Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Friday, August 08, 2008

Britney Spears, Undercover Agent of Media Obfuscation for the Republican Party

Top White house sources have revealed today what has long been suspected, Britney Spears is actually an Undercover Agent of Media Obfuscation for the Republican Party. Her lifelong assignment to distract the American media from the dark agenda of the GOP has been highly successful, and to date the effect that her career has taken on American news has only begun to be compiled. Below is a highly condensed timeline of Britney's many exploits...

Top White house sources have revealed today what has long been suspected, Britney Spears is actually an Undercover Agent of Media Obfuscation for the Republican Party. Her lifelong assignment to distract the American media from the dark agenda of the GOP has been highly successful, and to date the effect that her career has taken on American news has only begun to be compiled. Below is a highly condensed timeline of Britney's many exploits...


Dec. 2, 1981: The GOP plan for Britney Spears' birth to be timed to coincide exactly with the Repatriation of the Canadian Constitution.

Dec. 2, 1981: The GOP plan for Britney Spears' birth to be timed to coincide exactly with the Repatriation of the Canadian Constitution.


1993-1994: Spears recieves her initial secret GOP training from Cyrus Nowrasteh while she is a cast member on the Disney Channel's 'The New Mickey Mouse Club,' along with other future celebrities Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and Canadian Ryan Gosling.

1993-1994: Spears recieves her initial secret GOP training from Cyrus Nowrasteh while she is a cast member on the Disney Channel's "The New Mickey Mouse Club," along with other future celebrities Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and Canadian Ryan Gosling.


In reaction to the election of Germany's New Chancellor, Gerhard Schroeder, and his liberal Green Coalition party taking office, Britney Spears releases the pro-Christian video 'Baby One More Time'.

October 1998: In reaction to the election of Germany's New Chancellor, Gerhard Schroeder, and his liberal Green Coalition party taking office, Britney Spears releases the pro-Christian video "Baby One More Time".


Former defense secretary Clark M. Clifford, an adviser to both President Kennedy and President Johnson, is murdered the very same month.

Former defense secretary Clark M. Clifford, an adviser to both President Kennedy and President Johnson, is murdered the very same month.


To dispel rumors of inept decisions made by the White House during the months before the tragedy of 911, Britney faked her own death, using as a motive for her apparent self-immolation a recent

To dispel rumors of inept decisions made by the White House during the months before the tragedy of 911, Britney faked her own death [ 2 ], using as a motive for her apparent self-immolation a recent "Worst Dressed Woman of 2000 Award" from parter in crime, Richard Blackwell, Hollywood's self-appointed fashion czar.


After murdering Liberal Democratic Ideology Situation Comedy actor John Ritter, Britney appeared on the MTV Video Music Awards and gave a steamy mid-performance kiss with her middle-aged counterpart, Madonna, to help start the Republican anti-gay agenda build steam for the 2004 presidential election.

After murdering Liberal Democratic Ideology Situation Comedy actor John Ritter, Britney appeared on the MTV Video Music Awards [ 2 ] and gave a steamy mid-performance kiss with her middle-aged counterpart, Madonna, to help start the Republican anti-gay agenda build steam for the 2004 presidential election.


September 3, 2003: In response to the many godless actors and entertainers that had become outspoken critics of President George Bush, Spears issues a statement with the help of Special Agent Tucker Carlson. (For the record, Carlson is still officially not gay).

September 3, 2003: In response to the many godless actors and entertainers that had become outspoken critics of President George Bush, Spears issues a statement with the help of Special Agent Tucker Carlson. (For the record, Carlson is still officially not gay).
CARLSON: A lot of entertainers have come out against the war in Iraq. Have you?

SPEARS: Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens.

CARLSON: Do you trust this president?

SPEARS: Yes, I do.

CARLSON: Excellent!


To quiet rumors about China's fifth-largest brokerage being seized by the China Securities Regulatory Commission, Spears cancels her Onyx Hotel Tour and weds

Jan. 3, 2004: To quiet rumors about China's fifth-largest brokerage being seized by the China Securities Regulatory Commission, Spears cancels her Onyx Hotel Tour and weds "Seinfeld" star Jason Alexander in Las Vegas. The marriage is annulled 55 hours later, after China Southern Securities' activities are successfully clamped down.


Britney's wedding is also timed to discredit the BBC's socialist 'Top of the Pops' television program for censoring it's Coca Cola sponsorship after criticism from politicians and health campaigners that it would be promoting 'junk food'. Britney's wedding in a Las Vegas drive-thru chapel is utilized by the Republican party to protect their corporate masters as an example of the awesome Christian value system that the GOP offers.

Britney's wedding is also timed to discredit the BBC's socialist "Top of the Pops" television program for censoring it's Coca Cola sponsorship after criticism from politicians and health campaigners that it would be promoting "junk food". Britney's wedding in a Las Vegas drive-thru chapel is utilized by the Republican party to protect their corporate masters as an example of the awesome Christian value system that the GOP offers.


July 2004: Spears announces her engagement to Kevin Federline, whose former girlfriend is pregnant with their second child. They wed on Sept. 18, 2004 to coincide with the Senate vote on The Federal Marriage Amendment, a bid by members of the United States Republican Party to amend the United States Constitution to ban same-sex marriage in the United States.

July 2004: Spears announces her engagement to Kevin Federline, whose former girlfriend is pregnant with their second child. They wed on Sept. 18, 2004 to coincide with the Senate vote on The Federal Marriage Amendment, a bid by members of the United States Republican Party to amend the United States Constitution to ban same-sex marriage in the United States. (Further details of their marriage can be found at this link.)


To dispel the idea that minimum wage should be raised and to help to cover up the connections between Enron and the White house, Britney releases her new television series that documents her courtship, 'Britney and Kevin: Chaotic' and features Spears eating Cheetos constantly.

To dispel the idea that minimum wage should be raised and to help to cover up the connections between Enron and the White house, Britney releases her new television series that documents her courtship, "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic" and features Spears eating Cheetos constantly.


Cheetos contain a mind-altering substance that sedates people into trusting the media - and also turns their fingers orange.

Cheetos contain a mind-altering substance that sedates people into trusting the media - and also turns their fingers orange.


Britney's First son, Sean Preston, is born on Sept. 14, 2005 to overshadow the event of the President of Pakistan, Pervez Musharraf shaking hands with the Prime Minister of Israel, Ariel Sharon, the first time such an encounter has been made in public. The birth of her son is instrumental in preventing an all out peace from breaking out in the Middle East.

Britney's First son, Sean Preston, is born on Sept. 14, 2005 to overshadow the event of the President of Pakistan, Pervez Musharraf shaking hands with the Prime Minister of Israel, Ariel Sharon, the first time such an encounter has been made in public. The birth of her son is instrumental in preventing an all out peace from breaking out in the Middle East.


February 2006: In an attempt to help quell public furor over the Dubai Ports Deal, Spears allowed paparazzi to photograph her driving while holding her son Sean Preston on her lap and not in a car seat. Public outcry over the Dubai Ports Deal is minimized as public outcry over Britney and her son's lack of car safety ensues. Mission accomplished!

February 2006: In an attempt to help quell public furor over the Dubai Ports Deal, Spears allowed paparazzi to photograph her driving while holding her son Sean Preston on her lap and not in a car seat. Public outcry over the Dubai Ports Deal is minimized as public outcry over Britney and her son's lack of car safety ensues. Mission accomplished!


To show her support for the morals of the Republican Party and the Religious Right, Britney becomes pregnant with her second child...

To show her support for the morals of the Republican Party and the Religious Right, Britney becomes pregnant with her second child...


November 08, 2006 On the same day that the Democrats take the House and the Senate, Britney files for divorce from Kevin Federline. To help promote to the public the many uses of her corporate master's products, she delivers the news to Federline via text message.

On the same day that the Democrats take the House and the Senate, Britney files for divorce from Kevin Federline. To help promote to the public the many uses of her corporate master's products, she delivers the news to Federline via text message.


...The media is abuzz with news of Britney second pregnancy, and rumors abound as to the paternity of the child...

...The media is abuzz with news of Britney second pregnancy, and rumors abound as to the paternity of the child...


On Sept. 12, 2006 Britney's second son, Jayden James, is born. Her second child's birth is meant to coincide with Colin Powell's 'resignation' eight days after President Bush's election to his second term.

On Sept. 12, 2006 Britney's second son, Jayden James, is born. Her second child's birth is meant to coincide with Colin Powell's 'resignation' eight days after President Bush's election to his second term.


In February 2007 Britney begins partying incessantly with future presidential candidate Paris Hilton to draw attention away from the Walter Reed Army Medical Center investigation.

In February 2007 Britney begins partying incessantly with future presidential candidate Paris Hilton to draw attention away from the Walter Reed Army Medical Center investigation.


To distract the American public from the Iraq war, and to show support for the troops, Britney appears in a series of paparazzi shots 'commando style'.

To distract the American public from the Iraq war, and to show support for the troops, Britney appears in a series of paparazzi shots "commando style".


Britney managed to successfully draw the American public's attention away from President Bush's attempt to repeal of the Estate Tax and make his tax cuts permanent in the proposed 2008 budget by leaving rehab and shaving her head bald and attacking a photographer with an umbrella.

Britney managed to successfully draw the American public's attention away from President Bush's attempt to repeal of the Estate Tax and make his tax cuts permanent in the proposed 2008 budget by leaving rehab and shaving her head bald and attacking a photographer with an umbrella.


in September 2007, Britney launched her comeback to coincide with the Pentagon's remewal of Blackwater's Contract to the tune of $92 Million, despite Blackwater USA's fatal shooting of 11 Iraqi civilians. Britney mades sure that she mirrored the administration's performance in Iraq in her performance on the MTV Video Music Awards, that is to say she was uncoordinated, lackluster and bafflingly inept.

in September 2007, Britney launched her comeback to coincide with the Pentagon's remewal of Blackwater's Contract to the tune of $92 Million, despite Blackwater USA's fatal shooting of 11 Iraqi civilians. Britney mades sure that she mirrored the administration's performance in Iraq in her performance on the MTV Video Music Awards, that is to say she was uncoordinated, lackluster and bafflingly inept.


As a highly trained secret agent, Britney is a master of disguise -  able to modify her appearance and take on the semblence of many negative female stereotypes, including everything from a spoiled child star brat to a teen trollup to a doughy, pasty faced harpy to a tired Hollywood washup to a psycho child star has-been.

As a highly trained secret agent, Britney is a master of disguise - able to modify her appearance and take on the semblence of many negative female stereotypes, including everything from a spoiled child star brat to a teen trollup to a doughy, pasty faced harpy to a tired Hollywood washup to a psycho child star has-been.


The full details of Britney Spears' involvement in the pro-Republican obfuscation of the media are still being revealed, and we can expect the full story to come out in due time. Some details may never come to light, however...

The full details of Britney Spears' involvement in the pro-Republican obfuscation of the media are still being revealed, and we can expect the full story to come out in due time. Some details may never come to light, however...


Britney Spears loves her fans!

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20 Comments:

At Fri Aug 08, 05:47:00 AM, Blogger FranIAm said...

Oh my... you have outdone yourself with this one.

I knew there was something up with her all along, more than just the usual crap.

The site of Cheney popping out of Britney did make me throw up a little in my mouth.

 
At Fri Aug 08, 06:10:00 AM, Blogger N said...

Where is the shot of Britney the day after Ned Lamont won the Democratic Primary in Connecticut, signaling Joe Lieberman to get his wardrobe malfunction ducks in a row?

 
At Fri Aug 08, 07:23:00 AM, Blogger Randal Graves said...

Screw the tin foil hat brigade, this is now my favorite theory of the age of Reagan. Pure genius.

 
At Fri Aug 08, 09:05:00 AM, Blogger DivaJood said...

I always knew there was something evil about Ms. Spears. Her name alone - think about it - BRITanny, she's British and she'll do anything; and SPEARs, a weapon of hand-to-hand combat.

Good work. Are you sure you don't want to drop out of the Presidential Race and jump onto the Shit From Shinola ticket as Director of Innuendo and Research? I'll TRIPLE your salary.

 
At Fri Aug 08, 09:13:00 AM, Blogger CDP said...

I knew it. I just knew it.

 
At Fri Aug 08, 09:18:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

It all makes sense now.

 
At Fri Aug 08, 09:48:00 AM, Blogger DCup said...

This is brilliant. I love the Rove baby.

 
At Fri Aug 08, 10:39:00 AM, Blogger Spook said...

Yes this is brilliant. For to many, America's muddled sense of what is important to, and really has an affect on our lives is unbelievable. Hollywood is not news. also hate to be a parrot but I love the Rove baby too. and the send off is just to funny.

 
At Fri Aug 08, 10:58:00 AM, Blogger Dean Wormer said...

I hate you.

Some of the images in this post are going to haunt me in my dreams.

I'm going to wake up at 3 a.m. screaming and covered in sweat with an image of Britney and Baby Karl fading from my conscious.

 
At Fri Aug 08, 11:05:00 AM, Blogger Unconventional Conventionist said...

Touche!

Now if you would just uncover the Anna Nicole Smith connection. For instance, do they have the same publicist/handler? Hmmm?

 
At Fri Aug 08, 12:21:00 PM, Blogger Darwin's Dagger said...

Some apes clearly have more time on their hands than others.

Still, it's brilliant.

 
At Fri Aug 08, 03:18:00 PM, Blogger Jess Wundrun said...

Ben says that eating Cheetos also makes your penis turn orange. I wonder why that is?

That said, I have suspected Britney all along. I mean, nobody can really be that stupid. It takes a genius to be so dumb.

Oh, and you're right Tucker Carlson is still not gay.

 
At Fri Aug 08, 05:58:00 PM, Blogger Bradda said...

Amazing! So Britney is actually the man-sized safe that Cheney hides in. I knew it! Comparing Britney and K-fed to Doritos and Cheetos was priceless. Well played sir...

 
At Fri Aug 08, 10:05:00 PM, Blogger nightjar said...

Man that Karl Rove is one ugly baby!

 
At Sat Aug 09, 09:18:00 AM, Blogger Some Guy said...

I have no words. (Other than the four I just typed)

 
At Sat Aug 09, 11:32:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

FranIAm: Thank you, FranIAm! Indeed, she had us all fooled.

N: I think it is being kept at the Greenwich Country Club.

Randal Graves: Thank you, Randal! You are very kind.

DivaJood: Ah, the purity of politics does not exist on the whims of money alone - there is also chocolate cake!

CDP: Yup. I had a feeling as well. :o)

Dr. Monkerstein: It's like a fg has been lifted...

DCup: Thank you, DCup! Oh, look! Rove-baby has just wet his diapers...

Spook: Thanks you, Spook! Rove-baby can ride in the car without the child safety seat. I don't mind!

Dean Wormer: Oh, dear! Considering that these images excite your imagination to such a degree, one can only wonder why Britney and Baby Karl have such an effect on you... an inner longing for teen trollops and middle-aged machiavellis, perhaps? ;o)

Unconventional Conventionist: Aye, that and other questions besides! we have only begun to plumb the depths of this sordid tale!

Darwin's Dagger: Ha! Idle hands are the devil's playground... Thank you, Darwin. (Or Mr. Dagger, if you prefer.)

Jess Wundrun: I am not sure what Ben could mean! And anyway, I am orange all over, Cheetos or not. ;o)

Bradda: Thank you, Bradda! Hmm... I never considered the man-sized safe angle...

nightjar: He no bag of kittens as an adult, either!

Some Guy: Hee hee!

 
At Sat Aug 09, 11:24:00 PM, Blogger Odile said...

You must to share whatever you are smoking to do this creative things

 
At Mon Aug 11, 09:00:00 AM, Blogger Angry Ballerina said...

Ok. I'm deeply disturbed now by this post.

 
At Mon Aug 11, 05:00:00 PM, Blogger mwb said...

I hear the Olsen Twins have been apprenticing under her for this role.

 
At Sat Jul 10, 12:36:00 PM, Blogger riff80 said...

Here is another friend of mine she is a professional volleyball player and is very interested in finding a roommate. If you are a guy and don't mind her walking around in her tight panties like Nicole Schnyder-Benoit try
get in contact with her she asked me to pass this around...



sexysoffershorts@yahoo.com

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