantly promoting a corporate vegetable based product to their young girls, but that they have actually made these products part of the American Heritage Girls curriculum. According to their website, parents of American Heritage Girls must buy various products so that their daughters can earn a merit badge about self-esteem:

Now girls will have the opportunity to earn a Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch by completing projects on the "True Beauty Guide" made available on and

How to Earn a Sweet Pea Beauty Patch with your Troop

Step 1: Visit to order your copy of Sweetpea Beauty
(information on this just-for-girls show can be found below)

Step 2: Download the "True Beauty Guide" and the exclusive "AHG Beauty Guide"

Step 3: Plan a special event, such as a Princess Sleepover to complete patch requirements (this patch is a great complement to the Daughter of the King Badge, and an event can easily incorporate both!)

Step 4: Once complete, visit to order your Troop's Sweetpea Beauty Patch (available for pre-order now with shipments sent beginning October 2010)

A merit badge about self-esteem is only a few credit card purchases away!

See the Daughter of the King badge ideas for more creative ways to teach these lessons to your Troop!

True Beauty support items available at

Sweetpea Beauty event kit
(DVD, guide, posters, stickers, balloons, etc)
Sweetpea Beauty DVD
Sweetpea Beauty Songs for Girls CD
Sweetpea Beauty digital watch, t-shirt, and posters
365 Bedtime Devotions for Girls
Sweetpea Patch

Some of the products that the American Heritage Girls website wants the parents of American Heritage Girls to buy to boost their self-esteem are: Sweetpea Beauty Veggietales DVD ($14.99), Sweetpea Beauty Songs for Girls CD Sweetpea Beauty Shirt, Pink ($9.99), VeggieTales: SweetPea Beauty 100-pc Puzzle ($5.99), Sweetpea Beauty VeggieTales Wrist Watch ($4.39), Sweetpea Beauty Show Poster ($12.99), Sweetpea Extra Event Advertising Poster ($4.99), Sweetpea Balloons ($7.99), Sweetpea Beauty VeggieTales Backpack US ($19.95), Sweetpea Beauty Church Kit ($19.99), Sweetpea Beauty Sticker Roll ($7.99), Sweetpea Beauty Pink T-Shirt ($11.99), Sweetpea Beauty Dinnerware Set ($12.99) Extra Sweetpea Beauty Event Disc ($14.99), Sweetpea Beauty Plush Toy ($14.99), Prince Larry Plush ($14.99), Jibbitz Sweetpea Charm ($2.99) and of course the actual Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch itself, the Sweetpea Iron-On Woven Patch ($3.99).

And what is the message of this magical tale that the American Heritage Girls says will improve a young girls appraisal of her own worth?

Once upon a time, there lived a royally sour blueberry, a fair rhubarb maiden and a dastardly deceptive mirror! Sweetpea Beauty knows that what's on the inside is what matters most, but insecure Queen Blueberry can't see past her own reflection! So, when a decree is handed down that only the most beautiful can rule the land, the Queen gets nervous and things turn ugly! Banished to the dark forest, Sweetpea's fate seems bleak until a charming prince, a band of merry minstrels and seven snow peas come to the rescue! Will Sweetpea and her friends be able to warn the Queen in time to save her from the clutches of the tricky mirror – or will the crumbling kingdom and the Queen's own heart be lost forever? Find out in this fairy "Veggie" tale about the real meaning of true beauty. [ 1, 2, 3 ]

As near as I can tell, the moral of this tale is that a girl should not really feel capable of handling her own problems, and should instead wait until a charming cucumber arrives to solve all of her problems for her.

This rather ridiculous scenario is particularly disturbing in the light of the fact that both Veggietales and the American Heritage Girls are putting forth this message under the guise that this message is what Jesus wants young girls to feel about themselves. It also seems a bit odd that part of this "Jesus inspired" self-esteem narrative involves spending lots of money.

I am sickened by the thought of Patti Garibay and the leaders of the American Heritage Girls using James Dobson and the Catholic Family & Human Rights Institute to besmirch the good name of the Girl Scouts of America and Jesus in order to promote their own corporate agenda. This is especially galling because no one is paying the same amount of attention to the Patti Garibay and her lies, manipulation and complete lack of cookies.

And this bit is kind of odd: The Executive Director at American Heritage Girls, Inc., Patti Garibay, was involved in a lawsuit [ 2 ] against Lightborne Publishing, Inc. for insinuating in print that a bar called the Smokin' Monkey was a hangout for "skanks and thugs". A judge has dismissed the defamation lawsuit. (Lightborne Publishing, Inc. v. Citizens for Community Values et al.) [ 2, 3 ]

So Patti Garibay was once involved in a defamation lawsuit to defend a bar called the Smokin' Monkey from what she considered to be overly strong language from a newspaper, but feels no remorse about falsely accusing the Girl Scouts of America of distributing a Planned Parenthood sex guide at a UN Meeting and teaching young girls about Pagan stone labyrinths, world peace, global warming, yoga, avatars, smudging incense, Zen gardens and feminism, communism and lesbianism? [ 1 ] (Wait a minute..."world peace"?)

As I mentioned above, the number of websites that is doing a Team Xerox about this false story is astounding. You can find a few lone voices of dissent, but they are few and far between:

(I think that the article that the author is referring to is this one.)

Fear Mongering Malarkey
Posted by rockingjamboree on May 18, 2009 11:35

Reading a quote from Buddha, doing a maze, or seeing Billy Jean King's name on a list of prominent women will not turn my daughter into a Gay Buddhist Communist! My daughter's faith, character and sense of self are stronger than that.

If MAZES are somehow Anti-Christian, why aren't Christian Groups protesting the Denny's Kid's Menu? This article is malarkey.

Promoting diversity is not Anti-Christian or Anti-American!

Gee, why would someone who is trying to start a Girl's Club in direct competition with GSA Cherry Pick through GSA literature in order to come up with some paranoid conspiracy theory of Anti-Christian Deviancy? Patti Garibay obviously has an agenda that she is trying to promote. Why is WND so blatantly promoting Patti Garibay?

I just attended my daughter's Bridging Ceremony into Junior Scouts. She carried the Flag. She recited the Pledge of Allegiance. It was a beautiful, Patriotic experience. My daughter has learned a lot about charity, honesty and yes, Patriotism from the GSA. WND and Patti Garibay's attempt to sully that with innuendo and fear is insulting.

This whole thing is getting out of hand, I say. Who will defend the Girl Scouts of America and their mission to destroy all that we hold sacred?

as anyone that has followed my presidential campaign knows, I like cake, ice cream and cookies, but I don't like vegetables. Please tell all of your friends about this injustice that is be perpetrated by Patti Garibay and the leaders of the American Heritage Girls to besmirch the good name of the Girl Scouts of America.

Don't just do it for the Girl Scouts...

Do it for the cookies!


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At Thu Sep 23, 06:12:00 PM, Blogger GOPnot4me said...

But will Girl Scout Cookies ever be the taste treat that is Betty White's Yeasty Muffin?

At Thu Sep 23, 09:31:00 PM, Blogger BAC said...

Dr. Zaius, I love this! Did you know that I got kicked out of Girl Scouts for eating too many Brownies?


At Thu Sep 23, 10:31:00 PM, OpenID RepubAnon said...

If anyone's trying to lead America's young women down paths of questionable morality, it's the folks plying them with lies and cucumbers.

How long before they start telling those innocent young girls why "Prince Larry" is a CUCUMBER?

At Fri Sep 24, 01:46:00 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

When looking at the American Heritage Girls logo, am I the only one who sees the symbol of the crescent and star?

At Fri Sep 24, 12:07:00 PM, Blogger okjimm said...

Funny. Girl Scouts.... not just for breakfast anymore.

At Sat Sep 25, 10:01:00 PM, Blogger gmb said...

Shit, if I knew the girl scouts were full o' lesbian atheists, I would have begged my mother to join. Instead I looked her in the eye when she asked if I wanted to sign up and said "are you kidding?"

At Sun Sep 26, 03:13:00 PM, Blogger Batocchio said...

This is easily the best treatment of this story yet.

At Tue Sep 28, 06:07:00 AM, Blogger Jang-chub Ozer said...

suffering Sappho!

At Thu Sep 30, 04:22:00 PM, Blogger Mistress Quickly said...

Where do I get the Estrogen Badge. Does it work like a patch?

At Sat Oct 02, 03:48:00 PM, Blogger Jang-chub Ozer said...

Mistress Quickly:

Yes it does work like a patch, but you can't use it near open flame. Also it isn't currently FDA approved, so it is only available from the Girl Scouts. Just ask for "Extra estrogen" with your next batch of cookies!

At Sun Oct 03, 01:57:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

GOPnot4me: Muffins are fine, but I like cake and ice cream! ;o)

BAC: Thanks, BAC! Are you still selling cookies? ;o)

RepubAnon: I know! I am not going to stick around the see the salad dressing scene! ;o)

Lynn: Ha! That's awesome! I wish I had thought of that. :o)

OKJimm: Hmm... Cookies are definitely a nutritious part of every meal. ;o)

GMB: You should have listened to your mother and joined up just for the cookies! ;o)

Batocchio: Thanks, Batocchio! :o)

Jang-chub Ozer: I'll bet Wonder Woman was a Girl Scout! ;o)

Mistress Quickly: I think you have to sell a bunch of cookies to get the badges. ;o)

Jang-chub Ozer: ;o)

At Tue Oct 12, 09:27:00 AM, Blogger micle said...

Manor West focuses on three basic elements to stand out in the San Francisco Nightlife scene: the design, the crowd and the talent. As you walk into Manor West, you are greeted by an impressive 30 ft backdrop designed by Yelena Yemchuk, former Creative Director for the Smashing Pumpkins. The rest of the interior, a direct antithesis to the unassuming (and almost hidden) exterior of the venue, feels comfortable and spacious with high oak ceilings and a raised VIP bottle service area.

The 4,500 square foot venue has the feel of a smaller, more intimate venue. Creative placement of bars, bathrooms and VIP areas solve the flow problems that some clubs can experience on busy nights by releasing bottlenecks and making it easier to access the essential features of the club. Raised VIP booths surround the DJ Booth and allow VIP groups access to a private area with views of the entire club while a large VIP area in the back of the club allows groups of 20 to 30 to celebrate together. Talent like Caroline D’Amore, DJ Spider, Dirt Nasty, Andre Legacy and local favorites Designer Djs, Cams and Zhaldee have already graced the decks and SF can look forward to an impressive lineup of top notch DJs and bands to show up throughout 2010.

At Tue Oct 19, 05:52:00 AM, Blogger Sharon said...

Leave it to a bunch of pro-abortion feminists to bash an organization of parents who are not interested in an organization like the Girl Scouts who for years have gone left wing and everyone knows taken over by the lesbian sect. Their fearless CEO has admitted on national tv years ago, Kathy Cloninger, that Girl Scouts has partnered with Planned Parenthood and many other organizations to teach girls about sex in all ways. actually busted the Girl Scouts, not Garabay. Garabay thankfully saw what was happening and left the Girl Scouts. I am thankful for another choice and it seems the Girl Scouts are mad because they are losing their base and parents like me are catching on. I learned all this stuff first hand. And the Veggie Tale section is for 5 year olds and first graders, not adults so grow up. Do any of you have girls? If you are not a Christian, I do not expect you to understand any of this. God is on our side for standing up for what is right and not allowing an organization like the girl scouts, who's sole goal is to sell pre-marital sex to girls, so they get pregnant and have an abortion, satisfying their partner, Planned Parenthood. It's a sick world we live in now, but it's all true. This person obviously has the buying power of the Girl Scouts to put on such trash and put it in the internet. American Heritage Girls rocks. Both my daughters finished the engineering badge and can't wait to be doctors. So in your face Girl Scouts, we are not Susy Homemakers over @ American Heritage Girls. I am proud to be married and not a desperate lesbian.

At Fri Nov 05, 12:02:00 AM, Blogger Seeing Eye Chick said...

I was in the Brownies and Girl Scouts and they were full of Bible Beaters. I don't know what kind of crack this woman is smoking but she is so full of shit her ears stink.

And Am I the only one who finds it ironic that Sweet Pea is rescued by a [a-hem] Cucumber? Is he Phallic-ly Delicious?

I see several things here: As you have pointed out, a Marketing Scheme obviously. But then the Deviant Apocalyptic Name it and claim it types are always scamming someone.

And more anti-feminist angst.

Did you know Dr Z that angry and powerful women are less feminine and have to use extra large tampons? It's true. It's all that Pagan-Neanderthal DNA. But you can nip that in the bud if you purchase Princess Sweat Pea products to tame that wild vagina before it grows too big and unmanageable.

Seriously, I just cannot even be nice about crap like this anymore. I am too old and have zero patience for this kind of fanatacism that targets young girls. Thanks for pointing this out.

At Fri Nov 05, 04:19:00 PM, Blogger Jaliya said...

If I could stop laughing, even for an instant, I'd say, Golly! Just what we need, eh? -- More humans thinking they deserve to be royalty!

... and all those adolescent girls getting naughty ideas about large vegetables! ZUCCHINI, for God's sake! It's ... PORNOGRAPHY!!!!!!

At Fri Nov 05, 10:03:00 PM, Blogger Seeing Eye Chick said...

Really, all that's missing is that Toy Harry Potter Broom that Vibrates. I hear that makes a great "Stocking Stuffer!"

Seriously though, I was never crazy about the Girl Scouts. It wasn't my thing. They weren't butch enough for me. The troop I was in squealed like a bunch--of well girls, when I showed them the snake I found on the trail, and they seemed content to sit inside, talk about being outside and eat cookies. --Not my cup of tea thank you. I want to be outside in the dirt, and the sunshine, etc.., and so on. Oh yea and I loathe Fund Raising.

But I hear each troop is different. That some are more outdoorsy than others. And I can honestly say that so far NONE of my Lesbian friends have ever confided in me, that it was Girl Scouts that *turned them. In fact, I don't even recall ever reading or hearing about such things on confessional blogs or radio shows. Heard plenty of ya ya stuff about the Boyscouts but not a lot about Girl Scouts at all.

So I am going to categorize the Princess Sweet Pea stuff as a Cheap Shot. It isn't that this deviant religious group created an alternative scouting group for their children. Pagans did the same thing like over a decade ago--Look up Spiral Scouts. It is that this weird offshoot of FOF had to try and build their credibility at the expense of the more established better known Girl Scouts. It was just and still is a Cheap Shot by what appears to be one of the many ubiquitous itty bitty shitty committees. And that communicates to me a lack of grace.

I didn't like the Girl Scouts, so I didn't stay in the Girl Scouts. But I didn't knock other girls who found their joy there, or the organization itself. I simply chalked it up to a poor fit for me personally. No one had to be labeled or insulted, it simply is what it is.

Too bad these other folks couldn't figure out how to be grown ups and do the same.

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