Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Election Update for October 16, 2007 - "I Am Neither For Nor Against Apathy"

Good day, voters! Dr. Zaius here, with your election update for today. My scientific team and I are just finishing up putting my bevy of beautiful fembot assassins through some rigorous exploding bikini testing. The campaign trail is fraught with many hazards and pitfalls, but in the end the eternal quest for power all boils down to one thing... Mindless prattle!

My running mate, Germaine Gregarious, has been hard at work spreading our message of a new hope for this nation. In response to a meme delivered personally by the lovely Ms. Freida Bee, she discusses seven of the many reasons to vote for her. Delicious!

With the aid of the many spies in the corporate espionage division of the LGPPP, Ms. Gregarious has revealed the failed and dangerous technologies of ENCOM, a division of the Yoyodyne Corporation. In response to Germaine Gregarious' warnings about ENCOM and despite the fact that Homeland Security has classified ENCOM as a threat to national security, Yoyodyne has issued some official talking points for their media whores pundits.

In between playtime sessions with Judy and Penny Robinson, Dr. Smith has dug up the dirt on Dr. Monkerstein and Evil Spock, as well as revealing one of the evil doctor's involving Abdul Alhazed's Necronomicon. Cthulhu alert!

Dr. Smith has also revealed his solution to the scourge of the giant Jimmy Olsen robots that are decimating our airwaves. America beware! These massive cub reporters are attempting to control the mainstream media!

In response to the magic underpants and abject jingoism of Mitt Romney's campaign, Sleestak has been suffering from Old Glory envy.

Now rubbing elbows with the likes of Fred Thompson© and Garfield the Cat, Sleestak is about to re-enter the world of the Hollywood elite. Yoyodyne has issued an official response to Sleestak that may quell some of the Sleestak fervor the nation is expressing right now.

The validity of iSplotchy's candidacy for the president of the United States, as his origins seem to have come into question. He is apparently an illegal alien! Lou Dobbs has already been contacted.

ENCOM has been experimenting with some different forms of advertising for iSplotchy. With the help of it's corporate masters, yet another candidate has succumbed to the seductive power of

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and his intern, Jan Brady, have been spotted hitting all of the anime clubs in Tokyo, singing karaoke and spreading freedom. Jon has gained some points with the public by sharing some of his intergalactic exercise tips, but a recent intergalactic press conference did not go as well as planned, and an intergalactic scandal has ensued.

Jon's jovial Jedi running mate, Fluke Starbucker, has been hitting the Nesbitian campaign train. Watch out, Ted Stevens!

So far each of the candidate's reaction to Jon's invitation to a haunted house has gone untold, but I have a feeling that the truth shall be fully revealed as Halloween draws closer...

No shrinking violet to the pressing flesh on the campaign trail, Dr. Monkerstein has been lending the personal touch to his bid for the White House.

After Al Gore was awarded the Nobel Prize, Dr. Monkerstein has also finally been getting the recognition and accolades that he so richly deserve. Dr. Monkerstein has also been wasting hard-earned taxpayer dollars on failed ENCOM technology, has had a heart to heart with his namesake, and revealed that he is both pro abstinence and pro AIDS.

Meanwhile, the voters are really only left with one sound choice, Zaius/Gregarious in '08!


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At Wed Oct 17, 09:24:00 AM, Blogger angry ballerina said...

FUCK! I FORGOT WHO I WANTED TO VOTE FOR!!!! Can I write it myself???

At Wed Oct 17, 02:16:00 PM, Blogger Splotchy said...

A nice summary of the issues.

By the way, laws are currently being pushed through Congress to give the iSplotchy a retroactive U.S. birth status.

At Wed Oct 17, 06:18:00 PM, Blogger Freida Bee said...

I am still undecided as of yet, but there is plenty of time left for scandalous behavior to influence my vote. I will admit your running mate and fire crotch are certainly compelling.

At Wed Oct 17, 09:07:00 PM, Blogger Distributorcap said...

we gotta get you to the programming dept at NBC or ABC or CBS (NOT FOX) --- to show them real talent

ps --- as my mother says -- when in doubt, vote for the jewish candidate

At Wed Oct 17, 11:19:00 PM, Blogger GETkristiLOVE said...

I'm too apathetic to vote.

And I'm keeping my cat away from Monkerstein.

At Thu Oct 18, 06:15:00 AM, Blogger FranIAm said...

This is very hard for me to deal with. I started out 100% Dr Monkey 100% of the time.

Then you wily ape you Dr Z- I began to fall under your simian spell. However I have zero use for that Germaine Gregarious and maybe it is just because I am jealous.

A moment in time arrived where I saw the future and the future loomed large and very promising...


One you go splotch you never go botch.

Or something like that!

At Thu Oct 18, 12:36:00 PM, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Vote for me and I'll set you free!

At Thu Oct 18, 02:41:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Angry Ballerina: You used to have one of Germaine Gregarious' monogrammed pink pistols on your blog at one time, but if you decide to run you can throw your hat into the ring at any time!

Splotchy: Doh! I am guessing that the governor of California has something to do with the passage of the retroactive iSplotchy U.S. birth status bill.

Freida Bee: If scandalous behavior is what is needed to influence your vote, the Zaius/Gregarious are the candidates for you!

Distributorcap: Although I am a follower of the Lawgiver, I have become an honorary jew ever since I blew the shofar on Rosh Hashanah!

GETkristiLOVE: You would be wise to keep any of your house pets away from Monkerstein, as well as your morning newspaper!

FranIAm: Don't be jealous of Germaine Gregarious. Think pink! And you should be fearful of "Botch" - Botch was the name of the evil villain in John Korty's classic animated film "Twice Upon a Time". Botch wanted to explode nightmare bombs to all of the Rushers of Din! **shudder**

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: A vote for Jon is a vote for freedom! Or something, at least.

At Tue Oct 23, 11:03:00 PM, Blogger BAC said...

Who cares about apathy?

I think Freida Bee may be on to something ... your running mate and fire crotch are certainly compelling.


At Thu Oct 25, 03:06:00 PM, Blogger SamuraiFrog said...

Damn, Jan's looking good in that outfit. I wonder if she wants an internship in a Martian political office...

At Fri Oct 26, 12:42:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

I think that you would need to seak to Jan personally about that, and she seems to have quite a crush on Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator at the moment. Also, Dr. Smith would never forgive you. Her intermittent telekinetic powers might be an asset to your Martian political career, however.


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