Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Thursday, August 24, 2006

My apocalypse is better than your apocalypse!

Remember boys and girls,

*** Muslim extremist = bad, Christian extremist = good ***

They believe WHAT?According to the The Rapture Index, the "prophetic speedometer of end-time activity," the end is apparently near. Billed as a "Dow Jones industrial average of end-time activity," this popular evangelical Christian indicator coincides with a recent prediction from Bernard Lewis, a specialist in Middle-Eastern culture and politics. Lewis states that that August 22 of this year was the ideal day for Iran to nuke Israel. The Apocalypse was in fact milder than expected this year.

I present two songs that will hopefully prepare you for what these groups are calling the imminent and inevitable end to all of those that don't agree with them.

We Will All Go Together When We Go
Tom_Lehrer:"[...] In addition to writing he indulged in a good deal of philosophising. Like so many contemporary philosophers he especially enjoyed giving helpful advice to people who were happier than he was. One particular bit of advice which I recall, which is the reason I bring up this whole, dreary story, is something he said once before they took him away to the Massachussetts state home for the bewildered. He said: 'Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.' It's always seemed to me that this is precisely the sort of dynamic, positive thinking that we so desperately need in these trying times of crisis and universal brouhaha, and so with this in mind I have here a modern, positive, dynamic, uplifting song in the tradition of the great old revival hymns. This one might more accurately be termed a survival hymn."

When you attend a funeral,
It is sad to think that sooner or'l
Later those you love will do the same for you.
And you may have thought it tragic,
Not to mention other adjec-
Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do.
(But don't you worry.)

No more ashes, no more sackcloth,
And an arm band made of black cloth
Will some day nevermore adorn a sleeve.
For if the bomb that drops on you
Gets your friends and neighbors too,
There'll be nobody left behind to grieve.

And we will all go together when we go.
What a comforting fact that is to know.
Universal bereavement,
An inspiring achievement,
Yes, we will all go together when we go.

We will all go together when we go.
All suffused with an incandescent glow.
No one will have the endurance
To collect on his insurance,
Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go.

Oh we will all fry together when we fry.
We'll be French fried potatoes by and by.
There will be no more misery
When the world is our rotisserie,
Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.

Down by the old maelstrom,
There'll be a storm before the calm.

And we will all bake together when we bake.
There'll be nobody present at the wake.
With complete participation
In that grand incineration,
Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak.

Oh we will all char together when we char.
And let there be no moaning of the bar.
Just sing out a Te Deum
When you see that I.C.B.M.,*
And the party will be come-as-you-are.

Oh, we will all burn together when we burn.
There'll be no need to stand and wait your turn.
When it's time for the fallout
And Saint Peter calls us all out,
We'll just drop our agendas and adjourn.

You will all go directly to your respective Valhallas.
Go directly, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollahs.

And we will all go together when we go.
Every Hottentot and every Eskimo.
When the air becomes uranious,
We will all go simultaneous.
Yes, we all will go together
When we all go together,
Yes we all will go together when we go.

Twas Night of the Rapture

Twas the night of the Rapture and all through the house
Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.
Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care
Thinking that Jesus would not soon be there.

The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.
And Mom in her rocker with baby in lap
Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.

When out of the East there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Up in the sky I saw Jesus was here!
With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray,
I knew in a moment this must be THE DAY!

The light of His face made me cover my head,
It was Jesus returning just like He had said.
And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.

In the Book of Life, which He held in His hand,
The names of every saved woman and man.
He spoke not a word as He searched for my name;
When He said "you're not here" my head hung in shame.

The people whose names He had written with love
He gathered to take to His Father above.
With them he rose straight up from the ground,
Leaving the lost just standing around.

I fell to my knees, but it was too late;
I had waited too long and thus sealed my fate.
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight;
Oh, if only I'd been ready tonight.

In the words of this poem the meaning is clear;
The coming of Jesus is drawing so near.
There's only one chance and when comes the last call
We'll find that the Bible was true after all!

Other Antics perfomed in God's Name
the He-Man-women-haters club for God

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


Post a Comment

<< Home

Newer Posts  |  Older Posts