Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Dr. Zaius, International Ape of Mystery

Secret Agent ZaiusI'm back! And what a day I had! First I had to steal the intergalactic data that I needed to save April Dancer, the Girl From U.N.C.L.E., from the clutches of the evil Dr. Pretorius. I needed to break into the Library of Alexandria in the middle of the night to get to the information, using nothing more than a few floppy discs and my simian wits!

I donned my one-piece latex jump suit and gained access through a bathroom window that I had forced open earlier in the day. I then fed steaks to the attack dogs, drugged the guards, used collapsible roll-up mylar mirrors to fool all of the security cameras, somersaulted through the laser-beam alarm system, and then copied the files into my special Angelina Jolie/Hello Kitty jumpdrive and escaped through the air vent before the authorities are alerted.

Q branch later told me that the intergalactic data that I needed was actually in the public domain. Imagine my surprise after going through all of that trouble! Boy was M pissed, he said that I could have caused an international incident! Later we lost Agent MK7 in an unfortunate ejection seat malfunction.

I was trailing Dr. Pretorius, and he led me stratight into a trap he had set for me at the Museum of Natural History, in the Hall of Man Exhibit. I was too fast for him, though, and I chased him and his henchman through the streets of Cairo and Madrid.

The next thing you know, lions and tigers were attacking at me from all sides as I leapt from the rocket launcher onto the nuclear submarine that April Dancer, the Girl From U.N.C.L.E. was tied to. 10,000 red Chinese infantrymen were just coming over the horizon as I reached the periscope and started to undo her bonds.

"Oh, Zaius, I knew that you would save me!" April said, breathing heavily. "Hold steady, April," I grunted stoically as I undid the last of the ropes that bound her, and pivoted with lightening-fast reflexes just in time to shoot the tentacle of the mechanical squid that Dr. Pretorius had set as trap for me.

Secret Agent Zaius

April and I leapt down the submarine hatch and had to fight off several guards before we blew up the hyper-sonic death ray using nothing but a chewing gum wrapper and one of April's bobby pins. But the evil Dr. Pretorius escaped in a mini-sub! ACK! Damn you, Dr. Pretorius!

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At Sun Jun 17, 07:50:00 AM, Anonymous Infidel753 said...

Don't worry, I'm sure the accountants who handle your expense account will believe every word. Assuming they're gorillas.

At Sun Jun 17, 10:02:00 PM, Blogger Becca said...

Not to take away from the word content of this blog wich is quite enjoyable... but let me take this opportunity to once again tell you how awesome I think your photoshopping skills are! Everytime I think I've seen your best shop you top yourself! Keep up the good work sir!

And you do it without opposable thumbs! Bravo!

At Mon Jun 18, 01:39:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Infidel753: Ack! I forgot to save my receipts!

Becca: That is a real compliment, coming from some one as talented as yourself in the photoshopping arts! Your work has served as an inspiration to us all.

And you are wrong about my thumbs. As a highly evolved orangutan from the future, I of course have four opposable thumbs, whereas I am sad to say that you have only two. ;o)


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