Zaius Nation - Some Apes Are More Equal Than Others

The Girl Scout Guide to Islamo-Fascist Lesbian Sex (With Pictures!)

All Girl Man-Hating Club Full of Pro-Abortion Lesbians and Atheists! 1. Junior Lesbian Tab 2. Islamo-Fascist Trefoil Pin 3. Atheist Agenda Pin 4. Pro-Abortion Pin 5. Mustard Stain 6A. Gynocological Girltopia Pin 6B. Oral Sex Insignia 6C. Radical Feminist Agenda Pin 6D. Sign of the NYTimes<br />7. Communist Cookie Sale Pin 8. We Don't Need no Stinkin'... 9. Indoctrinate the Innocent Pin 10. Multi-Orgasmic Satisfaction Pin 11. AIDS For Everybody Medallion 12. Homoerotic Sappho Rainbow 13. Rusty Syringe Pin 14. Overies Only Badge 15. feminism or Death Ribbon 16. All Girl Man-Hating Club Pin 17. All Hail Satan! 18. Pagan Belief-System Pin 19. Lascivious Lesbian Pin 20. Estrogenia Council Badge

I recently took out out a rather large personal home improvement cookie loan because my good friend BAC over at Yikes! sent me a link that promised that "Girl Scouts are selling you lesbian, baby-killing feminist militia cookies."

Imagine my joy when I heard that Girl Scout were guilty of crimes involving issues of moral turpitude and loose values. I found that Girl Scout Cookies all all the more delicious upon finding that their rich, creamy goodness is actually filled with rich, creamy badness!

I was quite enjoying my rather large purchase of lesbian Girl Scout Cookies now that I know that Girl Scouts are hellbent on destroying American values, I must say. (Especially the Thin Mints and the Tagalongs. Mmm! Delicious islamo-fascist, pro-abortion goodness!)

My Anti-Jesus Pagan Girl Scout Cookies are helping me to watch my waistline as well, because everyone knows that cookies that are bought for a noble cause have no calories. Also, I am helping to fight Global Warming! (Girl Scouts are green, you know.)

Girl Scouts exposed: Lessons in lesbianism

I was sure that the story was true, because the Googly-Moogly had over 78,900 links that supported the story. Yay! Girl Scouts are man-hating pro-abortion lesbo-atheists! [ 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, etc. ]

And then my world came crumbling down around me like a mint-flavored chocolate wafer lightly dipped in chocolate. (Thin mints are my favorite!)

Much to my chagrin, I found out that the whole story is a fabrication perpetrated by Patti Garibay, the Executive Director of American Heritage Girls, Inc. This organization is a rival scouting program for girls, a "Christ-centered character development program dedicated to the mission of building women of integrity through service to God".

The story was further propagated by James Dobson and the Catholic Family & Human Rights Institute (C-FAM). [ 1, 2 ] Mr. Dobson is something of a colorful character in his own right. [ 1 2, 3 ]

At this point my running mate, Germaine Gregarious, and I decided to investigate...

If you go to the main page of the American Heritage Girls website they have a Flash element that displays several different blurbs and images that hawk different things, including a blurb about the American Heritage Girls being featured on James Dobson's new radio show...

...But the very first element that is displayed in the Flash element of the American Heritage Girls web page advertises a DVD from a private corporation, bigidea.com...

So it would seem that Patti Garibay and the leaders of the American Heritage Girls are promoting the use of giant vegetables to their charges in order to bolster the rather laudable idea that true beauty is within:

New Partnerships Formed, Share Common Message On "True Beauty"
Through VeggieTales new DVD, Sweetpea Beauty. Now girls will have the opportunity to earn a Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch by completing projects on the "True Beauty Guide" made available on bigidea.com and ahgonline.org.

American Heritage Girls Website

Big Idea is partnering with American Heritage Girls, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the mission of building women of integrity through service to God, family, community and country. Now girls will have the opportunity to earn a Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch by completing projects on the "True Beauty Guide" made available on bigidea.com and ahgonline.org.

American Heritage Girls Website

To earn this merit badge (that is apparently chock full of self-esteem) the young American Heritage Girl must host a True Beauty Princess Party. It turns out that gaining self-esteem involves playing dress-up, wearing tiaras, candy and Tea Parties:

Sweetpea Beauty resources are wonderful tools for helping your girls earn their Daughter of the King Badge, and a fun Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch too! Here are some ideas for incorporating True Beauty with your Troop!

Host a True Beauty Princess Party or Sleepover

Order a Sweetpea event kit from Big Idea and show the Sweetpea Beauty DVD to the group.

Create a princess theme – everything pink, play dress-up, serve refreshments in teacups, offer sweets, and decorate tiaras as a craft project.

Review the True Beauty guide with the group and consider the project ideas below to support the lessons on the guide. Choose one or more for the group to do together at the Princess Party.

Include older girls in the planning process – they can mentor the younger "princesses" and earn their Daughter of the King badge as well.

What is interesting to note is not so much that the American Heritage Girls were blatantly promoting a corporate vegetable based product to their young girls, but that they have actually made these products part of the American Heritage Girls curriculum. According to their website, parents of American Heritage Girls must buy various products so that their daughters can earn a merit badge about self-esteem:

Now girls will have the opportunity to earn a Sweetpea True Beauty activity patch by completing projects on the "True Beauty Guide" made available on www.bigidea.com and www.ahgonline.org.

How to Earn a Sweet Pea Beauty Patch with your Troop

Step 1: Visit www.bigidea.com to order your copy of Sweetpea Beauty
(information on this just-for-girls show can be found below)

Step 2: Download the "True Beauty Guide" and the exclusive "AHG Beauty Guide"

Step 3: Plan a special event, such as a Princess Sleepover to complete patch requirements (this patch is a great complement to the Daughter of the King Badge, and an event can easily incorporate both!)

Step 4: Once complete, visit www.bigidea.com to order your Troop's Sweetpea Beauty Patch (available for pre-order now with shipments sent beginning October 2010)

American Heritage Girls Website

A merit badge about self-esteem is only a few credit card purchases away!

See the Daughter of the King badge ideas for more creative ways to teach these lessons to your Troop!

True Beauty support items available at www.bigidea.com:

Sweetpea Beauty event kit
(DVD, guide, posters, stickers, balloons, etc)
Sweetpea Beauty DVD
Sweetpea Beauty Songs for Girls CD
Sweetpea Beauty digital watch, t-shirt, and posters
365 Bedtime Devotions for Girls
Sweetpea Patch

Once upon a time, there lived a royally sour blueberry, a fair rhubarb maiden and a dastardly deceptive mirror! Sweetpea Beauty knows that what's on the inside is what matters most, but insecure Queen Blueberry can't see past her own reflection! So, when a decree is handed down that only the most beautiful can rule the land, the Queen gets nervous and things turn ugly! Banished to the dark forest, Sweetpea's fate seems bleak until a charming prince, a band of merry minstrels and seven snow peas come to the rescue! Will Sweetpea and her friends be able to warn the Queen in time to save her from the clutches of the tricky mirror – or will the crumbling kingdom and the Queen's own heart be lost forever? Find out in this fairy "Veggie" tale about the real meaning of true beauty. [ 1, 2, 3 ]

As near as I can tell, the moral of this tale is that a girl should not really feel capable of handling her own problems, and should instead wait until a charming cucumber arrives to solve all of her problems for her.

This rather ridiculous scenario is particularly disturbing in the light of the fact that both Veggietales and the American Heritage Girls are putting forth this message under the guise that this message is what Jesus wants young girls to feel about themselves. It also seems a bit odd that part of this "Jesus inspired" self-esteem narrative involves spending lots of money.

I am sickened by the thought of Patti Garibay and the leaders of the American Heritage Girls using James Dobson and the Catholic Family & Human Rights Institute to besmirch the good name of the Girl Scouts of America and Jesus in order to promote their own corporate agenda. This is especially galling because no one is paying the same amount of attention to the Patti Garibay and her lies, manipulation and complete lack of cookies.

And this bit is kind of odd: The Executive Director at American Heritage Girls, Inc., Patti Garibay, was involved in a lawsuit [ 2 ] against Lightborne Publishing, Inc. for insinuating in print that a bar called the Smokin' Monkey was a hangout for "skanks and thugs". A judge has dismissed the defamation lawsuit. (Lightborne Publishing, Inc. v. Citizens for Community Values et al.) [ 2, 3 ]

So Patti Garibay was once involved in a defamation lawsuit to defend a bar called the Smokin' Monkey from what she considered to be overly strong language from a newspaper, but feels no remorse about falsely accusing the Girl Scouts of America of distributing a Planned Parenthood sex guide at a UN Meeting and teaching young girls about Pagan stone labyrinths, world peace, global warming, yoga, avatars, smudging incense, Zen gardens and feminism, communism and lesbianism? [ 1 ] (Wait a minute..."world peace"?)

As I mentioned above, the number of websites that is doing a Team Xerox about this false story is astounding. You can find a few lone voices of dissent, but they are few and far between:

(I think that the article that the author is referring to is this one.)

Fear Mongering Malarkey
Posted by rockingjamboree on May 18, 2009 11:35

Reading a quote from Buddha, doing a maze, or seeing Billy Jean King's name on a list of prominent women will not turn my daughter into a Gay Buddhist Communist! My daughter's faith, character and sense of self are stronger than that.

If MAZES are somehow Anti-Christian, why aren't Christian Groups protesting the Denny's Kid's Menu? This article is malarkey.

Promoting diversity is not Anti-Christian or Anti-American!

Gee, why would someone who is trying to start a Girl's Club in direct competition with GSA Cherry Pick through GSA literature in order to come up with some paranoid conspiracy theory of Anti-Christian Deviancy? Patti Garibay obviously has an agenda that she is trying to promote. Why is WND so blatantly promoting Patti Garibay?

I just attended my daughter's Bridging Ceremony into Junior Scouts. She carried the Flag. She recited the Pledge of Allegiance. It was a beautiful, Patriotic experience. My daughter has learned a lot about charity, honesty and yes, Patriotism from the GSA. WND and Patti Garibay's attempt to sully that with innuendo and fear is insulting.

forums.wnd.com

This whole thing is getting out of hand, I say. Who will defend the Girl Scouts of America and their mission to destroy all that we hold sacred?

as anyone that has followed my presidential campaign knows, I like cake, ice cream and cookies, but I don't like vegetables. Please tell all of your friends about this injustice that is be perpetrated by Patti Garibay and the leaders of the American Heritage Girls to besmirch the good name of the Girl Scouts of America.

Don't just do it for the Girl Scouts...

Do it for the cookies!

Labels: Girl Scout Cookies

My Secret Key: The Most Awesome Facebook App Ever!

It's finally here! My good friend Derk the Jerk and I have been working feverishly on a top secret internet project for a long time, and it's finally here... The My Secret Key Facebook app is complete!

With the My Secret Key Facebook app you can send unbreakable secret messages to your friends on FaceBook! (Or blogs, chat or email.) Only you and the people that know your Secret Key will be able to decipher it.

My Secret Key encrypts your message with a unique key (like a word or phrase) that is created by you. To encrypt your message, simply type or paste your text information into the Message box, enter a word or phrase into the My Secret Key box and click on the Encode Button. If you choose to, you can send your secret message directly to your friend's Facebook page!

You can also use My Secret Key to hide secret information on your computer or email from prying eyes at home or at work. Anyone who does not know your secret key will be unable to decrypt it! Make entire blocks of text incomprehensible to anyone but you and your friends. Encrypt your entire collection of Nancy Drew novels for posterity!

I am sending you a super-secret message via the My Secret Key Facebook app. Simply go to the My Secret Key Decoder Page and enter the appropriate information to decode my super-secret message.

The message is:

of qqicazi cnn mpasifttr mu avacfg occe vspszmebcwg hhxr c gszgu gkhfammqn sw ca wvg xolx jyzsvosvwnae

The Secret Key is:

chocolate cake

I love super-secret stuff!

Leslie & The LYs Singing "Tight Pants / Body Rolls"

No time for blogging today! I am too busy trying to explain my revolutionary medical techniques to the skeptical elitists in the scientific community! (I think that part of the problem is that when I demonstrate the more delicate steps of my revolutionary medical procedures to the scientific community, the life-giving gases force me to speak in a squeaky, high-pitched voice.) In the meantime you can watch this swell video of Leslie & The LYs singing Tight Pants / Body Rolls. (A very nice video altogether, but I especially like the kitties.)

Dancing with the Stars: I Have Actually Heard Of Some Of This Season's Celebrities!

My Mom's favorite TV show, Dancing with the Stars, is back for an 11th season, with even more awesome celebrities than ever before!

• Michael Bolton (Who?)
• R&B singer Brandy (Who?)
• Comedian Margaret Cho (Eh.)
• Ferris Bueller's sister Jennifer Grey (Yay!)
• David Hasselhoff (Yay!)
• Florence Henderson (Yay!)
• Actor Kyle Massey (Who?)
• Bristol Palin (Yay!)
• "Hills" star Audrina Patridge (Who?)
• Former NBA player Rick Fox (Who?)
• Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino (Double who?)
• Retired AZ Cardinals quarterback, Kurt Warner (Triple who?)

I am a bit concerned, however, that perhaps the show might be tempting the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse by putting the raw, untamed sexuality of David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff on the same program with the jilted unwed mother and born-again virgin Bristol Palin.

The Bikini Graph

Although the legitimate media has been focusing on the terrible job numbers as of late, I think perhaps that they are losing sight of the big picture. Rachel Maddow said it best when she describes the 'bikini' graph.

House Minority Leader John Boehner Lives Up To His Name

House Minority Leader John Boehner, one of the most 'colorful' member of congress, has been speaking out lately in favor of protecting the ultra-wealthy.

Rep. Boehner's message is carefully crafted to state a distinct position and is directed to a very specific audience.

Despite the controversy of this particular issue might create, we can be sure of one thing...

Rep. Boehner certainly knows who his friends are.

Get Your Filthy Rhetoric Off of Me, You Damn Dirty Human!

I am deeply offended that Glenn Beck has seen fit to attempt to deride the inevitable course of humanity's destiny to promote his own pathetic political agenda. As we all know, mankind shall not be truly content until they learn to embrace the gentle yoke of simian kindness. This is merely another ridiculous example of a foul human speaking out against his genetic superiors.

Glenn Beck: "Special interest! What planet have I landed on? Did I slip through a wormhole in the middle of the night and this looks like America? It’s like the damn 'Planet of the Apes.' Nothing makes sense! The guy who's helped destroy all these pensions, Andy Stern, is now on the financial oversight committee. Is this who we want to take advice from?

"The unions who have collapsed all of the businesses, who have collapsed all of their pensions, they are bankrupting everything they touch, and we go to them and we say, yes, tell me, what should we do? It’s like any marital tips from Tiger Woods."

Glen Beck's point was that he felt like the character Taylor from The Planet of the Apes, waking up in a world that is so very different from what he had hoped or expected.

Despite the rhetoric to the contrary, I actually think that it can be argued that this foolish statement was not an overtly racist comment from a human standpoint - and that this litany of hogwash was carefully crafted merely to incite ire from the more rational members of your society while protecting Beck from any negative consequences by nature of the broad ambiguity of their meaning.

On the other hand, from a simian perspective these words can indeed be considered insulting and reprehensible. Clearly Glenn Beck and his kind will benefit in the future from the wise tutelage of an ape civilization.

salon.com: "It's like the damn Planet of the Apes!"
Emptysuit: Glenn Beck: Planet Of The Apes Remarks
Huffington Post: Glenn Beck Compares Obama's America To 'Planet Of The Apes'
jackandjillpolitics.com: Glenn Beck + The Planet of the Apes = Blatant Racism
thebvx.com: Glenn Beck's Top 10 Questionably Racist Moments

The 6-Year-Old Singing Sensation Connie Talbot

No time for blogging today! I am too busy reviewing my present financial situation. (It would seem that scuba gear has become the mandatory wardrobe for homeowners in the present real estate market.) In the meantime you can watch these swell videos of 6-year-old singing sensation Connie Talbot singing Imagine, Three Little Birds and Ben. (That last song especially warms the cockels of my peanut butter-encrusted heart, as it is the theme to an ancient horror movie.)

The New Republican Mantra: 'Reducing Revenue Doesn't Reduce Revenue!'

the federal budget is not affected by the bush tax cuts...

While the sun sets on the Bush Tax Cuts for the Rich at the end of this year, Sen. Tom Coburn and other Republicans have been making some rather creative assertions regarding this issue in an attempt to forestall the demise of the tax cuts. [ 1, 2, 3 ]

Despite incontrovertible evidence that the Bush Tax Cuts for the Rich have had a detrimental effect on the federal budget, Republicans pay no heed to the facts, because...

The GOP answers to a higher authority! [ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 ]

(If %40 of the national debt was incurred between 2001 and 2008, and more than half of that was Bush's Tax Cuts for the Rich, and the vast majority of Bush's Tax Cuts for the Rich went to billionaires, then that means about one fifth of the national debt was borrowed from our children and grandchildren to give to billionaires, right?)