Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The natural order of things

In an attempt to clear up any misunderstanding that humans might have about the coming of the Lawgiver, I have attempted to create a brief discourse on the natural order of things. As first discovered by Cap'n Dyke, the signs of the foretold event of the coming of the Lawgiver are clearly taking shape.
The LawgiverThe Lawgiver: The Lawgiver is the supreme being who came to earth to harness the scourge of mankind and to bring to ape-kind the wisdom of the Sacred Scrolls. The Lawgiver teaches us, among other things, that all apes are created equal. The wisdom of this message shall be clearly defined among the apes below. The Lawgiver is an ape of peace, and can also kick your ass six ways to Sunday. (The Lawgiver is also the originator of Ape Fu.)

The LawgiverOrangutans: Orangutans, such as myself, are by virtue of our superior reasoning powers and complex intellectual attributes the most equal of the apes. They are thus second only to the Lawgiver. Orangutans are natural leaders, and are in charge of all of science and religion in ape society. The natural sophistry of orangutans give them the unique ability to talk out of both sides of their mouth. This talent is why only Orangutans are allowed to read not only the Sacred Scrolls, but also the Super Secret Sacred Scrolls.

GorillasGorillas: Gorillas are as stupid as wood and easy to control. By virtue of their cruel nature and vast stupidity, there are of second equalness in the ape pecking order. Due to their limited intelligence, gorillas make excellent government flunkies and party-loyal journalists. One of the humankinds greatest errors is that they fill their armies with regular volunteer citizens. Ape armies are filled only with mandatory service gorillas of the lowest caliber that do not talk back or think.

ChimpanzeesChimpanzees: Chimpanzees are just too damn clever for their own good, and that is why they are on the third and bottom rung of simian society. they are the least equal of the apes. They are intractable in their false belief that truth is more important than sophistry. The Chimpanzee mind is so foolishly inquisitive and ridiculously reality based that it has been conjectured that they share many traits with the lowly Democrats.

DemocratsDemocrats are the only humans that live above ground in 3978 A.D. Democrats have been rendered mute due to the complete lack of voice afforded to them by the media in the 21st century. They communicate entirely through an anicent mystical orb called the Blogosphere. (The eminant human scientist Richard Schickel has determined that the blogosphere is a waste of time.) Democrats appear to have no natural leader, and foolishly insist on thinking for themselves instead of following the orders of others.

Democrats Neoconservatives hide their faces from all those around them, even other neocons. They wear thick masks that hide the scars of their cruel and sadistic characteristics. Neocons are unable to go out in sunlight, and cannot survive under direct scrutiny. Even in the 21st century they were only able to survive in the deep, dark recesses of Washingtonian politics. Neocons are ultra-right-wing conformists, and are thus able to practice the ancient art of group double think with a straight face.

DemocratsNeocons have been worshiping Weapons of Mass Destruction since the middle of the 20th century. They call themselves Christians, but in reality they practice a bastardized form of Evangelical Corporatism. Neocons are an offshoot of an ancient American political party called the Republicans. The Republican party became extinct directly after the Eisenhower administration, replaced by the military industrial complex, corporate agenda setters, and the vast lobbyist consotium.

Roger AilesRoger Ailes, leader of the Neocons, is the former president of Fox News Channel and the former chairman of Fox Television. After the Third World War, Fox News mutants were forced to go underground. At one time it was thought that Roger Ailes is a human ghoul, but recent forensic evidence have proven that he is in fact a space vampire, and is not human at all. Roger Ailes is able to capitalize on the mutant neocon's ability to control people's minds.

Roger AilesThe Alpha-Omega Bomb: This device was created as a Weapon Of Peace by the American military during the 21st century. The Alpha-Omega Bomb is capable of ending all life on the planet. The design of ths bomb was conceived after the creation of the Blue State Bomb, the Gay Marriage Bomb and the People-of-Color Bomb. Neocons worship this Alpha-Omega Weapon of Mass Destruction above all others.

Roger AilesThe Leader of the NRA: The Leader of the NRA is responsible for setting off the Alpha-Omega Bomb in 3978 A.D., thus begining and ending the Fourth World War in a single stroke. The NRA is an American lobbying group of the 21st century, second in power only to the lobbying organizations of the weapons contractors of the period. The irony of this point is not lost among simian historians.

Roger AilesSleestaks: Little is known about this reptilian species, except that aside from cockroaches and lampreys, Sleestaks are the only surviving forms of life after the Fourth World War. It is believed that they are composed of theatrical latex.

"And Proteus brought the upright beast into the garden,
and chained him to a tree, and the children did make sport of him."
Sacred Scrolls     


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At Wed Mar 14, 04:26:00 PM, Blogger SamuraiFrog said...


At Wed Mar 14, 09:14:00 PM, Blogger neuralgourmet said...

You know what they say... Only the theatrical latex will survive the coming nuclear apocalypse. Sure, some say it's the cockroaches but we know better. Oh yes we do.

At Sun Mar 18, 12:56:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

SamuraiFrog: Fine praise indeed, coming from the Jedi Master.

neuralgourmet: I think that our best bet for surviving the coming apocalypse is to somehow create cockroaches that are made entirely out of theatrical latex. Come to think of it, one of our nuculear rivals may have already thought of this - We might have a theatrical latex cockroach gap!

At Mon Jun 30, 09:45:00 AM, Blogger Madam Z said...

"Genius" is not an adequate word to describe this post. You, Dr. Zaius, are the most supreme of the already supremest species...the Mighty Orangutan!


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