The Discovery Channel
, in association with Cyrus Nowrasteh Productions
have announced an upcoming documentary directed by James Cameron, the man behind the box-office hit "Titanic." The documentary will unveil the discovery of the lost tomb of Jesus.
The 2,000-year-old limestone coffins, or ossuaries, at the burial site, which was uncovered 27 years ago by Israeli construction workers, are those of Jesus, a son named Judah, and Mary Magdalene.
Homeland Security's DNA analysis of remains found at the burial site confirm that the DNA is indeed that of Jesus.
"The sample that we were presented was indeed DNA," said Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff. "So it absolutely must be true."
"The tomb is in the right country, there is writing on the tomb, and there are bodies in the tomb." Said James Cameron. "This is a slam dunk!"
The first of the ossuaries' inscriptions, written in Aramaic, reads, "Yeshua bar Yosef," or "Jesus son of Joseph." The second, in Hebrew, reads, "Maria." The third, in Hebrew, reads, "Matia," or "Matthew."
Cryptically, the fourth inscription, in Hebrew, reads, "Party On, Garth," possibly a reference to an early Public Access TV show, "...or some kids might have gotten a hold of a time machine from the future, or something." Said Cameron.
The Documentary, which will air next month, has one more surprise in store for us. The climax of the story is that 27 years ago, when the tomb was first found, DNA samples were brought to billionaire John Hammond (founder and CEO of International Genetic Technologies), who has cloned Jesus and his family members at Jurassic Park, an amusement facility that features live dinosaurs that will soon be open to the public.
The cloned Jesus, nicknamed "Test Tube Jesus," has been living at the facility for the last 27 years.
"He feels right at home here," said bible scholar and paleobotanist graduate student Ellie Sattler. "When Jesus was growing up, there were dinosaurs all around."
"That's right, it says so in the scriptures," said her colleague paleontologist and GOP stratagist Alan Grant.
For now the cloned Jesus is being kept under wraps until the airing of the documentary. Test Tube Jesus will narrate the documentary, and will later be interviewed on Larry King Live directly after the documentary ends. He is also slated to speak at the GOP convention to be held in Twin Cities, Minnesota in 2008.