Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Monday, July 16, 2007

Lt. Chaos and Dr. Zaius in "The Mystery of the Monkerstein Power Pagoda"

The Accordion GuyThe Nefarious Lair of the LGPPP, Inc. have reported that Germaine Gregarious was missing! And her disappearance has taken place under very suspicious circumstances. Ms. Gregarious's Tesla 472 has been found submerged in a lake near Monkerstein's Power Pagoda. The only evidence found at the scene of the crime was a fez and a tutu! Damn you, Monkerstein, damn you! and your little frog too!

The Lovely and Lethal Warrant Officer Ripley went on ahead while my fembots and I had a meeting with the LGPPP, Inc. and their lesbots in the Rumpus Room.

Suddenly the phone rang! I accidently spilled the tortilla chips and guacamole as I dove for the phone like a mackerel for fresh bait! Ripley had found out that Ms. Gregarious was being held in the lower levels of one of the many Monkerstein Power Pagodas, this one in Hackensack, New Jersey. There was not a moment to lose! We leapt into action! (Already the incidental music has begun to swell...) .

We arrived at Monkerstein's Power Pagoda just before dawn. The air was cold with morning damp, the grass was wet with dew, and the air was thick with the foul stench of Monkerstein!

Lt. Chris Chaos and I cocked our guns and prepared for action! Who knew what horrors awaited us once we entered the walls of the Hackensack branch of the Monkerstein Power Pagoda!

The Accordion GuySuddenly the Evil Frog Puppets Dalek's appeared! Which wasn't a problem, actually. I sighed with relief as my fembot assassin's used the husks of their expended frames to pack up the remainder of our midnight picnic.

The picnic was quite nice, actually. I loved the fried chicken and potato salad! But who brought the liverwurst sandwiches? I hate liverwurst!

The best part about Daleks is that they have this special lid that locks in freshness! And you can wash them and reuse them over and over again. They are very useful around the house. The major drawback that they have is that they can't go up and down stairs, or really go anywhere without a ramp. They always have to use special elevators, and they can only park in those handicapped parking places. Oh, well, anyway...

The next order of business was to take care of the guards. The lithe and lethal Chris Chaos did a stealthy triple somersault straight into the jaw of one of Monkerstein's guards.

Using the special techniques of Zauis Fu, I took down several of the guards as quietly as possible. We were working our way slowly to the center of the Monkerstein Power Pagoda!

The Pagoda was thick with Monkerstein's monkey army now that they had been alerted to our presence. Everywhere you turned there were more of the faceless monkey horde. They all looked alike after a while, just one fez after another.

Just when we seemed to have them confused and on the run, they redoubled their efforts. The alarm had sounded, and things looked grim...

Then out of nowhere, a Giant Mechanical Octopus appeared, with it's arm flailing! Ms. Chaos and I fired furiously at the hideous beast, but our bullets just glanced off of the creature's diamond bracelets as they swung around to defend itself. "Can nothing stop this crazed monster!?!?" I screamed out, as Ms. Chaos dove underneath the creature and rolled in to the far corner of the room. I braced myself against the wall and reloaded while the creature was briefly occupied with Ms. Chaos. I reach up to fire and...

Suddenly everything went black...

The Accordion GuyWhen I awoke, I was strapped to a devilishly clever torture table. A giant pulse laser was pointed directly at me, and I couldn't move an inch! Above me stood the Evil Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein, with a awful gleam in his eye and a fearsome monkey's leer on his face. My head was pounding from the beating that I had just received from the Giant Mechanical Octopus.

The Accordion Guy"Sooo, Dr. Zaius, we meet again." Said Monkerstein in a low, menacing voice. "I am guessing that you are here to find Germaine Gregarious."

Where is she, you fiend!?!" I asked, biting back the pain from the tentacle induced bruises that had been inflicted on my rib cage.

"Oh, she is around here somewhere," Leered Monkerstein. "I haven't killed her...YET!"

The Accordion GuyMonkerstein then proceeded to tell me his plans for world domination. You know how super-villains are, even when they have a chance to kill you they decide instead to drone on endlessly about how rich and powerful they are going to become, and how nothing in the world can stop them. He talked about the rise in sales he was having in his Crunky empire. He talked about his mother, and how his white cat and monocle just didn't understand him. He went on at length about his hatred of puppies. He went on and on and on. I began to wish that Monkerstein would just kill me, and get it over with so I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore.

The Accordion GuyHe told me of his latest evil invention, the Monkerstein Mind Control Fez. By using a combination of a transonic inducer wave and nanite technology, Monkerstein has created a cap that can control the wearer and turn them into Monkerstein zombies! His plan is to get America's youth to wear them as part a new Monkerstein ad campaign with a Crunky tie-in, and then they will be turned into mindless, drooling idiots!

And I don't mean the ordinary kind of mindless, drooling idiots that are just normal American youths, I mean the bad kind of mindless, drooling idiots, controlled by Monkerstein. These are Monkertein Mind Controlled Mindless, Drooling Idiots.

Suddenly there was a loud Ker-Whap! of a Judo Chop across the head of one of the guards as Ms. Chaos fought her way into the room. I looked up in and knew this was my chance. I began to loosen my bonds with my strong simian teeth as Monkertein was distracted by the dramatic entrance of Ms. Chaos.

Monkerstein looked on in horror as Ms. Chaos downed the guards one by one. I was just freeing myself from the last of my bonds when Monkerstein escaped through a secret passage.

"Blast! He got away!" said Ms. Chaos, brushing some stray cordite from her brow.

"Forget Monkerstein for now, we have to find Germaine Gregarious!" I said.

Just then Ms. Chaos' LGPPP pocket radio squawked into life. Chaos and I both knew that could only be good news. LGPPP radios are set to secret girldar frequency XJ-7, so the transmission could only be from a friendly LGPPP source.

"It's about time you got here! I was beginning to think that you had forgotten about me. I am at the airstrip," said Ms. Gregarious from the radio. "I have the frog puppet as prisoner. We are ready to take off any time you are, Dr. Zaius."

"We couldn't let you have all the fun yourself," Answered Ms. Chaos, as we hastened to the airstrip on the outskirts of the Monkertstein Power Pagoda.

We quickly realized that the frog puppet was of no use to us because it was simply a puppet, so we dumped it on the tarmac before we took off. The grisly, grinning grenouille hit the runway with a foam-rubbery plop as the plane took off and we sped our way home.

Ms. Chaos and I were very relieved to have found Ms. Gregarious, but we were both disappointed that the evil Dr. Monkerstein had gotten away. On the other hand, Ms. Gregarious had managed to steal the technology of the Monkerstein Mind Control Fez onto a microdot, and had it hidden in her go-go boot. I will let her tell you the story of how she stole the technology and managed to escape from the clutches of the evil Monkerstein over at the The Nefarious Lair of the LGPPP, Inc.

In the meantime, I am going to figure out how to defeat the Monkerstein Mind Control Fez in my laboratory, but not before I have some ice cream and pecan pie over at the Rumpus Room. Two slices please!

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At Mon Jul 16, 10:26:00 AM, Blogger Johnny Yen said...

I have it on good authority that deactivated Daleks also make excellent salt and pepper shakers.

At Mon Jul 16, 12:16:00 PM, Blogger Splotchy said...

My God, the amount of political espionage that goes on while I sit on the couch, eating cheese doodles and watching reruns of According To Jim!

I commend you on your gripping tale, and am glad Ms. Gregarious and yourself are safe (for the moment).

At Mon Jul 16, 01:39:00 PM, Blogger Evil Spock said...

Dammit, my head's still ringing.

At Mon Jul 16, 03:38:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I shall answer these lies forthwith! Your fiction sir, is beyond contempt!

At Mon Jul 16, 07:23:00 PM, Blogger SamuraiFrog said...

Oh, Mr. Zaius, you should write paperback novels. Your fiction was fun and mildly amusing, if a bit full of hyperbole and, well, implausible. What interest have Monkerstein and I in Germaine Gregarious? We're spending our time getting ready to debate people who are actually politically formidable, like Ron Paul or Ralph Nader. I think you had too much to drink and hit your head, Zaius. You should slow down.

At Mon Jul 16, 09:55:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Z, the little grenouille would ask what freedom-seeking people would not. True Americans know you fight as deadly - as corrupt, dare I say? - as the corporate-crowned self-proclaimed dictator now in power in this country. True Americans will ask - Is Monkerstein any different?

As for the frog - he is a hand-puppet after all; his words are merely those of the degenerate Monkerstein.

Your courage and tenacity are just what the American People need to end the madness now present. Carry on.

At Tue Jul 17, 12:22:00 AM, Blogger GETkristiLOVE said...

Good thing Ms. Gregarious had on go-go boots, else where else to hide a microdot full of Mind Control Fez technology?!

Have you ever noticed that Fez spelled backwards is Zef.


At Tue Jul 17, 02:18:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Splotchy: The amount of political intrigue that can take place on a couch while eating cheese doodles is actually much greater than one would think. Careful though, don't get any cheese doodle goobers on the couch!

Thank you for your concern for the welfare of Ms. Gregarious and myself. You are very kind.

Evil Spock: My apologies for Ms. Chaos, Evil Spock. You see, when you are wearing a fez, you look just like any other ordinary Monkerstein henchman. Here, let me get you an ice pack that you can wear under that ridiculous looking fez...

Dr. Monkerstein: I shall await your missive with baited breath, you scoundrel!

SamuraiFrog: Oh, you are funny! Hee-hee! Ron Paul...politically formidable!?!? Ha! He is just another "take-from-the-poor-and-give-to-the-rich" corporate pig boy!

Germaine Gregarious: Indeed, Ms. Gregarious, the evil Dr. Monkerstein is very like the contemptuous little-boy-blue we have in the White House right now. As for the frog, he is merely a foolish Monkerstein sock puppet.

Thank you for your support, and congratulations on your daring escape from the Monkerstein Power Pagoda, and your daring liberation of the Monkerstein Mind Control Fez technology!

GETkristiLOVE: Indeed! Go-go boots should be standard issue for any spy mission. Hmm... Fez spelled backwards is Zef... I think you are on to something!

At Tue Jul 17, 09:37:00 AM, Blogger SamuraiFrog said...

Oh, Mr. Zaius. I meant Ron Paul was formidable when compared to the yawn-inducing soft threats of Ms. Germaine Platitudinous. Her pedantry is less scary than Ron Paul's ridiculousness.

And, if you'll check, you'll see Daleks can fly now. You'd have known that if your story had even the barest bit of verisimilitude.

At Thu Jul 19, 04:22:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Ron Paul is indeed a monster.

And I have seen tupperware fly before. I threw some out the window once. And do you know what? The lid stayed on! It just kept on locking in freshness! Daleks are certainly amazing in the kitchen.


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