Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Election Update for October 2, 2007 - "Ask Me About My Magic Underpants"


Dr. Zaius here, with your election update for today. The campaign trail is fraught with many hazards and pitfalls, but in the end the eternal quest for power all boils down to one thing... Mindless prattle!

My running mate, Germaine Gregarious, has been hard at work recruiting new members into the ranks of the LGPPP, with the recent additions of Milla Jovovich, Janeane Garofalo, and Jaime Sommers (AKA The Bionic Woman). Even Christina Aguilera has been pressed into service. Her suggestion for creating a Secretary of Technology is not without merit. I think that I will need a second serving to help decide.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has chosen his running mate, Fluke Starbucker, Founder of the Jedi Order "Wannabe." Fluke has already discussed the importance of his office, Upgraded his hardware, and Embarked on a tour of the swing states. Rounding off Jon's campaign team is Jan the Intergalactic Intern, a rogue stowaway on Jon's 'Danger Sled'. She is an escapee from Dr. Smith's campaign.

Jon has been having dreams about George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt. Due to the nature of these dreams, Professor Xavier has recommended that Jon have his head dreams examined by Emma Frost. Jon has also come up with some questionable interesting campaign slogans.

In an attempt to throw the campaign's of his rivals askew, Jon has invited all of the candidates to visit a mansion owned by an eccentric millionaire this week.

Dr. Monkerstein is also having some bad dreams. He invited me over to his place to have some delicious Boston cream pie (Mmm! Two slices, please!), and then proceeded to have a series of Mai Tai induced hallucinations in which he and Pauly Shore stole some bananas from Che Guevara, or something like that. (He was not speaking very clearly at the time.) The evil Monkerstein then attempted to steal Jess Wundrun's Blogger Mojo by pulling a "Delilah" on Jess' beautiful tresses. Monkerstein never could hold his liquor.

In the guise of a French maid, Dr. Smith has conducted a month long investigation of all of the candidates, and has the shocking video to prove his disturbing allegations. I warn you, though - this video is not for the faint of heart! Smith's most recent focus on Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has uncovered hard-hitting facts about the candidate that have cause quite a stir with the main stream media.

After announcing his candidacy, iSplotchy has been spending his days helping out the president at Crawford Ranch. iSplotchy's recent version of the "Begging the Question" Fallacy (an old Republican standby) has been very popular with the bewildered and deluded many Bush supporters. Not to be fooled by iSplotchy's casual appearance, Ms. Gregarious has uncovered his actual purpose.

Although entering the race late into the election cycle, iSplotchy has still mananged to garner a lot of support from his party. Rumors of iSplotchy having an alleged whirlwind romance with Jenna Bush can be neither confirmed or denied.

Pictured here wearing the crushing weight of the military industrial complex, Tony Stark is still looking for a running mate. After turning down two of his fellow Haliburton lobbyists, he has found that Reed Richard's wife wears the pants in the family, and Stark will probably get no support from the religious right.

Samurai Frog now resides on Mars, and has accepted a position as a part-time security guard for Martian comic book conventions. Good luck in your new position!

As the election grows nearer, all of the candidates have been hitting the campaign trail with their own individual forms of rhetoric and innuendo.

Meanwhile, Ms. Greagarious and I have retired to the Ball Room. We are hard at work on our campaign strategy, and preparing for our next adventure.

Bye for now!


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At Tue Oct 02, 09:24:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

If it weren't for your photoshop skills Zaius, there'd be no reason to read this trivial tripe! As usual you twist events to fit your sick simian agenda. Evil Spock had a thorn in his paw and I was helping him get it out. The Vulcan was in pain, I tell you, in pain!

At Tue Oct 02, 09:39:00 AM, Anonymous commander other said...

you had me reading avidly, but then my eyes lit upon the french maid Dr. Smith, at which point i became lost in space. there was simply something about that image that was so...right. and thus so wrong. i think you insidiously included an image that wasn't actually photoshopped. damn your superior simian intellect and your cunning simian wiles!

At Tue Oct 02, 10:37:00 AM, Blogger Chris said...

I've seen the iSPlotchy/Jenna Bush sex tape. Hott!

At Tue Oct 02, 12:22:00 PM, Anonymous Dr. Smith said...

It was a grueling piece of undercover work, but the results speak for themselves.

Next time I'll expose that nefarious monkey, von Monkerstein!

At Tue Oct 02, 12:59:00 PM, Blogger Splotchy said...

Lies, damned lies!

Except the dating Jenna part, which may have some whiff of truth to it.

To clear up confusion regarding the photo with our current president --the iSplotchy was first and foremost acting in the capacity of a brush-clearing facilitator at Crawford, and in this visit did not serve any political function, advisory or otherwise. However, rest assured that iSplotchy's tri-core processor and nanodeciders are actively learning the do's and don'ts of presidential vacations in order to better lead this great nation of ours.

Leave it to you, Dr. Zaius, to stand on the shoulders of giants while urinating on their feet (or in the iSplotchy's case, pipe).

At Tue Oct 02, 01:30:00 PM, Blogger Evil Spock said...

Yeah, it was a thorn. Um a thorn . . .

Damn you and your photoshop skills!

At Tue Oct 02, 02:49:00 PM, Blogger angry ballerina said...

I think that is the most flattering pic of Evil Spock to date!

At Tue Oct 02, 05:19:00 PM, Blogger Distributorcap said...

i thought i saw condi is someone looking for the shoe vote?

At Tue Oct 02, 09:44:00 PM, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I just want to go on the record as saying that I do not actually have a mullet.

At Tue Oct 02, 11:26:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Evil Spock and Dr. MVM in the scene from The Shining!!!!!!

Too much.

At Tue Oct 02, 11:57:00 PM, Blogger Freida Bee said...

All I know is I'm voting for the hot one.

At Wed Oct 03, 12:26:00 AM, Blogger spocko said...

Dr. Z. I came across something while looking up Janeane Garofalo
and it kind of pissed me off.

I thought who do I know with mad skillz with photoshop who can recreate this image only with BUSH eating crow. For Janeane's birthday it might make a nice gift for her.
When it is done we can take that photo of hers and put one right next to it in Just so that they can be fair and balanced (actually them might do that.)


At Wed Oct 03, 12:50:00 AM, Blogger GETkristiLOVE said...

Why Dr. Zaius, I love your ballroom.

At Wed Oct 03, 04:31:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Dr. Monkerstein: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. No one was suggesting that anything untoward was taking place, doctor. The picture merely illustrates your adventures in the haunted house, by Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator's invitation. Why do you feel so strongly compelled to explain your actions? I had not expected you to take such a wide stance on the issue.

Commander Other: Thank you, sir! I'm not really sure that black is really Dr. Smith color, though. I think that he is an "Autumn."

Chris: Jenna said that iSPlotchy can stay hard all night. Cialis, I betcha.

Dr. Smith: Your investigative skills have made you one of the most feared candidates! On the other hand, you are not a very good maid. You missed a spot when you dusted the credenza!

Splotchy: Yes, of course. We believe you. Now explain it to the press!

Evil Spock: Hmm... After Dr. Monkerstein's response, this does seem to be a "thorny" subject between the two of you.

Angry Ballerina: Why thank you! I tried to capture his best side.

Distributorcap: I don't know if Condi will get the shoe vote, but in the category of "Worst Secretary of State in History", I think that she is a shoe-in.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: OK. Are you giving a hint about what you want for Christmas? Dr Monkerstein has an entire League of Mullets. Perhaps something can be arranged.

DCup: All work and no play makes Spock a dull boy. ;o)

Freida Bee: Ah, so you have decided to vote for me and Ms. Gregarious! A wise choice, and thank you for your support.

Spocko: Hmm... I feel your pain on this matter. I am sure that something can be arranged.

GETkristiLOVE: Ah, the ballroom belongs to my running mate, Germaine Gregarious. You should stop by and exchange decorating tips.

At Thu Oct 04, 12:22:00 PM, Blogger SamuraiFrog said...

Those Martian comic book conventions have the best green chicks! I find that I need things to do, since prime ministering on Mars actually requires very little day to day work, thanks to the new policies I've implemented! Six weeks of vacation a year guaranteed!

Now if only Ms. Gregarious would stop sending me pictures of herself, I could concentrate. Damn hypno-tits!

At Thu Oct 04, 01:55:00 PM, Blogger Freida Bee said...

I just saw somethings about magic underpants. I'm asking...

At Tue Oct 09, 06:50:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

SamuraiFrog: Give in to the power of the hypno-tits, Froggy...

Freida Bee: I have magic underpants, Just like Mitt Romney! Only mine derive their power from children's breakfast cereal. They are magically delicious!


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