Germaine Gregarious: "Consider With Caution the Confectionery Conflict"

 

After discussing the possibility of a Necco confectionery conflict with my running mate, Gemaine Gregarious, I have decided that the best way to deal with this recent military escalation is through arbitration and diplomacy. Unlike some of our opponents, the Gregarious/Zaius ticket believes that war should always be a last resort. We should not view the recent Necco gunboat incident in the Gulf of Tonkin as an act of overt aggression. The unfortunate incident took place in international waters, and there seems to be some question as to the identity of the radio personality that taunted our naval personnel. I would like to assuage the false fears or "domino theory" of an expanding Necco empire. The details of the recent escalation are as follows: Monday, January 21, 2008 Aunt Dahlia: A Day Which Will Live in Infamy January 22nd, 2008 Robert Rouse: The Unseen War Wednesday, January 23, 2008 Dguzman: The War on Necco Dr. Monkerstein: Aunt Dahlia, I'm with you FranIAm: Lazy Blogger Plus - OCICBW and Padre Mickey Edition The Free State of Neccoland: Welcome to the Free State of Neccoland Dizzy Dayz: Chocoholics Beware: We Are Declaring War On You! My running mate reminded me that Necco wafers helped win World War II, and have also made a valuable contribution to this country as a nearly indestructible building material. Via Roofer's Quarterly Ms. Gregarious also reminded me that the mining communities of Neccoland yield not only Necco Wafers, but also those little candy hearts with cute little romantics sayings printed on them. Via Candy Addict I must admit that I have always been partial to these romantic candies. I don't actually eat them, but I do find their sentimental messages are very endearing. It seems that in addition to their existing messages, this year Necco is adding a whole new batch of heartfelt communiqués: The New England Confectionery Company (NECCO®) is looking to the skies this Valentine’s Day and encouraging Americans to weather the storm of love! The 2008 edition of Sweethearts® Conversation Hearts, an iconic part of Valentine’s Day for more than 100 years, honors Mother Nature and the unpredictability of weather – and relationships. The 10 new weather and nature-inspired sayings, such as "Melt My Heart," "In A Fog," and "Chill Out," capture the day-to-day frenzy of forecasting changing weather patterns and pay tribute to Americans’ ever-evolving affections. Other new weather and nature-inspired sayings include: "Cloud Nine," "Heat Wave," "Sun Shine," "Get My Drift," "Wild Life," "Nature Lover," and "Do Good." This Valentine’s Day, love’s in the forecast, come rain or shine, sleet or snow! Necco candy has also inspired a line of perfume this year: I was initially incredulous, but I found myself very intrigued by the fact that the scent contains an ingredient that I thought could only be found in the words of a Motown back up singer - I am of course referring to "ylang ylang": Okay, this is pretty cute. To tie in with Valentine's Day, Demeter has launched three new scents, all based on Sweethearts candy. The collection is a little kitschy, but because these candies remind me of grade-school Valentine's parties, it's also something I'd be interested in smelling. You might imagine these scents to be sugary sweet, but instead, they're florals. I feel like Demeter's fragrances are hit-or-miss, but these sound promising. "Love Me" is a light, fruity floral with notes of orange, lemon, peach, white rose, ylang ylang, and a bit of musk and vanilla. "Call Me" is sweet and citrusy, with notes of lemon zest, jasmine, honeysuckle, water lotus and white rose. "Be My Valentine" features notes of peach skin, strawberry leaf, caramelized sugar and ylang ylang. These scents are available as lotions and shower gels ($11.50–$14.50) along with the regular cologne sprays ($20–$39.50). But since you can order a 0.5 ounce mini-splash for just $5, I think that's the way to start. Bella Sugar I am Sure that any Necco candy scent will smell as good as Necco wafers taste! Recent scientific taste tests of the Necco products indicate that the flavors of Necco Wafers are distinctly, ahem, different enough from the flavors of regular American candy as to not cause undue competition in the overall confectionery market. Necco Wafers Taste Test Green: citrus floor wax – you’re eatin’ PineSol honey! Black: licorice from grandma’s purse…that got buried with grandma. Pink: Pepto-Bismol. Purple: Grapish. Orange: embalming fluid and Sunny D. Is that redundant? White: communion wafers from the Church of Willy Wonka. Brown: flying saucer poo. Matt Staggs Perhaps of far greater concern to the American public is the recent sale of the Necco candy company to a shady division of the military industrial complex: Investors buy out Necco candy company The New England Confectionary Company, the candy maker famous for Necco wafers and Sweethearts Conversation Hearts, has been sold to a group of investors. American Capital Strategies Ltd. said it partnered with Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems and Necco’s chief executive Dr. Emilio Lizardo in the deal. Boston Herald With Valentine's Day around the corner, now is not the time to quibble about candy. Now is the time to save an important American institution - the Necco candy heart. I have contacted Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator to look into the matter more thoroughly.