Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Monday, August 31, 2009

The Bride of Frankenstein Scare Tactics


probably the best metaphor for the scare tactics that have been drummed up by the whole "birther", "deather", "tenther" and "teabagger" crowds can be found in these stunts pulled off by theaters that followed Universal's Exhibitor's Campaign Book for The Bride of Frankenstein (1935).

Universal's Exhibitor's Campaign Book for The Bride of Frankenstein (1935) suggests a number of "stunts" to pull in the crowds. Here, a giveaway set of teeth, either a rubber novelty item or flavored wax candy, to replace any you'd "swallow in excitement seeing the super-shocker". Another envelope contained candles to light your way home with, in case the movie made you afraid of the dark. Frankensteinia

For the enterprising exhibitor, the gag handouts could be rolled into an elaborate lobby display, the "First Aid Lobby Booth Stunt", providing "everything necessary for the audience who suffer 'thrill-shock' when seeing THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN". The booth should be "painted white, with the cross in red to make it as realistic as possible". Items, "all easily obtainable", included hair straightener and hair dye, spirits of ammonia, gum and cigarettes. Universal would recycle this stunt as the "First-Aid For Shock Booth" in the mid-40s for its House of Frankenstein and House of Dracula monster rallies, calling it "a time-honored stunt… should be taken from your files and dusted off."

The Bride Campaign Book also suggested having a trained nurse in attendance, although I suspect a costumed usherette would do just fine. She should walk up and down the aisle while the movie played, "to enhance the shock-angle".
Parking an ambulance out front was recommended as a natural "follow through" on the Booth and Nurse gags. "Banner this with catch lines and drive it around town for a ballyhoo. This is the money angle, experience has proven!"
The nurse and ambulance gags were longtime stunt staples for fright and suspense films. An ambulance out front was suggested for Frankenstein in 1931, and the gag was still being used in 1973 when The Exorcist was released. Frankensteinia

Classic movie ballyhoo was corny and a lot of fun. It survives today in the form of mass-produced die-cut lobby displays, high-priced Super Bowl ads and corporate tie-in Happy Meals. A lot slicker, much more sophisticated, but not as charming as the Old School stuff. Via Frankensteinia, Images via Max.

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Animated Typography Video of Jonathan Coulton's Song "Still Alive"

No time for blogging today! I am busy being an American Super Spy on a mission to single-handedly save the country from falling prey to an evil plot of a thinly veiled caricature of a liberal despot using only my cinematically implied conservative values, my seductive simian charms, a pocketful of poison gas pellets and a magically endless supply of ammunition. (By applying some fictitious fears and zippy xenophobia, we can keep the cold war hot hot hot!) In the meantime you can watch this swell animated typography video of Jonathan Coulton's song "Still Alive". (The hardest part of being a larger than life Simian Super Spy is thinking up those really bad "off-the-cuff" puns to be said upon killing an evil henchman or being introduced to a beautiful woman.)

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Free Money With Kevin Trudeau

The economy is in such a mess that I think that we need new financial leadership. I nominate Kevin Trudeau! (His name is French, you know.) [ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ] He offers what this country really needs - free money! This man has such considerable financial acumen that I think that he could make a legitmate competitive run for congress. I imagine that he would do well in Alaska, or even in the southern states - if he can get his "Jesus" on.

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

Zombie Nation

according to a recent study done by Canadian researchers, America has been overrun by zombies - and there is little hope for the future of the country! [ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ] These hordes of zombies have split into two factions, and the poisonous bite of either zombie group will cause the zombie's victim to become a zombie as well. Given this fateful choice between the two zombie splinter groups, citizens will have to make the choice as to which kind of zombie that they would prefer to plan their zombie future with...

Either the vociferous "Teabagger" Zombies...


...or the yummy Obamalicious Zombies...

You decide.

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I Have Always Loved Women For Their Brains

Let me take a moment to dispel a couple of misconceptions about myself: I am an orangutan, not a man - and I have always loved women for their brains.

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Make Up Your Mind


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Infomercial for the Colgate Wisp

No time for blogging today! I am too busy looking wistfully at my imaginary future soulmate whom I shall never actually get to meet. In the meantime, you can watch this swell infomercial for the Colgate Wisp. (Mmm... Silver dollar pancakes!)


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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I Would Like to Thank the Academy...


I would like to thank Liberality for awarding me the coveted Honest Weblog Award! I am afraid that I have been remiss in my blog meme duties as of late, and I intend to start making up for that in the coming weeks. (I haven't forgotten about Splotchy's story meme, Liberality.)

Honest Weblog Award

The rules for this fine award are:

1. You must brag about the award

2. You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger

3. You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design

4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.

5. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself.

Then pass it on with the instructions!

In alphetbeitcal order, the Chosen Seven are:

1. Darius Whiteplume of Adventures in Nerdliness
2. Distributorcap of Distributorcap NY
3. OKJimm of OKJimm's Eggroll Emporium
4. Seeing Eye Chick of Apocalyptics Anonymous II
5. Utah Savage of Utah Savage
6. A whole bunch of people at The Wulfshead
7. Zirgar of Zirgar's Fresh New Brain Squeezin's!

(These are just a few of the fine blogs that are worthy of an award, and I shall endevour to catch up on some of my past-due-award-handing-out-duties in the near future.)

And now for the 10 honest things:

1. I rarely eat seafood, with the exception of tuna fish and those little Pepperidge Farm's Goldfish Crackers.

2. When I get around to it, I have been known to procrastinate.

3. Although Dream Girl is supposed to be the prettiest girl in the Legion of Superheroes, I've always had a crush on Saturn Girl.

4. I am fully aware of the importance of goggles when fighting monsters from outer space.

5. I don't really understand matadors. I would much rather eat pot roast than argue with it.

8. I think that cheeseburgers are way better than plain old hamburgers.

7. As much as I like this picture, I would like it even more if there was a larger serving of ice cream. (And maybe even some cake.) I think that it's just awful that models and actresses feel compelled to practically starve themselves with such small dessert portions.

8. Although I am curious, I have absolutely no idea what is in this specimen jar.

9. I think that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are one of the four basic food groups.

        and finally...

10. Did I ever tell you that my cat is awesome? My cat is awesome!


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Senator Ted Kennedy dead at 77

1932 – 2009

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Friday, August 21, 2009

We Must Save Hitler's Brain!


I have been watching ths whole healthcare reform debacle on my mainstream media box, and I think that I am finally begining to understand this whole "teabagger" debate. You see, back in 1945 the Nazis realized that they were losing the war and decided that they must save Hitler's brain...

So the Nazi's carefully cryogenically preserved the Führer's brain to carry out their nefarious deeds in the future...

...And then during the 2008 Presidential Election the Nazi-Socialist Democrats resurrected Hitler's brain, and reanimated their army of Nazi-Socialist robots that had been hidden since World War II inside of an acorn. (I am still not sure that I understand how they managed to hide a whole army of Nazi-Socialist robots inside of an acorn, however. I'll have to get back to you on that part.)

Hitler (Now called Obama) and his army of Nazi-Socialist robots stole the presidential election...

and proceeded to destroy American Healthcare insurance companies.

Hitler-Obama's evil plan is to use his control over the American government to take control the American government! (I'm still not sure that I understand that part, either...)

The American people are shocked to learn that Hitler-Obama plans to kill all of the old people as well as Former Governor Palin's baby...

...And sell their organs on the open market.

And the only person that can save the country is Dick Armey and his totally and completely grassroots organization of brave insurance lobbyists and their scrappy, rag-tag band of town hall enthusiasts. As near as I can tell, that's what's going on.

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Ben Grimm Takes on the Insurance Industry

Via Sleestak's good friend, Bully.

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Holy Crap! Under the New Healthcare Reform, Insurance Rates May Go Up 15%!

No time for blogging today! I'm far to busy gambling for the highest stakes possible, my life! You haven't lived until you spend an evening playing high stakes Go Fish in a gambling den filled with stale smoke and sweaty rich people. (Waitress! Another chocolate malted, please.)

Amercan casinos are allowed to make 17-20% in profit, which is about the same amount that insurance companies make off of every patient in premiums. Last night on Keith Olbermann's nifty little variety show I found out that right now the senate is debating whether or not to make Americans pick up as much as 35% of your bills from medical providers. (Thanks, Senator Max Baucus! I'm so glad that we are being screwed by Democrats instead of Republicans for once.)

I have thus decided that it is in my best financial interests to have my local casino perform my upcoming cataract/hip-replacement/gall bladder surgery, as clearly they are offering better rates. (I am not sure that I trust the casinos surgeons as much as those one might find in a hospital - but on the other hand, they do serve these delightful and colorful drinks with those nifty little umbrellas!) And then when I am recovering from my maelstrom of maladies, I'm gonna be one saucy simian in my new haute couture Hovearound®. (Beep beep! Get out of the way!)

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Childhood's End


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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Don't Just Write To Your Congress Human, Write To All of the Congress Humans!


I am rather upset at this latest turn of events regarding healthcare reform. As much as I enjoy delicious waffles for breakfast, I find that the smell of waffling that is happening on my Mainstream Media Box that is being done by the President and the Democratic members of the senate has put me off my breakfast! (Well, not entirely. I guess I could eat a little toast... And maybe some eggs and a bit of bacon. Is there any orange juice?)

I knew right away that I must do something about this foul set of circumstances, and I also wanted to find a list of which senators were not supporting a public option for healthcare reform so that I might apply some persuasion upon these misguided souls.

Using the mystical internet tubes, I found a website from some fellow named Howard Dean. (He's a doctor, just like me!) I was delighted to find that his website has a complete list of senators and their positions on the important issue of public option for healthcare reform.

This Howard Dean fellow (I just know that I have heard his name somewhere before) says that we should all write to our own personal congress human. He supplies these valuable letter writing tips:

Letter Writing Tips
Write a short note in your own words on why you support a public healthcare option:

* A public healthcare option is crucial to controlling costs, the heart of the healthcare crisis.
* A public healthcare option will keep private insurance honest.

Then ask your Senators these four questions:

* Do you support a public healthcare option as part of reform?

* Do you support a public healthcare option that is ready on day one?

* Do you support a public healthcare option that is national, available everywhere, and accountable to our government?

* Do you support a public healthcare option that has the clout to establish rates with providers and big drug companies?

Conclude by reminding your Senators that you are a constituent, and you expect answers to these questions in writing, via email.

I was delighted to find that my own congress human has already shown support for the public option for healthcare reform. Thus I wrote a brief note to express my feelings towards their decision to show their support on this very important issue:


Thank you for supporting a public option for healthcare reform! :o)

I found that I did not feel that I had done enough to express my feelings on the subject however, and I felt further compelled to speak to all of the Democratic senators that were in that dreaded category of "waffler."

I then compiled a list based on those names listed on Dr. Dean's website, and sent the following missive to each and every name on the list of Democrats that still say "I don't know" or "no" regarding a public option for healthcare reform:

Subject: Don't be a knucklehead mcspazatron, Senator!

Dear Senator,

Why haven't you thrown your full support behind a public option for healthcare reform?

If Barack Obama's healthcare plan gets changed to exclude a public option, then it is not really healthcare reform. Get on the ball, Senator! Don't be a knucklehead mcspazatron. Vote your full support for a public option for healthcare reform!

I strongly urge every one of you to write to your own congress human, as well as sending a note to all of those other "wafflers" as well. It's easy to do. Just write up a letter and a page with your contact info, and then copy and paste each item into each of the corresponding boxes of the email-form-thingie that you must fill out on each of senator's websites. (Only three of them had actual email addresses.) We must have a public option for healthcare reform! (I think that I am going to write to the Republicans next...)


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The Changing Face of Politics

I know where they went...


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Friday, August 14, 2009

Obama Gang Signs

Obama Gang Signs
Well, at least he made the trains run on time... Before he invaded Poland!

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Exclusive Footage of Sarah Palin's 'Death Panel'

No time for blogging today! I am too busy watching exclusive footage of Sarah Palin's 'Death Panel'. and click here to watch the mainstream media makin' stuff up about her!


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Irony of the Week

"Did you hear the one about the conservative activist who claims he was beaten up by union thugs in St. Louis while protesting against healthcare reform? He is now accepting donations towards his medical care because he was laid off recently and... has no health insurance."

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What Day is It Tomorrow?

AAAAH! You said the secret word!

Captain Nemo
Captain Nemo thinks that's funny.


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It's about time...

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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

In Politics, a Little Misinformation Goes a Long Way

Yay! After President Obama pulls the plug on Grandma and Grandpa, he's gonna go after Sarah Palin's baby! I'm finally proud to be an American again. [ 1, 2 ]

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The Sylvia Plath Easy-Bake Oven®

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am."

ZAIUS NATION MEME ALERT UPDATE: Ha! Driftglass and Tengrain made their own versions of this as well! :o)

ZAIUS NATION MEME ALERT UPDATE II: Ha! Freida Bee has made her own version of this as well! :o)


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For those teabaggers that continue to complain about their message being ignored should be reminded of the Bush Administration's Free Speech Zones.

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Knight to C3, Checkmate!

My sister and I play chess via email by sending a MS Word file back and forth. Knight to C3, Checkmate!

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Sunday, August 09, 2009

McCain Figures Out That Obama's Healthcare Plan has Negative Implications For Him

Michele Bachmann

Sarah Palin

John McCain

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