Zaius Nation - Some Apes Are More Equal Than Others

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

"Confessions of the Lovelorn" with Dr. Zaius

4 Comments:

At Wed Jul 25, 03:46:00 PM, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...: I thought you loved Isis! Are you a playa?
At Wed Jul 25, 10:04:00 PM, Jess Wundrun said...: Dr. Zaius! You can't be broken hearted. What a long trip from 1,971 years hence to be treated that way! If I wasn't married I'd clasp you to my bosom and empathize with your every wha-haaaa-haaaa-ha-haaaa.

I do have a sister. She is married but her husband is a republican asshole. Make a play for her and that's win/win for me I say!

(At family thanksgiving dinners do you like orange peel in your cranberry, or just cranberry straight from the can, dimples and all?)
At Thu Jul 26, 08:47:00 AM, Anonymous said...: How come her hair has dark roots and yours doesn't?

We know your not a natural blonde!

Never trust a woman who lies about her hair color!
At Thu Jul 26, 11:58:00 AM, Dr. Zaius said...: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Hmm... I can understand your confusion, due to the journalistic and hard-hitting documentary style of the blog. Unlike the rest of Zaius Nation, "Confessions of the Lovelorn" is completely fictitious. As a feature, it is merely an afternoon escape into the world of romance. It is just a bit of fantasy to enlighten our drab, wretched lives.

The rest of the blog is entirely true, of course.

Jess Wundrun: I find your font of enthusiasm delightful! Indeed, if you weren't married, I would gladly accept your invitation to your Batgirl lair for some introductory crumpets and tea.

Unfortunately, as far as meeting your sister, the situation does not seem much improved. She also is married. Please tell me if your situation improves in the future though, Zaius-wise. I will say this however, you comment has significantly brightened my whole morning, and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my simian "Confessions of the Lovelorn" heart for your kind sentiments. You make me feel like Pepe Le Pew! "I am the orangutan of love, no?" Oui Oui ! Ooo La La !

I do feel that you truly understand my every "wha-haaaa-haaaa-ha-haaaa" like none other.

By the way, At family thanksgiving dinners I don't really like cranberries, regardless of how they are prepared. (I am sure that I would like your cranberries, though!) I like to save room for the turkey. Two slices, please!

MWB: You cad, one never discusses the root color of a woman's hair. Always trust a woman about her hair color. Always. And NEVER makes jokes about carpets and drapes. It is a clear sign of being a complete dolt with no social graces.

And I am not a blond. My hair is bright orange.

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Man is a pestilence.

Dr. Zira, I must caution you. Experimental brain surgery on these creatures is one thing, and I'm all in favor of it. But to suggest that we can learn anything about the simian nature from a study of man is sheer nonsense. Man is a menace, a walking pestilence. He eats up his food supply in the forest, then migrates to our green belts and ravages our crops. The sooner he is exterminated, the better. It's a question of simian survival.

Only 1,967 years until the
Reign of Zaius!

Humans That Might Be Spared