Minister of Science and Chief Protector of the Faith

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I'm Playing Hookey Today!

I have a written excuse from Blue Gal.

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

John McCain Has a New Bus Driver - Rev. Jeremiah Wright!

John McCain has a new bus driver - Rev. Wright!

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Monday, April 28, 2008

The Fine Art of Poisoning

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I are busy going door-to-door delivering free neckties to our political rivals. (Comfy? Not too tight? Good!) In the meantime, you can watch this swell music video of Jill Tracy singing, "The Fine Art of Poisoning", via Randal at L'ennui mélodieux. ('I have always adored bergamot tea... A friend to the bitter end! Or so they say...')

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The Venn Diagram of Blogs


This is a Zaius Nation Reprint.

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Superman Doesn't Like Working at the Charity Kissing Booth


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Saturday, April 26, 2008

Who's Got What



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Friday, April 25, 2008

The Moving Goalpost Syndrome

You must admit that...
The speed at which the White House goal posts move is quite impressive, but...

Hillary Clinton's ever-changing election goal posts are rocket powered!

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'Doc' Zaius and the Mexicali Tumbleweeds

No time for blogging today! I'm too busy jingle-jangle-jinglin' my sassy new simian spurs! (Watch your step, you low down, mangy, horse thievin' varmit! I'm here to kick ass and chew gum, and I'm all out of gum.) In the meantime, you can watch this swell video of Jayne Russell, Bob Hope and Roy Rogers singing the song, "Buttons and Bows" [ 2 ] from the film, "Son of Paleface". (What's that you say? This is a 'spaghetti' western? Mmm... Two helpings with extra meatballs, please!)


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Nancy Pelosi is So Liberal That it Makes Neil Cavuto Cry Like a Little Girl

Speaker Pelosi was on Larry King last night, renewing my faith in the Democratic Party to a degree. **sigh**


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Brought to You by the Rich Vivid Colors of Our Very Own Failed Foreign Policies

To prevent this...

We need more of this...

And less of this.

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Four Dunderheads of the Apocalypse

I can't even make jokes about this stuff...

I was not too disappointed when I heard that the first lady appeared as an anchor of the network morning show "Today" for an hour. First Ladies are supposed to do that sort of thing, I guess...

...But I must admit that I was quite shocked to hear that all three candidates for President of the United States appeared on a wrestling program, "WWE Raw". Hillary Clinton: "You need a president who will go to the mat with you"; Obama: "Do you smell what Barack is cooking?"; and McCain: "Whatcha gonna do when John McCain and all his McCain-iacs run wild on you?"

But I was absolutely floored when I heard that President Bush appeared on the game show "Deal or No Deal". Bush said, "How'd you like to host a three-trillion dollar Deal or No Deal?" I'm not really sure that it is an appropriate time for the president to make light of our country's financial woes...

For those that might not remember, the host of the game show is comedian Howie Mandel, who is famous for this gag:

"Mandel's signature stunt as a stand-up comedian was stretching a latex glove over his head and inflating it with his nostrils, filling it until it suddenly propelled itself off of his head." Wikipedia

I have nothing against Howie Mandel, I always thought that he was pretty funny in his day, but I cannot believe that the President of the United States went on to a television game show hosted by a man who used to propel latex gloves off of his head with his nostrils.

I just can't believe it.

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Robot Chicken

Star Trek: No Power
She Ra's Aunt Flo
Reverse Villians
Horton Hears a Jew!
The Lion, the Witch & the Locker
Mr. Potoato Head's Morning Routine
Jesus Gets Beat Up
No Place Like Home
Raiders of the Lost Garden

Best TV show ever.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Dick Cheney Shares His Unique Perspective On Recent Election News


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Sheer Genius!


What has gotten less wrinkly as the years go by? Nylons! The technology just keep getting better and better! According to this link, nylons are 70 years old this year.

I couldn't find a reference for this story, but an older British woman that I worked with told me that when she was a young girl in World War II, she couldn't buy stockings because all of the available nylon and silk was being used for parachutes. She and her friends used to put special "stocking make up" on their legs and then get a friend to draw a "seam" up the back of their legs with an eyebrow pencil to simulate the seams on stockings.

She said that some girls were better at drawing the seam than others, and it was important to have a friend that was good at this. Girls that could draw a good, straight seam enjoyed a certain degree of popularity among their peers because of this ability. (She was a budding young artist at the time, so of course she was very good at it. But of course you can't draw seams on your own legs - anymore than you can give yourself a haircut.)

She said that it was amusing when a girl entered the dance hall with a poorly drawn seam on her legs. All of the other girls would laugh behind a girl's back if she had the misfortune of having a "seam" that wasn't drawn straight. (Kind of like having a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe.) There is always room for peer pressure and social one-upmanship - even in wartime! The History of Nylons

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The Best Britney Spears Parody EVER!

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I are busy getting ready for the floor show. (Five minutes, Ms. Gregarious!) In the meantime, you can watch this swell video of Saoirse Ronan singing the best Britney Spears parody EVER, "Oops, I've Done a Career". I also have a video of her singing a song about modern diet tips for young girls, "Moronic". [ 2 ] (Ack! When I said "break a leg", Ms. Gregarious, I didn't mean the stage manager's leg!)

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy Earth Day!

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I are busy celebrating Earth Day with a bang! (Cowabunga! let's have a wienie roast!) In the meantime, you can watch this swell wildlife video that is Furry, French & Naughty. (Jeepers! This video is probably not suitable for work!)

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I have noticed that there is an ongoing competition amongst bloggers to get the highest rating on the CUSS-O-METER. This reminds me of a local bar in California that bought and installed a breathometer (alcohol breath tester) in the bar so that patrons could use it to determine if they were too drunk to drive. They quickly removed the device because the patrons were instead using the breathometer to see who could drink the most and blow the highest score!

I almost never use swear words in writing. It is not a matter of my being a prude, more a matter of brevity and trying to find the actual humor of a turn of a phrase. For me it is usually a lot funnier to say something "blue" in a roundabout euphamism or with blatantly silly inuendo. I have nothing against other bloggers using them, and some authors use them is such a creative and forceful way that you could describe their writing as genius.

Unless the swear word is used specifically as a noun, the meaning of a swear word is almost invariably "very." Usually swearing is merely used as emphasis, even when it used as a noun.

Rarely is a swear word really needed to make a statement funny. If a phrase is not very funny without a swear word, was it really very funny in the first place?

Pictures are a lot more fun for me than words, anyways.

A far greater sin than swearing in my opinion is the use of really long paragraphs. It makes the process of reading far more difficult, and appears to the reader that the author did not take them time to properly display their words. Breaking up text into paragraphs is done to make the reading easier to digest visually. It is far easier to follow a story when it is broken up into paragraphs.

(I first wrote about this in the comments of a really great post by Blue Gal on the subject.)

By the way, your CUSS-O-METER rating is also based on the words used by those that comment on your blog, apparently. If you want to increase your rating, you could ask your commenters to cuss more. A low CUSS-O-METER rating could even be the result of a significant amount of comments that have no cussing in them!

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Monday, April 21, 2008

The Changing of the Guard

McCain/Bush - Passing on the torch of Republican leadership.

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It's Dr. Monkerstein's Blogoversary!


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Drimble Wedge & The Vegetation!

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I are preparing for our visit with this season's most popular round-the-clock television news program, The Pope! (The proper costume is very important, of course - We're looking for a sugar-encrusted halo that is sweet-tooth enough to match Ms. Greagarious' winsome personality!) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of the musical stylings of Drimble Wedge & The Vegetation [ 2 ] from the 1967 film "Bedazzled". Also the famous post-box scene that's explains God's place in the universe. (Jeepers! I'm sort of jealous - as the supreme religious leader of Ape City, I never got to wear a great big pointy hat!)

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Star Wars Muppets


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Friday, April 18, 2008

Debate and Switch

Guess who isn't wearing a flag pin?

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Strive For the Point of Ultimate Contrition


In response to Blue Gal's recent post with advice for bloggers, I submit this Paula Scher diagram of the verbal jousting in the life cycle of a blog thread.

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Thursday, April 17, 2008

The Partridge Family Solves the Iraq War

Click here to read "The Partridge Family Solves the Iraq War".

(This is a Zaius Nation reprint.)

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