I was perusing a recent article, "States With the Most Couch Potatoes," and I was shocked to find that my own state was not amongst those five that were deemed the most physically inactive. According to the article, the least physically active states are Tennessee, Louisiana, Mississippi, Kentucky, Alabama, and North Carolina.
I knew that my state is literally lousy with loafing, lethargic layabouts - but how could I prove it? I quickly rifled through the article's source material, State Indicator Report on Physical Activity - and upon reading the graph on page 14, my heart sank as I realized that my own state fell just about dead center in the category of physically active adults. I knew this couldn't be right. I felt that a great injustice had been done by this article!
And then I found the author's oversight... The source that the article cited lists more than one category of lazy, languid loafing! Whereas my state surprisingly seems almost halfway energetic in the category of physically active adults, we almost make it to the top 10 in the category of people that have no leisure-time physical activity! And that's a category that I can wholeheartedly say that I support 100%. Sometimes I am so inert, torpid and full of chocolate that I veritably hover between blindly stuporous and a persistant vegetative state!
"You are a true believer. Blessings of the state, blessings of the masses. Thou art a subject of the divine. Created in the image of man, by the masses, for the masses. Let us be thankful we have commerce. Buy more. Buy more now. Buy more... and be happy."
Dr. Zira, I must caution you. Experimental brain surgery on these creatures is one thing, and I'm all in favor of it. But to suggest that we can learn anything about the simian nature from a study of man is sheer nonsense. Man is a menace, a walking pestilence. He eats up his food supply in the forest, then migrates to our green belts and ravages our crops. The sooner he is exterminated, the better. It's a question of simian survival.