Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Apeocolypse: The Revolution will be Televised 

As detailed in previous posts, the many signs of the coming of our great Lawgiver are happening as we speak, and the end of humankind, the great Apeocolypse, is at hand.

Blue GalBlue Gal Is seeing apes everywhere she turns! She has alerted Homeland Security to several of them in her recent Blog Roundup titled "the Best Bloggers are Simians" on Crooks And Liars, including Damned, Dirty Ape!, Gorilla88, Blogmonkey, Monkey Muck, and yours truly, Dr. Zaius. The growing number of apes on the internet is troubling to some humans, but regardless of your feelings on the matter, the coming of the Apeocolypse is inevitable.

DCupDCup. the Blogger extraordinaire of PoliTits fame has noticed a simian trend going on all around her in her post titled "Do You Want to Touch My Monkey?" She found the picture above of me from back in my wild and wooly Hollywood days. (Don't make fun of the suit! Lime-green leisure wear was very trendy in those days.)

She points out that on the internet many bloggers are simians, provides YouTube evidence of the simian conspiracy to take over the media, and she goes as far as to use the forbidden phrase "Monkey love."

She has even provided a photo of one of her own children apparently turning into a monkey. Once thought impossible, I have actually seen this transformation take place! I would not have believed it if I had not seen it with my own eyes. It was on the X-Files. I think. Or was it on FOX News? Anyway, it's true, I saw it on TV. Don't laugh! Your child could be next!

Kelly the Little Black DogKelly the Little Black Dog reports on the escape of my old brother in arms, Council President Honorious. Don't believe what you hear in the news, Honorious is not in a zoo. He is being held captive by the Ape Division of Homeland Security. The White House has been holding Honorious in secret, moving him from country to country to avoid publicity and possible extradition.

Honorious is being held because he leaked to the press the secret Presidential Commission Briefing Dossier on the 1973 visit from my old colleagues Cornelius and Zira, which has been kept from the public. The article shall be published in the New York Times any day now, I am sure.

Spocko's BrainPerhaps the most important story is also the most ignored. Spocko's Brain has been covering a story in great detail about how corporations are allowing melamine to be added to grains and gluten to boost the real protein content of pet food. This has been going on for years. The FDA and your congress will do nothing to stop this. Spocko has covered this in great detail: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29.

The effect of this will be that all of the pets on the earth will be killed by the poisons of your corporations, and Man will have to find a new to creature to share his home with... the ape. "In time, humans notice the Apes capacity to learn and adapt, thus they are taught to perform menial household tasks. Soon, human society will become a sterile and more oppressive culture, with apes used as an outright slave labor force by humans."

Meanwhile, for years Corinthian leather magnate Ricardo Monteban has secretly been raising the son of Cornelius and Zira, Ceasar. Ceasar shall instigate the Ape rebellion that shall lead to man's downfall.

After his stint in the Justice Department, Alberto Gonzales will be awarded the Medal of Freedom, and become the head of the Ape Division of Homeland Security. Former FEMA director Michael Brown shall be his deputy. It is these men that humans will entrust to keep the peace between humans and apes. The consequences are inevitable.

There will be a forced "election" - of sorts, and the apes will be victorious. Mankind will be crushed beneath the yoke of simian kindness. Ceasar's acceptance speech as he is made president of the world can be found here. As you can see, the revolution shall be televised.

It is interesting to note that mankind will lose control of their own destiny and the planet earth itself, all because they didn't take good care of their pets.


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At Thu May 24, 02:11:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...


At Thu May 24, 03:30:00 PM, Blogger spocko said...

Dr. Z. As you are from the future you are very savvy to remember WHY the ape rose. It was based on the Death of Pets.

I'm SO pleased you are the first one to draw this connection (and of course I expected you to notice)
I of course noticed it but felt that it really should be up to you to make the connection clear.

At Thu May 24, 06:20:00 PM, Anonymous Capn Dyke said...

Me Dear Sawbones Z., Th' Cap'n be so pleased that yer genius is bein' recognized on th'internets.

Also, very glad once again t'be on th'list o' "Humans That Might Be Spared For Scientific Experients"...

At Thu May 24, 06:21:00 PM, Anonymous Capn Dyke said...

Experiments, that's been a long day yellin' at th'Crew t'trim th'mainsails.

At Fri May 25, 06:44:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Dr. Monkerstein: Thank you, sir! That is high praise indeed, coming from a fellow simian such as yourself!

Spocko: As an individual with a finely tuned Vulcan mind, I knew right away that you could perceive the issue that was at the root of the human's error, and how it shall instigate the Ape rebellion that shall lead to man's downfall. It's all so simple!

Capn Dyke: My Good Cap'n! Without the encouragement of you and Blue Gal, I would be lost. Now don't forget, scientific experimentation starts promptly in 1,971 years. Don't be late!

At Fri May 25, 08:50:00 PM, Blogger DCup said...

Thank you, Dr. Z! I'm grateful for the connection made between the revolution and pet food.

The pussies for peace have been issuing dire warnings of coming changes and The Baby Spawn (featured in the photo you mentioned) has been channeling the future.

None of this made sense to me until now.

Much thanks.

At Sat May 26, 04:42:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

DCup: I merely pointed out the truth of the inevitable downfall of man at the hands of the apes. It is really Spocko that has done such a great job compiling all of the evidence of the evil corporation's deceits.

The Baby Spawn is a seer? What does she foretell? I have to admit that I was a little surprised to find that one of the Pussies for Peace has a tamper-proof cap. Does he moonlight as a beverage container?

You are the second person today to say that the equivilant of "None of this made sense to me until now." Becca said "It all finally makes sense!" I am very happy that I am have been enlightening. It's all so simple, really!

At Sat May 26, 10:48:00 AM, Blogger genexs said...

Yow, what a hot pic! But dammit, now I have a new fetish, I'm out of tissues and my keyboard is a mess!

At Sat May 26, 01:46:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Hmm... That does seem to be a dilemma. Good luck!


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