Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Bristol Palin Has Miraculously Transformed Herself Into the Abstinence Fairy!

Bristol Palin has successfully shed her image as a jilted unwed mother. Through the magical gullibility of Republican voters and the mainstream medias' ability to completely suspend their viewers' disbelief, Bristol Palin has been miraculously transformed into... the Abstinence Fairy!

Faster than a speeding condom...
More powerful than raging teenage hormones...
Able to leap her Mom's hypocrisy in a single bound!

Look! Up in the sky!
It's a bird. It's a plane. It's the Abstinence Fairy!

This blessed event has brought the famous mother-daughter team closer together than ever.

So check your local listings for Bristol Palin's next exciting television appearance...
She has an important message for you!

Meanwhile, the Huffington Post Fairy is still trying to destroy America.

(Post idea shamelessly stolen from Tengrain.)

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At Thu May 07, 08:36:00 AM, Blogger Kelly the little black dog said...

You betcha!

At Thu May 07, 08:51:00 AM, Blogger darkblack said...

'Keep your filthy paws off mah silky drawers - Don't touch, I'm Bristol P!'


At Thu May 07, 09:40:00 AM, Blogger susan said...

The state had been mortgaged to give her daughter a highschool education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, Governor Palin was greatly disturbed when Bristol whispered, "I have a confession to make, Maw - I ain't a virgin no more."

The old Gov shook her head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Paw and I made to give you a good education, you still say 'ain't'!"

At Thu May 07, 11:20:00 AM, Blogger The Young Swell said...

Bristol is a born-again Christian, born-again Virgin and born-again Hypocrite, though not necessarily in that order.

At Thu May 07, 12:14:00 PM, Blogger Tengrain said...

I told you that you would do better with the Flying Palin than I did!



At Thu May 07, 12:26:00 PM, Blogger Dean Wormer said...

I read some columnist wrote yesterday that Sarah Palin's messed up family is more indicative of average Americans that Obama's fairly normal family.

On what planet?

At Thu May 07, 01:06:00 PM, Blogger Randal Graves said...

Since the average American is a dunderhead, that columnist just might be right. Would help explain 100 million votes for Chimptastic! The Musical over the course of two elections.

I wonder how one becomes a born-again blogger. Is there a class we have to attend? Do we have to give up booze?

At Thu May 07, 02:29:00 PM, Blogger O’Hollern said...

But she looks so hot in a nun's Habit!

At Thu May 07, 05:24:00 PM, Blogger Utah Savage said...

What they said.

And where is Bristol's gun? How can an abstinance fairy not carry a gun. How can she be her momma's girl is she isn't packin heat? She could shoot down fornicators.

At Thu May 07, 05:32:00 PM, Blogger Ubermilf said...

I thought pigeon poop was bad.

At Thu May 07, 05:38:00 PM, Blogger Jess Wundrun said...

Apparently, Matt Lauer asked her a question on the Today show during the interview booked where she could tell her personal stories about how not personally following an abstinence only program made her personally very pregnant and a singularly personal unwed mother.

She refused to answer Matt's question because she said she wasn't there to talk about her personal life!

At Fri May 08, 03:19:00 AM, Blogger GOPnot4me said...

But they like her,
They really, really like her.
Ya' know?

At Fri May 08, 09:00:00 AM, Blogger dguzman said...

Brilliant! I think I want to abstain all day today! Of course, being at work helps!

At Fri May 08, 05:29:00 PM, Blogger Michael Hart said...

Flying nuns are hot!
Abstinence Fairies r not.
excellent work, Doc.

At Fri May 08, 05:55:00 PM, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Bristol's on TV
Showing us her abstinence
Good job, you dummy

At Sat May 09, 04:57:00 AM, Blogger FreakyNick said...

Following in the footsteps of mama, pre-marital sex, and hypocritical conservative.

Why is the really religious girls were always the ones getting knocked, same as back in the day. When I was in HS, all the boys wanted to date the catholic girls because they were so easy.

At Sat May 09, 02:50:00 PM, Blogger Comrade Kevin said...

I suppose next she'll say she's a born again Virgin.

At Sat May 09, 09:28:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Kelly the little black dog: That's right! ;o)

Darkblack: That's what she says NOW. ;o)

Susan: Ha! Although I'm sure that Governor Palin isn't above using a few "ain't"s on the campaign trail, though. ;o)

Wee Mousie: Actually, I think Bristol is just a kid caught up in her Mom's campaign to be Emperor of the World. She herself said that abstinence doesn't work in an interview with Greta Von Sustern on FOX News. She is being forced to wear some pretty ridiculous hats to keep her mother happy, though. ;o)

Tengrain: That's nun-sense, Tengrain! ;o)

Dean Wormer: That's not true. If Sarah Palin's messed up family is more indicative of average Americans than Obama's family, then we would all be hollering and screaming and at each other throats! And we would all be killimg wildlife fromthe safety of an airplane, too. ;o)

Randal Graves: To become a born-again blogger, you must first be baptized in a fire of HTML and then spellchecked. ;o)

OHollern: I agree! Her nun cap has wings on it!

Utah Savage: She is carrying a rifle in the second picture... Maybe she needs a higher caliber, though. ;o)

Übermilf: You are just prejudiced against pigeon poop. ;o)

Jess Wundrun: That makes perfect sense, though. If you are going to be interviewed on television about your personal life, why should you take any personal questions? ;o)

GOPnot4me: They do indeed! The FOX News Jedi mind trick is working! I think that Bristol is probably a good kid, she is just caught up in the Palin Power Grab tornado! ;o)

Dguzman: I'm with you! I shall abstain from eating chocolate cake... until I get some more, of course! ;o)

Michael Hart: The Abstinence Fairy is not supposed to be hot! She's supposed to be politically expedient. ;o)

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Thanks, John! I think you are supposed to show your abstinence before you show the baby... Oh, well! ;o)

niCk (Mem Beth): Really? Is that true? I want to meet some Catholic girls! ;o)

Comrade Kevin: Now that's actualy a good line! I should have thought of it... ;o)

At Sun May 10, 02:48:00 PM, Blogger Batocchio said...


It would make an interesting horror movie.

At Mon May 11, 05:13:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

You're right! The Abstinence Fairy can fly - Just like Mothra, Ghidrah or Gammera! :o)

At Tue May 12, 11:47:00 PM, Blogger BAC said...



At Wed May 13, 09:57:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand the comments about hypocrisy, but what the hell is wrong with hunting?


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