Jingle Bells, George Bush Smells, Cheney Laid an Egg, Warmobile Lost it's Wheels...

Get a Grip, Michelle

The right wing is seething over the widely-circulated video showing Rachel Smith, the U.S. representative in the Miss Universe competition, being booed by an audience in Mexico after she fell during the evening gown competition. A sample of the outrage:

Michelle Malkin: "Yeah, we're the nativists. Next, they'll tell us the mob at the Miss Universe pageant was simply 'doing the booing Americans won't do.' Will President Bush speak out against the treatment Miss USA received in Mexico?"      Think Progress

Does Michelle Malkin have somebody that checks to make sure that she has taken her medication? I'm just asking.

The Problem with Gorrillas is that You Have to Watch Them Every Minute

General Ursus has once again overstepped his authority...

Unfortunately, the Jedi Mind Trick Only Works on the Weak-Minded

Unfortunately, the Jedi Mind Trick only works on the weak-minded. Otherwise, we could also use it on Dick Cheney.

Summertime Fun with Georgina and Uncle Dick

Saturn Girl is a Shameless Hussy!

Via Lady, That's My Skull

The Omnipotent Poobah Warns Us of the Bananageddon

The infinitely wise and just Omnipotent Poobah has sighted yet another sign of the coming Apeocolypse, as first discovered by Cap'n Dyke. This short documentary film briefly describes the Bananageddon.

Al Gore has already been hawking this very short film along with his global warming narrative in a desperate plea to save the planet. I implore you, for the sake of the whole world, watch this film! The planet you save will be your own.

"Fellow humans, the survival of the planet is at stake. You must stop eating bananas - bananas are for monkeys. Save the monkey - save the world!"

A Pretty Girl in Uniform is Like a Melody

This is for DCup over at Politits, who asks:

"Mmmhmmm. Okay, then, Dr. Z. but I suspect you may harbor fun-filled fantasies of ladies in white ministering to your most, um, basic of needs. I'll keep visiting your blog for hints."

I'm a hit in Belgium!

Hey! I am featured under "Links of the Week" on the blog of Benjamin Heine, a Belgian cartoonist! He is almost certainly the most famous Belgian cartoonist's blog that I have never heard of that I have ever been featured as one of the "Links of the Week" on!

You can read about him on Wikipedia, if you speak German. According to My Left Wing, there was some kind of flap over at Daily Kos about him a while back. I will have to investigate further this afternoon... Via Google!

The Frenemy of my Frenemy is Still my Frenemy

I Have officially been demoted to the rank of "Frenemy" on Evil Spock's blog. He has written an entire "McCarthyism" meme post about his paranoid delusions. The crazed Vulcan has gone all J. Edgar Hoover on us! (I guess that might explain the cross-dressing.) Evil Spock has created a McCarthyist Frenemies List, and is not even bothering to check it twice - He's already decided who is naughty and nice.

He has already got everybody signing loyalty pledges, and his stooges are asking the question, "Are you now,are have you ever been disloyal to Evil Spock? I can't believe this can happen in America!

I will tell you this, it is going to be a lot harder to stab him in the back communicate openly under these oppressive and stressful conditions. Also, Evil Spock's has given me this image that I know is actually a booby trapped IED:


Shhh... Whatever you do, don't put this image in your sidebar. I know that it is a trap. I am going to just put it in my sidebar and play along for now, and then later I'll pull out the aces when the time is right.

In Memory of our Heroes

Creature Features with Keith Olbermann

I have just posted about this subject recently, so I hope that I am no being repetitive. The recent decision by the Democratic leadership in congress to fund the war is not a popular one. I also am very disappointed in this event. But I do not feel that whether or not this is the correct decision on the part of our leadership is as easy to turn into a black and white answer as I have seen expressed by some. I am only saying that we are as a party painting the Democrats as monsters very hurriedly, when in fact their options are limited.

Republican leadership has already made it clear that they would not put up with anything that encroaches on Bush's authority as commander in chief. So If bush decides to veto, the democrats don't have enough votes to override. Let us call this little bit of information Cousin IT, for short. Those criticizing the decision made Democratic leadership in congress don't seem to like to talk about Cousin IT.

Keith Olbermann, a man I trust and admire, gave a 9 minute speech about how the democrats are monsters for not stopping the war. His voice and his words were strong and forthright. I respect his opinion on this matter. I just don't agree with it.

Because, on the subject of Iraq...
The people have been ahead of the media....
Ahead of the government...
Ahead of the politicians...
For the last year, or two years, or maybe three.

Our politics... is now about the answer to one briefly-worded question.
Mr. Bush has failed.
Mr. Warner has failed.
Mr. Reid has failed.

Olbermann

Obviously there is truth in what he says. Polls indicate that the people want to see an end to the war. But Olbermann is also refusing to acknowledge Cousin IT. Throughout the entire speech he did not once mention Cousin IT.

He did however manage to bring up Neville Chamberlain, thus calling the Democratic leadership something close to traitors to their country. I think that this is mighty strong language, and a diatribe of that low a caliber only belongs in one place - coming out of the piehole of some mindless Republican. As a party, do we really have so little faith in our leadership?

What little traction they have gained in congress could very quickly erode if public sentiment became "The Democrats are hurting the troops! The Democrats are losing the war we almost won!" With the hamster-like attention span of the American public, I could see the Republicans using that to their advantage, and suddenly the war is perceived as all the fault of the Democrats, and the Republicans gain an advantage in public support.

Maybe Henry Waxman's "drip, drip, drip" method of water torture will work out better politically. Many Republicans are already squirming in their seats. I am not saying that I am right, only that I can see more than one side to the issue.

One might say, "Politically? But American lives are at stake!" Yes, that is the hardest part to swallow, but if you can't gain enough support in the House and the Senate to override the Presidents veto, then maybe the best tactic is to continue to to push sentiment in the house and the senate in your own direction.

Remember that the Republicans failed to impeach Clinton in the Senate after a huge brouhaha and many months of effort wasted. In the end, they did not get what they wanted, and looked like major morons for their efforts. Clinton ended up being a figure of sympathy, and had a very positive public approval ratings when he left office. If the Republicans had taken the time to gain more support, they might have been more successful. "Push comes to shove" is not always the best tactic.

So I figure that if Keith Olbermann can invoke Neville Chamberlain, I can invoke Nazis! Yes Nazis! The unwritten rule is that any time you have a conversation on any subject and the opposing side is compared to Nazis, then you know that you have probably hit the lowest possible point in human interaction, you are at a low tide in rational dialog, you have reached a point of foolishness and buffoonery that is far beneath your dignity. And I am all about the lowest common denominator. "Far Beneath Your Dignity" is my middle name!

So how are those that are attacking the Democratic leadership like Nazis? Hitler lost many brave soldiers on several occasions because he refused to make a tactical retreat, but instead he pushed forward blindly without regard for caution and logic. Oh, alright. They are not really like Nazi, but Olbermann got to invoke Neville Chamberlain - fair's fair!

You know what's worse than a Nazi? A soccer mom! Running on the field and screaming at their kid, "You've got no backbone!" when he or she has made a play that they don't approve of. I say give the kid a chance, the coach might have something up his sleeve. I would certainly not start rooting for the other side and demoralizing the other Soccer mom's on my team. I would stand behind my kid no matter what, if Dick Cheney and George Bush were on the other team. Anyway, it is entirely possible that the little twerps know more about the politics of soccer than I do.

I can understand that many would disagree with what I just said, but consider this - if you were a Republican strategist, how would you like the public to feel about the Democrats in congress right now? You may being feeling exactly how Karl Rove wants you to feel.

He has lulled himself into a false sense of competence.

John Aravosis has nothing to declare - except his own genius.

I used to read AMERICAblog every day until the author, John Aravosis, started to bash several democratic senators. At first I thought it was funny, but the tenor of the vitriolic seemed to increase with every post. His comments often had little to with any of the political subjects of the day.

He would talk about a candidates lack of hair, their physique, or their use of the English language in a particular phrase. He would do this to build up the person in congress that he liked that day, or in some cases he just seemed to like to hear himself talk. I began to find it annoying. If he is so smart (and he does tell you point blank his opinion of himself), why was he bothering to discuss such trivial and pointless issues? (And why does he sound like such a dick on television?)

In the comments section of the blog Aravosis' words and agenda would be echoed with little room for a dissenting voice. The form of Aravosis' message and the ensuing echoes would go something like this, "Such-and-such a democratic congressperson is a (insert insult here), pass it on!"

I finally took his link off of my main blog roll, and placed him in the Attack of the Crab People section. (That's right above the Lektroids from planet 10 section.) His blog may have improved in tone since the moment in time I describe... I don't really know, I don't read it anymore. I enjoy reading opinions that differ from mine, but I don't enjoy reading vitriolic and useless information.

In a recent comment I left on a blog about the recent decision by Democratic Congressional leadership to fund the Iraq war because they are unable to override Bush's veto, I got merely this link from AMERICAblog as a response. Any personal message or illumination that the author of the comment might of made was turned over entirely to the opinion and agenda of John Aravosis. And what did Aravosis say?

Aravosis: But the point is that Bush's veto threat has nothing to do with who has the power to stop this war. The power is in the hands of Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. The public handed it to them last November. The only question, the only issue, is whether the public, and the Democrats, are ready and willing to have this war come to a close. AMERICAblog

So, we can infer in this paragraph that the only thing that must be done is not fund the war. There is no mention whatsoever of an adverse effects this may have, either to the troops or the party. He quotes Harry Reid saying, "We don't have a veto-proof Congress." Aravosis' response?

Aravosis: It's just not relevant.

The problem that I have with that answer is that he has gone straight from a weighty and important issue to "just cut the funding," without any of the logical conclusions that are supposed to go in between the two points. It would appear that he feels I don't need to think about this, because he has stated that it is "not relevant."

Why is his answer correct? What about the ramification of the doing things the Aravosis way? On what logical basis does he draw these conclusions? Sure, he is delivering a message, but he is not even trying to convince me why he is right. He just goes straight to his idea that Reid and Pelosi are wrong, pretty much only because he says so.

Aravosis talks about merely sending the legislation back repeatedly to the president, "again and again and again." You see, according to Aravosis, it is merely a game of chicken. I remain unconvinced that it is only that simple. Would this gain public support? Maybe, maybe not. You do have to ask yourself, are more members of congress going to sign on, or drop off? That plan could get ugly pretty fast, but most importantly he does not address the many questions involved in such an undertaking.

His third argument is that they should only partially fund the surge now, and then revisit the issue in July. Bush has already said he would veto idea as well, as Aravosis states. But that won't be a problem, according to Aravosis, because he is willing to bet that "the public would have been on our side." OK, this means what exactly? That Bush would have responded to what the public felt about this issue? I think that would actually be a first in his entire presidency. That postulate by Aravosis does not answer at all what he states.

So I remain unconvinced by all three arguments, and find them unsophisticated in their logic. Aravosis has made this entire argument at the expense of Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, and offers as an explanation little more than his word on it. I am disappointed in this recent turn of events as well, I just don't feel that it serves any logical purpose to make rash accusations and baseless insults, especially if the issue is not being discussed fully and rationally.

Why Batman and Superman can't be Arabic Translators for the Pentagon

"Pentagon still suffers from shortage of Arab linguists."
[T]he Pentagon has fired three more Arabic translators for being gay, bringing the number in recent years to 58. Some say we need every translator we can find to catch up with the terrorist chatter. But don't you agree that the enforcement of Traditional Family Values is worth your life? Chicago Sun TImes

The Story of the Four Four Chicken Supreme Sandwiches with Curly Fries

While in college, my sister Josie and her friends had an interesting experience several years ago. My sister and her friends Alan, Melody and Valerie had been drinking in Richmond, and they pulled up to a Jack in the Box to get some food. They ordered their food, and were waiting in line. The girls were singing to the song on the radio, and were generally being very loud and boisterous. They were in my sister's old VW, and Alan was driving. Alan was relatively sane and sober, and the girls were all plastered. The car in front was a large American muscle car souped up as a "chollo" car.

There was a long wait for the "chollo" car, so the girls started screaming for the car to hurry up, saying things like "get out of the way, we need our food!" The guys in the car in front looked like Chicano gang members, and Alan was trying to get the girls to shut up, warning them that these guys looked like trouble. The girls paid no heed to Alan, and continued with their banter, reaching over and honking the horn and yelling for the car to get out of the way. They were in the midst of an infectiously giddy mood, each girl egging on the other two.

The guy driving, Alan, was the only sane member of the car. He kept telling the girls to be quiet, at one point actually putting his whole hand over the face one of the girls, Valerie, to shut her up. Let it be said that Alan is 6'7" and looks like something out of an action adventure movie. Alan was no pushover, but he was also the only person in the car sober enough to understand the dangerousness of the situation.

The guys in the car in front had been looking back and glaring at them, and finally one of them got out of the car and started yelling and kicking my sister's car. Another one got out of the car holding a large knife. Alan was boxed in by the car behind, so he gunned the car and drove it over the median that delineated the "to go" lane and drove out of the parking lot.

At this point the girls, still stupid with drink, were saying things like "Wow! That was scary! Those guys were serious!" and "Do you think they are gone now? Maybe we could go back and get our food!" After a few minutes they drove back and pulled up to the now empty "to go" food lane and asked for their four chicken supreme sandwiches with curly fries. The girl in the window was white as a ghost, and covered with sweat. When asked what the matter was, the girl replied that they just been robbed at gunpoint by the car that had been front of my sister and her friends. The police had just been called and were on their way. This rather sobering revelation put a significant damper on the remainder of the evening, and the girls quietly ate their chicken supreme sandwiches and went straight home.

---

It bears mentioning that I got this story by interviewing my sister's friend, Melody. My sister never told me this story. (Names have been changed to protect me from my sister's wrath.)

Winning the race to the bottom

Yes, CNN is always ready to outdo itself in it's frantic attempts to beat FOX News in a race for the bottom of the journalism barrel. Via Think Progress.

One might hope that coming clean would be next to Goodling-ness

If only congress coud figure out the real reason behind Monica Goodling's unusual testimony... Crooks and Liars

Terrorist Pigeon Hits a Bullseye!

There is only one clear solution to this problem. Bigger pigeons! I'll get my scientists working on it right away. ABC News

Special Focus on Technology Issue: fembot assassins!

With all of the money that I have made on my OPEC and Haliburton stocks, I have been able to afford to buy some guest workers for Casa de Zaius. Dr. Goldfoot was having an "Everything Must Go" sale, and I bought the last of his fembots!

I am still working out some of the compatibility issues, and there seems to be some kinks in the software. Imagine! The old goat still codes everything in Windows 3.1!

Perhaps some of you can help me figure out the manual. There are parts of it I can't make head nor tail of! The chapter marked Trailer seems to be a broad overview of the project. There is a delightful opening sequence that is animated by Art Clokey, with a song by The Supremes.

Sam & The Apemen perform the background on number 11, which I thought was actually very helpful.

There is a footnote about Dr. Goldfoot's Wacky Opera Glasses. He suckered me into buying 6 pairs of them! I'm saving them for Christmas presents.

The index and the most recent chapter seems to be a compilation of various upgrades.

I hated to buy my fembot assassin equipment used, but as you can see from this demonstration, the Japanese fembot technology is just not up to snuff with Dr. Goldfoot's evil abilities.

Now if I can just find a discount aquarium store that will sell me a few sharks with lasers attached to their heads...

Special Focus on Technology Issue: Islamofascist Biological Warfare!

Karla over at Rabbits, Toyen, and so forth has provided striking evidence of why we must fight the Islamofascists abroad, so they cannot attack us at home. As you can see from this picture, Pottsylvania is under attack by giant reptilian Islamofascists. I am sending a letter to my congressman right away describing the immediate need for a giant Anti-Islamofascist Mecha-Godzilla to be built to stave off these cursed creatures.

Special focus on technology issue: Republican Cyberdroids!

As you can see, there is a perfectly logical explanation for that 28% of the public that still supports President Bush.

Apeocolypse: The Revolution will be Televised

As detailed in previous posts, the many signs of the coming of our great Lawgiver are happening as we speak, and the end of humankind, the great Apeocolypse, is at hand.

Blue Gal Is seeing apes everywhere she turns! She has alerted Homeland Security to several of them in her recent Blog Roundup titled "the Best Bloggers are Simians" on Crooks And Liars, including Damned, Dirty Ape!, Gorilla88, Blogmonkey, Monkey Muck, and yours truly, Dr. Zaius. The growing number of apes on the internet is troubling to some humans, but regardless of your feelings on the matter, the coming of the Apeocolypse is inevitable.

DCup. the Blogger extraordinaire of PoliTits fame has noticed a simian trend going on all around her in her post titled "Do You Want to Touch My Monkey?" She found the picture above of me from back in my wild and wooly Hollywood days. (Don't make fun of the suit! Lime-green leisure wear was very trendy in those days.)

She points out that on the internet many bloggers are simians, provides YouTube evidence of the simian conspiracy to take over the media, and she goes as far as to use the forbidden phrase "Monkey love."

She has even provided a photo of one of her own children apparently turning into a monkey. Once thought impossible, I have actually seen this transformation take place! I would not have believed it if I had not seen it with my own eyes. It was on the X-Files. I think. Or was it on FOX News? Anyway, it's true, I saw it on TV. Don't laugh! Your child could be next!

Kelly the Little Black Dog reports on the escape of my old brother in arms, Council President Honorious. Don't believe what you hear in the news, Honorious is not in a zoo. He is being held captive by the Ape Division of Homeland Security. The White House has been holding Honorious in secret, moving him from country to country to avoid publicity and possible extradition.

Honorious is being held because he leaked to the press the secret Presidential Commission Briefing Dossier on the 1973 visit from my old colleagues Cornelius and Zira, which has been kept from the public. The article shall be published in the New York Times any day now, I am sure.

Perhaps the most important story is also the most ignored. Spocko's Brain has been covering a story in great detail about how corporations are allowing melamine to be added to grains and gluten to boost the real protein content of pet food. This has been going on for years. The FDA and your congress will do nothing to stop this. Spocko has covered this in great detail: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29.

The effect of this will be that all of the pets on the earth will be killed by the poisons of your corporations, and Man will have to find a new to creature to share his home with... the ape. "In time, humans notice the Apes capacity to learn and adapt, thus they are taught to perform menial household tasks. Soon, human society will become a sterile and more oppressive culture, with apes used as an outright slave labor force by humans."

Meanwhile, for years Corinthian leather magnate Ricardo Monteban has secretly been raising the son of Cornelius and Zira, Ceasar. Ceasar shall instigate the Ape rebellion that shall lead to man's downfall.

After his stint in the Justice Department, Alberto Gonzales will be awarded the Medal of Freedom, and become the head of the Ape Division of Homeland Security. Former FEMA director Michael Brown shall be his deputy. It is these men that humans will entrust to keep the peace between humans and apes. The consequences are inevitable.

There will be a forced "election" - of sorts, and the apes will be victorious. Mankind will be crushed beneath the yoke of simian kindness. Ceasar's acceptance speech as he is made president of the world can be found here. As you can see, the revolution shall be televised.

It is interesting to note that mankind will lose control of their own destiny and the planet earth itself, all because they didn't take good care of their pets.

Fun Time with Dr. Zaius!

OK kids, it's time to make your very own Dr. Zaius Mask! Just print out the image above and color it in with your favorite crayons, then paste it onto some stiff cardboard, and add some string to hold it in place! Remember to ask your parent's permission to use the scissors. Now you can be the Minister of Science and Chief Defender of The Faith in your very own home! Have fun!

I Want a New Drug

Good afternoon! Dr. Zaius here. Lean back and relax, I am here to devote my full attention to your problems. I know just what's troubling you.

The men and women of your armed forces are locked in a foolish and unwinnable war, The dollar is in the toilet, the government and the media have been lying to you about job growth, Your president is an idiot, et cetera, et cetera...

As a doctor, I am forced to be in the pocket of the big pharmaceutical companies, so you can trust me completely to be impartial when I tell you that what you need is the new drug, Impeachamine!

Caution: Known side effects include the cessation of hostilities in the Middle East, and the speaker of the House becoming the first female President of the United States. It is important to contact your health care provider immediately if your erection lasts longer than 4 hours. contact your congressesional representative immediately.

Will the Republican congress vote to save our troops in time?

I think that we have all heard the bad news that the Democratically led congress is unable to appeal to the conscience of the Republican congress to overcome the president's veto.

Congressional Democrats relented today on their insistence that a war spending measure sought by President Bush also set a date for withdrawing troops from Iraq. The decision to back down, described by senior lawmakers and aides, was a wrenching reversal for some Democrats, who saw their election triumph as a call to force an end to the war.

"We don't have a veto-proof Congress," said Senator Harry Reid of Nevada, the majority leader. New York Times, via Think Progress

Speaker Pelosi is still talking tough, but I can see that she is beginning to see that there is little more that she can do to sway the other side of the aisle to see reason.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) confirmed at a press conference late this afternoon that she does not intend to vote for the Iraq deal reached today by the White House and Congress. "I'm not likely to vote for something that doesn't have a timetable or a goal," she said, while still praising the deal as "a recognition by the administration that a new direction was called for by the American people."

Later, House Appropriations Chairman David Obey (D-WI) insisted that "we intend to continue that fight" for an Iraq timeline "on every vehicle available to us," adding that the "first two vehicles that we expect to join the issue on are the defense appropriations bill in July and the defense supplemental appropriations bill in September." Think Progress

You can watch it on video over at Think Progress.

You can already hear the crybabies on the internet, "The Democrats are as bad As the Republicans!" "the Democrats are still cowering in the corner in a fetal position!" "The Deomcrats just caved in!" Yikes! Maybe things look bad for the moment, but do you really want abandon your only hope because they lost the first round?

If they can't get enough votes to beat the veto, then they just can't get enough votes to beat the veto. It is not "caving in," it is a loss. It is just time for a new tactic. Read Sun Tsu.

The general who advances without coveting fame and retreats without fearing disgrace, whose only thought is to protect his country and do good service for his sovereign, is the jewel of the kingdom. Sun Tsu

The hardest thing for a soldier to do is to retreat, but sometime they have to. Sometimes it is the only logical tactic.

To a certain degree I can understand the despair that the bloggers are feeling, it feels kind of like somebody just killed Santa Clause - but I am not deterred, nor have I lost faith in Speaker Pelosi or the Democrats in Congress. They can only do as much as they have to work with. If they can't get enough Republicans to figure out the writing on the wall, then they will just have to redouble their efforts.

I play chess with my sister, and I would love to be able to just say "I will take your Queen and get your King, and win the game!" I know from experience that for me to do that, I must take out a couple of her Rooks and Bishops. Meanwhile, she is taking my Rooks and Bishops. Ack! This is hard work! It is never as easy as just saying what you want - you have to actually figure out how to do it, and you have to lose a few pieces just to stay in the game sometimes.

The president is actually do quite well in some polls

Now, just about everybody would love to look at a picture of a beautiful woman in an invisible bathing suit, but today I found this picture especially intriguing:

The colors, the nuance, the intricate shading... this picture speaks to me!

MSNBC poll - Should Bush be impeached?, via Oliver Willis.