Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Election Update for November 14th, 2007 - From a Wide Stance to a Defensive Crouch...

 

Good day, voters! Dr. Zaius here, with your election update for today. My esteemed colleagues and I are just observing Dr. Monkerstein perform a delicate corneal inversion procedure (a multi-opti-pupil-optomy) on one of his campaign workers, a Mr. Jim 'Wash Out' Pfaffenbach... I am not sure that I understand why he is has chosen that particular part of the anatomy as a starting point, though... But in the meantime, the campaign trail is fraught with many hazards and pitfalls, but in the end the eternal quest for power all boils down to one thing... Mindless prattle!


My running mate, Germaine Gregarious, is busy making political hay while the sun shines... Ms. Gregarious threw the most awesome Halloween party ever! After sending out invitations, She decided that she wanted to dress up as a cowgirl for the party, So I decided to go as a rough and tumble cowboy!


Everybody had a swell time at the party. Ms. Gregarious had a costume contest and everything! She even gave out a prize for the best costume.


The presidential candidate iSplotchy has literally sold his soul to the corporate pig boys, with a little help from Fred Thompson and the Bush twins. His campaign attempted to hide this fact by throwing up some diversionary tactics, but in the end, iSplotchy made it clear that he would stoop to just about any low and take money from just about any source that would help him promote his foul agenda. He does seem to have garnered some clout with those in Washington though, as his asking price more than doubled during the negotiations. The sale of iSplotchy's political soul proves once again that the road to the White House is paved with corporate greed and self-serving blocks of cement.


iSplotchy has hired the finest media consultants to advance his campaign message, while offering a meager doodle service instead of any real concessions to the American public. He is pictured above practicing for...


Dr. Smith's Presidential Disco Showdown Challenge! The the event is set to be staged at the dance floor of Big Lucy's All Nite BBQ Grill and Bait Shop on Christmas Eve. (Mark your calendars!) iSplotchy is not the only candidate that has seen getting ready for the event - Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has already been spotted practicing for the Disco Showdown.

While steadfastly working on his next expose of his rival candidates, Dr. Smith claims that he was attacked by a horde of Sinister Sleestak Worshiping Dancing Assassins! Before this attack, Dr. Smith had revealed to the public some rather frightening images that were smuggled from within Sleestak's Hayley Dome Compound.

In a counter to the Religious Right's "wide stance" on evolution, Dr. Smith submits his recent findings based on the groundbreaking work of Professor David Hasselhoff.


Sleestak has been denying rumors about the purpose fo his space platform, as well as coming up with some really long acronyms. (Like "HMCNAGOSP".) Sleestak also laments the draining of his beloved swamplands to slake the insatiable thirst of Homeland Security.


We have a newcomer to the election, Evil Dictator. Despite his being green to the field of politics, Evil Dictator has already shown remarkable insight in his special election report, "The Top 10 things that would be wrong with Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein if he were 'president'..."

Evil Dictator has managed to win an internal election by counting the votes himself. (That sounds awfully familiar...) Dr. Evil also states that Dr. Monkerstein's second attempt third attempt at a running mate is nothing more than another Joe Lieberman playing hockey, has proclaimed his allegiance with the lobbyists at Yoyodyne, and dredges up some old Hollywood memories.


Finding himself embroiled in a scandal, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator attempts to buy the answers to his troubles. Later Jon meets with Hoo the Owl Girl from the snowy north, Watt, Master of Electricity, and Ida Know the Ghost Girl. Jon later has some parking problems, practices for Dr. Smith's Presidential Disco Showdown Challenge, finds a unique way to pick a Halloween costume, gets some strange advice in the Batcave, and for some reason Hudson is wearing tights. Jon later has another presidential dream about FDR.

After leaving the frigid arctic, Jon's running mate, Fluke Starbucker, heads for some surprises in Puerto Rico. Also, Fluke finds that during some routine answers to reader's questions, Ciera tops Jan the Intergalactic Aviator in the sexually charged question department.

Jon's campaign manager, Professor Xavier, describes a dream that he had of Emma Frost and Storm were jello wrestling, Kitty Pryde delivers breakfast dressed in a French maid outfit, proclaims his desire to 'mind-meld' with Emma Frost, discounts the veracity of some recent evidence that implicates Jon, decides to check the evidence for himself, and then fingers the perpetrator.

By the way, Jon has posted some really cute pictures of his kids.


Still working as an undercover lobbyist and hit man for the Yoyodyne weapons contractors, Tony Stark seems to have been too busy to do much else besides get into an argument with Nick Fury and extract an unconvincing testimonial from Jason Todd. Despite this weak showing, Tony Stark does seem to be getting some support from former Monkerstein veteran Samurai Frog, who is presently selling out his home planet to the Martians.


Investigative reporter and blogger extraordinaire Jess Wundren has published a shocking video that blows the lid off of the corruption and villainy of the Monkerstein/Love campaign! It is revealing and important information for all American voters.


BAC over at Yikes! has created an awesome video of Germaine Gregarious' Halloween party! It is videos like this that make YouTube worthwhile. VIVA LA YIKES!


Globetrotting blogging star and reknowned media consultant FranIAm has been keeping busy on the campaign trail, creating videos related to the upcoming election. FranIAm and her blogging buddy Distributorcap report on the Night of the Living Republicans! (My esteemed colleague Dr. Monkerstein also reports from the scene.)

FranIAm discussed her connection to iSplotchy technology, and has created a breakthrough video of iSplotchy practicing for Dr. Smith's upcoming Presidential Disco Showdown Challenge! FranIAm Also captured BAC and yours truly dancing at Germaine Gregarious' Halloween party with previously unseen footage from the Rumpus Room. [ 2 ] BAC and I dance divinely, don't you think?


Dr. Monkerstein has received an amazing reception at his most recent political gatherings, garnering reactions from the public that no one in the media had expected...


And in the meantime, Dr. Monkerstein has retired to his lavish Hollywood retreat to contemplate his domestic policies. ("A little to the left, dear. I believe that you have missed a spot...")


After receiving a restraining order from his former running mate, Laurie David, Dr. Monkerstein's campaign office released a statement denying all charges, Then used his mind control fez technology to force convince Naomi Klein to give a "softball" political announcement about his latest victim newest running mate, GETkristiLOVE of Two Minutes In The Box.


This is the second time that Dr. Monkerstein's campaign has been tainted by a restraining order. Monkerstein's campaign has been trying to play down the incident by using internet technology to get others to speak for him, capitalizing on his photo opportunities with movies stars and rubbing shoulders with the Hollywood elite. My running mate, Germaine Gregarious, was the first to notice the unusual and deadly pattern of disappearances of Dr. Monkerstein's vice presidents.

Dr. Monkerstein has also been attempting to curry favor with the Zaius/Gregarious campaign by presenting me with a blogging award! (Actually, thank you very much, Dr. Monkerstein. You are very kind.) Dr. Monkerstein has also created treasure trove of Monkerstein goodness with his new addition to his bog, Dr. Monkey's Cool Flickr Pix! Way to go, Monkeyman! And Happy Birthday to you, as well.

By the way, and there is absolutely no truth to the naked photoshopped images and scurrilous lies that the Monkerstein campaign has been disseminating to the public about me. The orangutan in that photo does not even look like a time traveling simian world leader from the future! Charlton Heston will vouch for me on this. (It looks more like one of Rudy Giuliani's many ex-wives, if you ask me.)


Meanwhile, I have been hard at work defending America from the evil forces from within our very own borders and the ever present threats that loom from across our shining shores, stamping out the oppression of the main stream media and protecting the sanctity of our way of life!

Using only my wits and the fruits of America's untainted meat industry, I defended the country from the foul and unholy Monkpire that was residing at Professor Xavier's Haunted House. I also exposed the fall of yet another candidate into the retched lies and deceit of Corporate America, and dug up the YouTube-i-ness truth about Sleestak and Dr. Smith.


Also, using recently captured data from the Monkerstein Power Pagoda, I revealed to the world Dr. Monkerstein's Fiendish Plot to Destroy the World! Well, that's all for now, but you can also catch up on your political reading by reviewing the previous Election Update. This is Dr. Zaius signing off, reminding you that voters are really only left with one sound choice in the upcoming presidential election...

Zaius/Gregarious in '08!


Melodious boredom
UPDATE: Randal Graves of L'ennui mélodieux has written a swell political post about Third-party endorsements that I completely missed. Check it out! (My apologies to Randal for overlooking this important post.) Vive La France! Viva La Revolucion! Viva La Sandra Lou!
 

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18 Comments:

At Wed Nov 14, 09:29:00 AM, Blogger Randal Graves said...

Holy fuck. This is hilarious and your photoshop kung-fu knows all the moves.

 
At Wed Nov 14, 03:30:00 PM, Blogger Splotchy said...

dr z, a nice summary of the ongoing campaign, excepting the fact that you have not acknowledged the supremacy of the iSplotchy.

In due time, in due time.

 
At Wed Nov 14, 05:03:00 PM, Blogger Liberality said...

Dear Dr.,

So why should I vote for you Dr. Zaius? What is in it for me?

yours sincerely,
Liberality

 
At Wed Nov 14, 06:45:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

As usual you twist the truth as you damn me with your faint praise. You really should praise me more and faint less. As for your truth twisting, I know an old orangutan can't learn new tricks.

 
At Wed Nov 14, 07:12:00 PM, Anonymous Dr. Smith said...

Liberality asked: "So why should I vote for you Dr. Zaius? What is in it for me? "

The undying gratitude of the furries?

 
At Wed Nov 14, 07:24:00 PM, Blogger Distributorcap said...

i think germaine is really marilyn monroe and she will be your happy birthday girl at the white house

way to pander for votes!
8-)

 
At Wed Nov 14, 09:53:00 PM, Blogger Freida Bee said...

Gaaww, I just saw BAC's awesome video. Thanks for the recap. Some of us need to be spoonfed.

BTW- Did you design this week's cover of Newsweek?

Just checkin'.

 
At Wed Nov 14, 10:29:00 PM, Blogger FranIAm said...

My my my... such in depth and comprehensive reporting here!!

And more linky love than a girl like me can take all at once.

I am swooning.

 
At Thu Nov 15, 06:41:00 AM, Blogger Randal Graves said...

You had me at Sandra Lou. Wait. That was the last sentence. Damn you, public edumacation!

 
At Thu Nov 15, 07:06:00 AM, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Should all campaigns be this messy?

Remember kids, the most important thing is that you get out and vote.

 
At Thu Nov 15, 12:27:00 PM, Blogger Fade said...

... jiminy shitcrickets... I'll have to scrap my ratings again in light of this new Blog masterpiece.. 1971 years is too long...

 
At Thu Nov 15, 05:19:00 PM, Blogger FranIAm said...

BTW - thanks for the "Zaius Diet" - I have never looked better.

(I have never looked like that!)

 
At Thu Nov 15, 07:26:00 PM, Blogger GETkristiLOVE said...

When someone coined the phrase, "third time's the charm" -they were referring to me as Veep with Dr. Monkey!

You can bet your sweet, orange, hairy ass on that Dr. Zaius.

 
At Thu Nov 15, 08:09:00 PM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

Randal Graves: Thank you, sir! Photoshop fu is a simian specialty.

Splotchy: The supremacy of the iSplotchy? I believe that you have had one too many of those shrimp cocktails paid for by corporate lobbyists, sir!

Liberality: You should not ask what Dr. Zaius can do for you, but what Dr. Zaius can do for your country!

Dr. Monkerstein: The only old tricks and truth twisting taking place in this election are coming from the Monkerstein campaign, sir. Good day sir. Good day.

Dr. Smith: I offer far more than furry gratitude, sir. I offer furry government and fuzzy logic!

Distributorcap: Every day is a happy birthday with Germain Gregarious! She will brighten the White House as much as Dick Cheney darkens it! She is the anti-Cheney!

Freida Bee: Being spoonfed is my favorite pastime! BTW, do you mean this Newsweek cover?

FranIAm: You did some wonderful reporting on the election, FranIAm. Keep up the good work!

Randal Graves: Sandra Lou is retro-hot-pink and fluorescent yellow delicious! Ooo-la-la! She is also the official spokesperson for the Zaius/Gregarious campaign.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Look out! I think somebody has put a banana in the Danger Sled's tailpipe!

Fade: That's right! Why wait for centuries for a simian leader when you can have one RIGHT NOW?

FranIAm: It's Dr. Zaius' patented Fembot Assassin Diet!

GETkristiLOVE: I think that Germaine Gregarious hit the nail on the head - "third time's the charm" is just the kind of thing a Spinal Tap drummer might say. And quit looking at my ass. ;o)

 
At Thu Nov 15, 08:52:00 PM, Blogger BAC said...

Dr. Z ... my tired brain can't absorb all this. But I do have one question ... can someone get me Fran's phone number ... YIKES, what a babe!


BAC

 
At Thu Nov 15, 08:59:00 PM, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

"Look out! I think somebody has put a banana in the Danger Sled's tailpipe!"

lol

 
At Fri Nov 16, 11:24:00 AM, Blogger Freida Bee said...

Yes, that is the one.... I KNEW it!!

 
At Sun Nov 18, 08:54:00 AM, Blogger Dr. Zaius said...

BAC: Alas, no. I cannot provide her phone number. But her URL is http://festinalente-franiam.blogspot.com!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: It wasn't me!

Freida Bee: You have a most discerning eye, Freida Bee.

 

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