OK, I can't begin to top these headlines, but I do have a funny story:
I remember once that some birthday balloons got stuck in a ceiling fan when I worked at an animation studio that had very high ceilings, and somehow I got elected to go up and get them. The ladder wasn't tall enough, so I grabbed a giant prop pencil to help me reach the balloons.
As I climbed up the very unsteady ladder with the giant plastic pencil to get the balloons, one of my coworkers said, "I can just imagine what we will have to tell the paramedics when they ask us what happened. 'Oh, He fell off the rickety ladder and broke his neck when went to get the birthday balloons with the giant number two pencil.'"
Dr. Zira, I must caution you. Experimental brain surgery on these creatures is one thing, and I'm all in favor of it. But to suggest that we can learn anything about the simian nature from a study of man is sheer nonsense. Man is a menace, a walking pestilence. He eats up his food supply in the forest, then migrates to our green belts and ravages our crops. The sooner he is exterminated, the better. It's a question of simian survival.