Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

(My good friend George sent me this.)

October Ritual

It's Halloween night. Yes, it's finally here.

I've bought all the candy – twice as much as last year.

I have Hershey and Nestle and Tootsie Roll Pops,

Marshmallow pumpkins, black and orange gum drops,

Snickers, and Reese's, M&Ms, Milky Ways,

Baby Ruth, Butterfinger, taffy, Pay Days,

Candy corn, Almond Joys, Good ‘n' Plenty, and Mounds,

Skittles and Kit Kats, Cracker Jack by the pounds.

There are Three Musketeers, Junior Mints that I'll freeze.

I've splurged on Godiva and boxes of See's.

Yes now I am ready; I've spared no expense.

So let's get things started. Let the evening commence.

Though the street will be crowded with children galore,

I'm not turning the light on. I won't answer the door.

That shouldn't surprise you; it's clear, don't you see?

For all of the candy's for me – just for me!

© 2011 George Bereschik

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Awesome Facebook Pictures (Halloween Edition)


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Sunday, October 16, 2011

The Zaius Nation Guide to Feeding Your Cat

I think that the best method for feeding your cat is to buy it in bulk, and then arrange it in your cabinet categorized by flavor. If you feed your cat each can sequentially, you know that you are feeding him or her a delicious treat that they haven't had for several days. This takes all of the guesswork out of which can to feed your cat next. Cat food problem solved!

Of course, one must first make a careful study of which kinds of food your cat likes to eat. This can only be accomplished by a painstaking process of trial and error, but I definitely think that the results are worth it. Here is the findings of my own detailed study of the eating habits of my cat, Captain Nemo:

My Cat's Favorite Foods: A Detailed Analysis


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Recent Customer Service Changes in the Banking Industry



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This Month's Collection of Awesome Facebook pictures



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Thursday, October 06, 2011

Sarah Palin Quits Before She Starts! ("Only Dead Fish Go With the Flow, Don't Cha Know.")


...At least she still has her has her job at FOX News to fall back on!

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Steve Jobs
(02/24/1955 - 10/05/2011)

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Due To a Recent Turn of Events, I Have Decided to Join the Suffragette Movement!

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No time for blogging today! I'm finally back at work, working half days for the time being. It still hurts when I stand up or walk for more than a few minutes though, and I still have problems if I sit upright for more than a few hours. I start getting these pains in my left Oreo Double Stuff Mint Chocolate Cookie and other related unmentionable regions.

But that's not all! a couple of weeks ago I contracted a horrible rash that goes from my left thigh to my right thigh and covers everything in between, which the doctor diagnosed as a yeast infection caused by the veritable Smorgasbord of antibiotics I have been taking. (For this condition the doctor has prescribed a little pink pill to go with my vast, newly acquired collection of pharmaceutical products. Also, the nurse has recommended that I apply liberal doses of Monistat 7 twice daily.)

Using my vast medical acumen to diagnose my own recent condition, I have determined that I am turning into a woman! Ack! Just look at the facts of the case:

  • Due to the open wound left by my recent surgery, every day I find blood in my underpants.

  • I have a yeast infection in my rough and tumblies. For this infection I have been applying Monistat 7 at the direction of the nurse. (I got some funny looks at the drugstore where I bought it, I must say.)

  • Because I have been taking so many different kind of antibiotics that are destroying all of my intestinal flora and fauna that I use to digest food, my doctor says that I have to eat yogurt three times a day. (Yogurt! **Shudder**)

  • I am taking little pink pills for my rash.

  • they have put a bathroom scale in the bathroom at work, so I am now constantly obsessing about my weight every time I see it. (I have actually lost 20 pounds! I am sure that I will find it around here somewhere, I fear...)

I have resolved myself to embrace this recent turn of events. Being a lady is an attitude! I am woman! I am invincible! I am getting rather tired of these ongoing medical issues, however...

Monistat 7


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