Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Monday, January 28, 2008

Germaine Gregarious: "Consider With Caution the Confectionery Conflict"


Happy Necco UnderpantsAfter discussing the possibility of a Necco confectionery conflict with my running mate, Gemaine Gregarious, I have decided that the best way to deal with this recent military escalation is through arbitration and diplomacy. Unlike some of our opponents, the Gregarious/Zaius ticket believes that war should always be a last resort.

We should not view the recent Necco gunboat incident in the Gulf of Tonkin as an act of overt aggression. The unfortunate incident took place in international waters, and there seems to be some question as to the identity of the radio personality that taunted our naval personnel.

I would like to assuage the false fears or "domino theory" of an expanding Necco empire. The details of the recent escalation are as follows:

Monday, January 21, 2008
Aunt Dahlia: A Day Which Will Live in Infamy

January 22nd, 2008
Robert Rouse: The Unseen War

Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Dguzman: The War on Necco
Dr. Monkerstein: Aunt Dahlia, I'm with you
FranIAm: Lazy Blogger Plus - OCICBW and Padre Mickey Edition
The Free State of Neccoland: Welcome to the Free State of Neccoland
Dizzy Dayz: Chocoholics Beware: We Are Declaring War On You!

My running mate reminded me that Necco wafers helped win World War II, and have also made a valuable contribution to this country as a nearly indestructible building material.

Via Roofer's Quarterly

Ms. Gregarious also reminded me that the mining communities of Neccoland yield not only Necco Wafers, but also those little candy hearts with cute little romantics sayings printed on them.

Via Candy Addict

I must admit that I have always been partial to these romantic candies. I don't actually eat them, but I do find their sentimental messages are very endearing. It seems that in addition to their existing messages, this year Necco is adding a whole new batch of heartfelt communiqués:

The New England Confectionery Company (NECCO®) is looking to the skies this Valentine’s Day and encouraging Americans to weather the storm of love!

The 2008 edition of Sweethearts® Conversation Hearts, an iconic part of Valentine’s Day for more than 100 years, honors Mother Nature and the unpredictability of weather – and relationships.

The 10 new weather and nature-inspired sayings, such as "Melt My Heart," "In A Fog," and "Chill Out," capture the day-to-day frenzy of forecasting changing weather patterns and pay tribute to Americans’ ever-evolving affections. Other new weather and nature-inspired sayings include: "Cloud Nine," "Heat Wave," "Sun Shine," "Get My Drift," "Wild Life," "Nature Lover," and "Do Good." This Valentine’s Day, love’s in the forecast, come rain or shine, sleet or snow!

Necco candy has also inspired a line of perfume this year:

I was initially incredulous, but I found myself very intrigued by the fact that the scent contains an ingredient that I thought could only be found in the words of a Motown back up singer - I am of course referring to "ylang ylang":

Okay, this is pretty cute. To tie in with Valentine's Day, Demeter has launched three new scents, all based on Sweethearts candy. The collection is a little kitschy, but because these candies remind me of grade-school Valentine's parties, it's also something I'd be interested in smelling.

You might imagine these scents to be sugary sweet, but instead, they're florals. I feel like Demeter's fragrances are hit-or-miss, but these sound promising.

"Love Me" is a light, fruity floral with notes of orange, lemon, peach, white rose, ylang ylang, and a bit of musk and vanilla.

"Call Me" is sweet and citrusy, with notes of lemon zest, jasmine, honeysuckle, water lotus and white rose.

"Be My Valentine" features notes of peach skin, strawberry leaf, caramelized sugar and ylang ylang.

These scents are available as lotions and shower gels ($11.50–$14.50) along with the regular cologne sprays ($20–$39.50). But since you can order a 0.5 ounce mini-splash for just $5, I think that's the way to start. Bella Sugar

I am Sure that any Necco candy scent will smell as good as Necco wafers taste!

Recent scientific taste tests of the Necco products indicate that the flavors of Necco Wafers are distinctly, ahem, different enough from the flavors of regular American candy as to not cause undue competition in the overall confectionery market.

Necco Wafers Taste Test
Green: citrus floor wax – you’re eatin’ PineSol honey!
Black: licorice from grandma’s purse…that got buried with grandma.
Pink: Pepto-Bismol.
Purple: Grapish.
Orange: embalming fluid and Sunny D. Is that redundant?
White: communion wafers from the Church of Willy Wonka.
Brown: flying saucer poo. Matt Staggs

Perhaps of far greater concern to the American public is the recent sale of the Necco candy company to a shady division of the military industrial complex:

Investors buy out Necco candy company
The New England Confectionary Company, the candy maker famous for Necco wafers and Sweethearts Conversation Hearts, has been sold to a group of investors.

American Capital Strategies Ltd. said it partnered with Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems and Necco’s chief executive Dr. Emilio Lizardo in the deal. Boston Herald

With Valentine's Day around the corner, now is not the time to quibble about candy. Now is the time to save an important American institution - the Necco candy heart. I have contacted Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator to look into the matter more thoroughly.


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At Mon Jan 28, 07:58:00 AM, Blogger Germaine Gregarious said...

All war weary soldiers are welcome to a Valentine's soiree in the Rumpus Room, where we will bury the hatchet. (Somewhere besides Sleestak's skull; Dr. Monkey- I'll be watching!)

Necco Cosmos and Chocolate Martinis! Plus the usual Mai Tai's, Planet of the Apes and sippin' bourbon.

Viva la difference!

At Mon Jan 28, 08:34:00 AM, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

When asked for comment, Dr. LIzardo said "This is not my damned planet, monkeyboy!"

Yeah, Necco used to make their wafers in Chicago but moved them out a couple years ago. The Necco wafers were useful at tollbooths as they worked just like quarters (something I never acyually tried, though). I'm not sure if the hearts work in tollbooths...

At Mon Jan 28, 09:23:00 AM, Blogger dguzman said...

This weary warrior is certainly looking forward to a shindig with sippin' bourbon and candy hearts that say "I'm not a lesbian but my girlfriend is." I'm there.

At Mon Jan 28, 09:38:00 AM, Blogger Robert Rouse said...

The Free State of Neccoland is not looking for a conflict. We are simply defending our right to enjoy all the goodness that Necco brings. We only seek a peaceful resolution from the attacks on our rights from the Chocolate Empire.

We are willing to come to the table - but ONLY if the pro-chocolate forces make the first move by declaring the right of Free Neccos to exist.

At Mon Jan 28, 10:49:00 AM, Blogger Dean Wormer said...

Doesn't Necco also make those urinal cakes?

A "friend" told me they even taste alike.

They ought to mix the slogans on the candy hearts with the urinal cakes. Then men would get a positive message while they drain the lizard.

"B Cool" or "U R Special" would really brighten up the men's room.

At Mon Jan 28, 01:17:00 PM, Blogger Übermilf said...

NECCO's can exist.

As long as I don't have to eat them.

At Mon Jan 28, 02:09:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In a steel cage death match between Necco candy hearts, candy corns and circus peanuts - who would win?

At Mon Jan 28, 05:43:00 PM, Blogger Distributorcap said...

now i know why we did so poorly in Iraq -- no Necco's were thrown at us

At Tue Jan 29, 05:16:00 AM, Blogger FranIAm said...

I will be making a public comment on this topic at my blog very soon...

If you have questions in the meantime, see Dana Perino.

At Tue Jan 29, 09:29:00 AM, Blogger Swinebread said...

I always thought that Necco would be a great supervillain name

At Tue Jan 29, 10:14:00 AM, Blogger CDP said...

Thank you for hosting the summit, Dr. Zaius and GG--we're ready to come to the table!

At Tue Jan 29, 04:24:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Germaine Gregarious: Yay! Another party! I'll comb my hair and wear a tie and everything.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Ha! "Laugh while you can, monkeyboy!"

dguzman: You are a weary warrior bunny? Don't worry, we will get you some coffee!

Robert Rouse: But of course Free Neccos have the right to exist! Just as I have the right to enjoy reading those cute little romantics sayings on those little candy hearts, and the right to not enjoy eating them.

Dean Wormer: I believe that your comment was a broad, sweeping insult to urinal cakes everywhere.

Übermilf: Exactly! That is the message of our peace proposal in a nutshell.

MWB's World: There are some questions that are beyond the realm of understanding. (I would lay odds on the Circus Peanuts, though. Those things are scary.)

Distributorcap: It's a good thing that Neccos weren't thrown at our soldiers! Those things would hurt if hurled at sufficient velocity!

FranIAm: So you have been hanging out with Dana Perino, eh? That may explain a few things.

Swinebread: Ack! The nightmarish NECCO!

CDP: Ah, so glad that this matter can be negotiated. We welcome Necconians with open arms!


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