Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Monday, July 07, 2008

A Brief Preview of the 2008 Republican National Convention

Hi, kids! I am John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, and I am going to be your host for the totally awesome 2008 Republican National Convention this September! When you first enter the Convention, you will pass through the Magical Mystery Tour of my totally awesome Campaign Platform! Watch as my Banquet of Conservative Ideals amazes you, and try and figure out which political position I will shift to next!

You might just say that this is where I put my head every time I speak! Some people waste their lives with their head in the clouds, but not me! I keep my head right here in the control center of my political rhetoric! I'm going to be speaking to you from where the Republican party and I initially create all of our totally awesome ideals and standards.

I am proud of my party's platform. The Republican Party doesn't just pass through your everyday lives in a regular fashion like some of those fly-by-night political parties, but sticks to your gut like real American home cooking! The Republican Party is just like that holiday fruitcake that your Aunt Edith used to make. Good solid American fare!

We are going to have all kinds of fun and games at the convention. Fake terrorist alerts will popping up before, during and after the event for the enjoyment of you and your family. Also, you can pick up some tips that you can use to teach your kids valuable life lessons, like learning how to belittle poor people and minorities in offhanded, ambiguous ways that can later be defended by famous media personalities like Glenn Beck and Tucker Carlson!

And unlike those sad, misguided Democrats that want to change America's strategies in Iraq and attempt to alter the destiny of our oil-driven economy, the Republican Party is a brand that you know and trust. With our party, you just know that we are going to get all of our totally awesome policies from experienced leaders that have shown the ability to get the job done in the past!

We'll see you there, kids! It's gonna be great!


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At Mon Jul 07, 01:36:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...


At Mon Jul 07, 02:21:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Agreed! Brilliant! That first picture is a new favorite!

Hey, how about this - since we're going to have to live with terrorist alerts, can we treat them like national snow days? Everyone gets to stay home from work and/or school? Pretty Please?

At Mon Jul 07, 02:34:00 PM, Blogger ThoughtCriminal said...

Wow, what a coincidence, I'm getting a colonoscopy tomorrow. It will be intersting to compare the GOP Convention.

At Mon Jul 07, 02:52:00 PM, Blogger Spirula said...

Wonderful! Brilliant!

McCain is certainly a polyptician that is roid for America.

As Jeffery Goines would say, "Colonics for everyone!" A winning platform if there ever was one.

At Mon Jul 07, 02:57:00 PM, Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Funny as hell!

But between now and then, McCain is going to have to remove his head from bush's ass.

At Mon Jul 07, 03:27:00 PM, Blogger Dave The Angry Rhode Islander said...

So many assholes in one post - Zaius you've set some sort of record!

At Mon Jul 07, 05:08:00 PM, Blogger Comrade Kevin said...

Rather, um...graphic.

But yes, I wonder how far McCain's ass one has to be before you realize he's fucking you?

At Mon Jul 07, 05:38:00 PM, Blogger splord said...

I do believe that this may be the best post in history.

*standing ovation, calls of encore, etc.*

At Mon Jul 07, 06:40:00 PM, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Say, is McCain copping a feel of Bush's butt in that picture?

At Mon Jul 07, 06:45:00 PM, Blogger Dean Wormer said...

It's an amazing act of physics that McCain can fit both his head and his entire body at the same time up there.

At Mon Jul 07, 07:02:00 PM, Blogger General Stuck said...

Most excellent! And perfect context for the wingnut bambalooza convention.

At Mon Jul 07, 07:06:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

He's too old to do anything.

At Mon Jul 07, 07:27:00 PM, Blogger Bradda said...

You've really outdone yourself you crazy monkey! Well played...

At Mon Jul 07, 09:18:00 PM, Blogger two crows said...

these folks all seem to be clamoring to get IN.
and, if they want in so badly, who are we to try and stop em? LET em in, I say, maybe they'll lose their way and not get out by election day?

At Mon Jul 07, 09:23:00 PM, Blogger Steve said...

i read in the inner tubes he has already balanced the budget and won the war(s)

II thought that meant I had already voted for him. Who knew :)

At Tue Jul 08, 03:39:00 AM, Blogger Odile said...

This remember me a joke:
One day a few human parts was reunited to discuss which of them will be the boss:
*brain: is obvious that I must to be the boss, ´cause it´s me the one who organize everything.
*heart: no. I´m must be the boss because I bomb the blood in all of you.
And so on, each one tell their own reasons to be the boss, suddenly the ass speak:
*ass: NO... I WANT to be boss.
but he said no explanation of why, all the other part said he will no be the boss, then the ass close it self and all the body start to be sick.
*ass: I will not open myself until I be the boss...
So since that day the ass is the boss.

(hopping you understand my English ^_^)

At Tue Jul 08, 05:01:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant, Zaius. And he didn't have to call anyone a cunt.

At Tue Jul 08, 05:14:00 AM, Blogger Fran said...

Stunned and speechless.

You have outdone yourself with this.

Holy crap Zaius -- I can't even say another word. Amazing.

At Tue Jul 08, 08:44:00 AM, Blogger Randal Graves said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is great, easily the best intestinal track I've ever had the luxury of going through!

At Tue Jul 08, 10:01:00 AM, Blogger Angry Ballerina said...

I think I'm gonna go puke again.

At Tue Jul 08, 10:57:00 AM, Blogger Unconventional Conventionist said...



At Tue Jul 08, 01:18:00 PM, Blogger mwb said...

Boy do they have some GPS? Because I find it hard to tell which end is which with Senator McCain.

Since shit comes out both ends, it can be very confusing.

At Wed Jul 09, 04:02:00 AM, Blogger Distributorcap said...

this is what happens when you eat Bush's baked beans --- you become one giant fart

dr z --- can't you run?


At Wed Jul 09, 10:00:00 AM, Blogger Ubermilf said...

our country does seem a bit constipated right now.

At Wed Jul 09, 12:43:00 PM, Blogger Life As I Know It Now said...

words fail me...I am totally grossed out btw. too much McColon for me.

At Wed Jul 09, 03:56:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like some Joker once said, "This country needs an enema!"

Well done, Dr. This should be blog-whored far and wide.

At Wed Jul 09, 04:25:00 PM, Blogger puddy said...

it's all becoming clear to me now.... John McCain is the Goatsie of the republican party...

At Wed Jul 09, 06:24:00 PM, Blogger Utah Savage said...

Great post. McColon the polyptician! Nicely done.

At Thu Jul 10, 04:32:00 AM, Blogger Batocchio said...

Well done! Dr. Z, I don't know if you ever saw Doonesbury's "In Search of Reagan's Brain" series. My favorite part was when reporter Roland stood in Reagan's optic center, where by a strange, uncurable defect, Reagan always stared backward through a rosy haze.

At Thu Jul 10, 07:41:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Dr. Monkerstein: Thank you, Dr. Monkerstein!

DCup: Ha! I would love to stay home from work. Thank you, Mr. Terrorist!

ThoughtCriminal: Hee hee! your experience with a colonoscopy will probably prove to be a very "Republican" experience.

Spirula: Ha! "polyptician"! I love it!

Pissed Off Patricia: Thank you, Patricia. I have a feeling that McCain will be wearing that asshat until the end of time, however.

Comrade Kevin: The depth of his rhetoric is probably far enough. ;o)

Bob: Thanks, Phydeaux! I do think that's an exaggeration, though. It's not that good.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Ha! Copping a presidential feel before the election. How low can you go?

Dean Wormer: At least we now now where McCain keeps his head. ;o)

Nightjar: Thank you, Nightjar! The convention awaits! Time to wipe things clean. A giant bidet may be in order!

Zoey & Me: That's what prune juice is for!

Bradda: Thank you, Bradda!

Two Crows: It is sad to think that so many Republican's are proctologists without realizing it...

Pidomon: "I thought that meant I had already voted for him." Diebold to the rescue!

Odile: Ha! I have heard that joke. I love it! I think that it explains the behavior of my boss at work!

Morse: Thanks, Morse! Wrong end, BTW. ;o)

FranIAm: Thanks, FranIAm!

Randal Graves: Yay! It's a Magical Mystery Tour! Look out for the colon Edna, it's got a hairpin turn!

Angry Ballerina: I hope that you are feeling better soon. :o)

Unconventional Conventionist: Ha! "McColon!" I should have used that in the title!

MWB: I agree. Both ends seem to speak with equal relevance. ;o)

Distributorcap: I love it! John McCain - one giant fart of a campaign!

Übermilf: I concur. We need to relax with some Democratic bran muffins!

Liberality: The images are all medical model representations, so no actual gross out should occur, except from McCain's policies of course!

Duros62: "This country needs an enema!" That quote is very appropriate right now.

Kreplech: I had to look up what "Goatsie" means. Ick!

Utah Savage: Thanks, Utah Savage!

Batocchio: You know, I missed that Doonesbury Reagan series. I'll have to look that up. Thanks for the tip!

At Thu Jul 10, 11:24:00 AM, Blogger puddy said...

oooh... sorry 'bout that doc.

At Thu Jul 10, 03:17:00 PM, Blogger dguzman said...

The last picture says it all. Well done!

At Fri Jul 11, 06:00:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Kreplech: Ack! No worries, Kreplech.

Dguzman: Thanks, Dguzman!

At Sun Jul 13, 11:15:00 AM, Blogger Fran / Blue Gal said...

Congrats on the round up mention, Doctor! Well deserved!!!



At Mon Jul 14, 05:56:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Ack! Thanks, Blue Gal! ;o)


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