Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Thursday, July 26, 2007

My problem with Golf is that I'm Always Standing Too Close to the Ball After I've Hit It.


Some of you may wonder where this rivalry began between the Evil Dr. Monkerstein and I began. I was on a special Ape City assignment, on loan to Her Majesty's Secret Service, and I was sent to investigate the Monkerstein Power Pagoda. I was undercover as eccentric millionaire Al Czervik, a prospective buyer for the Bushwood Country Club.

My initial investigation led to a high stakes bet on a game of golf between Dr. Monkerstein, the foul Neoconservative Judge Smails, CIA agent Ty Webb and myself.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping,...

...And the air was thick with the foul stench of Monkerstein!

I was playing the best game of my life, and yet Monkerstein and Judge Smails were consistently tied with Ty Webb and I. The tension grew with each successive stroke.

Thanks to the watchful eye of Homeland Security agent Carl Spackler...

...One of Monkerstein's henchman was caught trying to cheat!

Then I had a fantastic stroke of luck!

Monkerstein had sliced his ball into the sandtrap!

Still tied at the 18th hole, I discovered that Monkerstein had been playing the last half of the game with the wrong ball!

"You play a Number One Dunlop, don't you?" I asked Monkerstein, who began to sweat profusely. His tiny monkey eyes darted back and forth with guilt. The ball must have been switched back at the sandtrap by his phony, fatuous, flim-flammery frog.

"Well," I said apologetically. "I am afraid you've been playing with the wrong ball. Here's my Penfold Hearts and this is a Number Seven Dunlop."

Judge Smails sure was sure steamed about losing! Monkerstein just cowered behind his golf partner and promised to make monthly installments on their share of the bet. Judge Smails paid up reluctantly in small bills, pocket change and a gum wrapper. Of course, Monkerstein never did come up with his share of the cash. That whelcher!

Even their caddy seemed to be a bit upset.

Ty Web, Carl Spackler and I retired to the 19th hole. We bought drinks for everybody, even Judge Smails! Later Carl introduced us to a special project that he had been working on, a hybrid of Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bench, and Northern California Sinsemilla.

The Evil Dr. Monerstein and his little frog vowed revenge...

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At Thu Jul 26, 11:30:00 AM, Blogger SamuraiFrog said...

I, a mere henchman? Never! Sometimes people make mistakes, that's what happened with the balls! And your facts are off; Dr. Monkerstein plays a Schlesinger 6.

Are apes from the future even allowed to run for president? Don't force me to play my trump card!

At Thu Jul 26, 11:42:00 AM, Blogger Evil Spock said...

Evil Spock suspects that the two monkeys and the frog are actually old white guys.

Who knew?

At Thu Jul 26, 12:07:00 PM, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Oh! It'sh in the hole!

At Thu Jul 26, 08:50:00 PM, Blogger Freida Bee said...

I'm new to bloggerville and it's good to know the real history. I appreciated the lowdown. I'm seeing I can't trust that Dr. Monkerstein like I thought.

At Fri Jul 27, 12:01:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

So I'm not only "evil" I am also quite the clothes horse as well? How many outfits did I bring that day? You sir will be banned from Bushwood Country Club as soon as I can manage it. And don't think I didn't see you thoss that Baby Ruth in the club pool yesterday!

At Fri Jul 27, 03:18:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

SamuraiFrog: Yes, Henchman. You have since been demoted to puppet. And it was only a Schlesinger 6 when Ian Flemming tells the story. When using a pop culture reference, always go for celluloid over print.

And of course I was born in America! Ape City will indeed be in America!

Evil Spock: You show great wisdom for a Vulcan. I suspect Evil Spock is annoying...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Ack!

Freida Bee: I like your blog! You are officially blogrolled. Yes, the Evil Dr. Monkerstein has a very wicked past. I suggest that you get all of the facts before you throw your destiny away on the likes of that unsavory character. He hates puppies!

Dr. Monkerstein: Don't complain to me about why kept changing clothes. Your vanity got in the way of your game, it would seem. I am sure that you could indeed have me banned from your little elitist corporate pigboy Country Club for depraved neocons. Why do you think they call it "Bushwood"?

The Baby Ruth in the club pool? No comment! Good day, sir. Good day.

At Mon Jul 30, 12:03:00 PM, Blogger BAC said...

Am I allowed to swap my golf and bowling scores when talking about each?


At Tue Jul 31, 04:54:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

BAC: But of course! But only if it improves your score.


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