Winter's New Television Shows

 

How To Look Good Naked: Carson Kressley hosts this reality series in which women are taught to accept the way they look. The show's focus on looks would seem to merely further the stereotype that looks are all important and nothing else really matters.

Miss America: Reality Check: Beauty queens are taught by celebrities to unlearn everything they know about pageant basics and learn instead about the real world, because nobody needs or deserves help in the United States more than a former Miss America.

New Amsterdam: Kind of a Highlander mixed with a male-Cinderella. He is an immortal New York homicide detective. The catch is he'll only begin to age when he finds true love. Will he ever find his really, really real soulmate? Male cliches and the Peter Pan complex are studied in depth.

Cashmere Mafia: The story of three women who all have Ivy League educations, and have became CEOs by the time they are 30. No pressure girls, really.

Lipstick Jungle: The story of three women who all have high-powered Ivy League educations, and have became high-powered CEOs by the time they are 30, and the big twist is that they live in high-powered Manhattan. Brooke Shields says goodbye to the last of her career.

Parking Wars: "If you've ever received a parking ticket then you don't want to miss this fascinating new series. In 'Parking Wars,' viewers get a behind-the-scenes look at the lives of the men and women who work for the Philadelphia Parking Authority." No, I'm not kidding.

Make Me a Supermodel: the latest reality modeling competition series. Each week, viewers will get to vote on which aspiring model will get to stay on the catwalk and who will have to pack their bags and head for home. Viewers are encouraged to hate themselves for watching.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles: Sarah trys to protect her teenage son, John, from harm. The Terminator is a cyborg girl who is about the same age as John. A morality play that involves lessons in both abstinance education and the dangers of evil fembots.

 

The Eurythmics

 

Eurythmics Come to America Ball and Chain (Live) Beethoven (I Love To Listen To) Chill In My Heart Don't Ask Me Why Do You Want to Break Up The King and Queen of America

Here Comes the Rain Again [ 2 ] I Need A Man It's Alright (Baby's Coming Back) [ 2 ] I've Got A Life I Want It All (Peace Tour) Julia (1984) King and Queen of America (Live)

I think that we need to start the year off right with some tunes by the Eurythmics. My favorite song sung by Annie Lennox was the haunting "Julia" from the film 1984. I loved all of the music from that film. It is sad to note that in light of what some of the Republican candidates are saying today that the song, "Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves" is actually more relevant now than it was then.

I won't bore you with details about the band, but if you want to find out more about the Eurythmics or Annie Lennox you can check out eurythmics.com, wikipedia/Eurythmics, wikipedia/Annie_Lennox, and the Official Website of Annie Lennox. I will mention that when I was digging through YouTube, I found a great Annie Lennox version of "Winter Wonderland".

Love is a Stranger [ 2 ] Miracle of Love Missionary Man Never Gonna Cry Again Never Gonna Cry Again (Live) Put the Blame on Me

Revival (Remastered) Right By Your Side Sex Crime Seventeen Again Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves Sweet Dreams (are Made of This)

Sweat Dreams (Remix) [ 2 ] Sweet Dreams (Grammy Awards) Sweet Remixed Dreams Sylvia (Prozac Nation Mash-up) There Must be an Angel There Must Be An Angel (Live) This Is The House (Live) Thorn in My Side Walking On Broken Glass (Peace Tour) When Tomorrow Comes

When Tomorrow Comes (Live) Winter Wonderland Who's That Girl? Who's That Girl? (Live) Would I Lie to You Why (Live) You Hurt Me Eurythmics (Today Show) Eurythmics MTV Promo (1983) Britney Spears Vs. The Eurythmics

These are some videos of Annie Lennox performing Little Bird, Dark Road, When Tomorrow Comes and Sweet Dreams at the Nobel Peace Prize Ceremony, and speaking at the Nobel Peace Prize Press Conference.

Below are some links to YouTube videos that you have to view in another browser window because their ability to be embeded has been disabled.

Angel Here Comes The Rain Again I Saved the World Today It's Alright (Baby's Coming Back) Miracle Of Love

Seventeen Again Sex Crime Thorn in My Side When Tomorrow Comes Winter Wonderland

UPDATE: StonyPillow (blog?) has pointed out that I have forgotten to include these two songs, "Into the West" and "No More I love You's", and I also found Annie Lennox's YouTube Profile!

 

The Moral Bankruptcy of John McCain

 

[...] One voter challenged him to explain how he'd continue paying for the estimated $720 million being spent on the Iraq war each day.

"Are you going to cut student loans?" she asked. "Are you going to cut Social Security? Are you going to raise taxes?"

McCain acknowledged the war's high cost but said the nation would be paying a higher price — the loss of more American lives — if it ended the war prematurely, because chaos and genocide would follow.

"It's going to be a heavy tax burden, but not nearly the burden we'd be paying in American blood had we surrendered in Iraq," McCain said. He added that he would not raise taxes but would eliminate wasteful spending. AP

$720 million a day is spent on the Iraq war, and McCain calls it justified? And he is going to find $720 million a day in "wasteful spending" to make up for it?

 

The True Meaning of Christmas

 

Priests Scuffle Inside Bethlehem Church
The Associated Press
Thursday, December 27, 2007

BETHLEHEM, West Bank -- Robed Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests went at each other with brooms and stones inside the Church of the Nativity on Thursday as long-standing rivalries erupted in violence during holiday cleaning.

The basilica, built over the grotto in Bethlehem where Christians believe Jesus was born, is administered jointly by Roman Catholic, Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic authorities. Any perceived encroachment on one group's turf can set off vicious feuds.

On Thursday, dozens of priests and cleaners came to the fortress-like church to scrub and sweep the floors, walls and rafters ahead of the Armenian and Orthodox Christmas, celebrated in the first week of January. Thousands of tourists visited the church this week for Christmas celebrations.

But the cleanup turned ugly after some of the Orthodox faithful stepped inside the Armenian church's section, touching off a scuffle between about 50 Greek Orthodox and 30 Armenians.

Palestinian police, armed with batons and shields, quickly formed a human cordon to separate the two sides so the cleaning could continue, then ordered an Associated Press photographer out of the church.

Four people, some with blood running from their faces, were slightly wounded. Washington Post, picture via Dot Matrix

 

The Results of Zaius and Monkerstein's Simian Secret Santa

 

Dr. Monkerstein and I finally have the results of our Simian Secret Santa event. We would like to thank everyone for participating! I hope that this list is complete, and I have not left anyone out. Please tell me if there are any mistakes. This is a great chance to see some blogs that perhaps you have not seen before. The links to the Secret Santa blogger's post about the Christmas present are on the left, and the recipient blogger's profile and blog link are on the right. Merry Christmas from Dr. Zaius and Dr. Monkerstein!

Barbara Bruederlin got a present for Samurai Frog at Electronic Cerebrectomy

Bubs got a present for Germaine Gregarious at The Nefarious Lair of LGPPP, Inc.

Becca got a present for Freida Bee at Freida Bee

Chris got a present for Suzy at Luminiferous Ether

Commander Other got a present for dguzman at Impeachment and Other Dreams

DCup Got a present for Becca at No Smoking in the Skull Cave

Devilham got a present for Mathman at When Will I Use This?

dguzman got a present for Dr. Zaius at Zaius Nation

FranIAm got a present for Pokecheck at The Sliding Pokecheck

Freida Bee got a present for Pidomon at Pidomon's Posts

Germaine Gregarious got a present for Bubs at Sprawling Ramshackle Compound

GETkristiLOVE got a present for Devilham at Devilham's Attic

Karen got a present for Randal Graves at L'ennui Mélodieux

Mathman6293 got a present for GETkristiLOVE at Two Minutes In The Box

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein got a present for Chris at Some Guy's Blog

Pidomon got a present for DCup of Politits

Pokecheck got a present for FranIAm at FranIAm

Randal Graves got a present for Karen of Voyages of the HMS Swiftsure

Suzy got a present for Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein at Monkey Muck

Samurai Frog got a present for Barbara Bruederlin at Bad Tempered Zombie

Dr. Zaius got a present for Missy at The [Prefix]iest Thing I Saw Today'

Sooooo....

Barbara Bruederlin got a present from Samurai frog, Becca got a present from Dcup, Chris got a present from Monkerstein, Devilham got a present from GETkristiLOVE, DCup got a present from Pidomon, dguzman got a present from Commander Other, FranIAm got a present from Pokecheck, Freida Bee got a present from Becca, GETkristiLOVE got a present from Mathman6293, Karen got a present from Randal Graves, Missy got a present from Dr. Zaius, Monkerstein got a present from Suzy, pidomon got a present from Freida Bee, Pokecheck got a present from FranIAm, Randal Graves got a present from Karen, SamuraiFrog got a present from Barbara Bruederlin, Suzy got a present from Chris, and Zaius got a present from dguzman....

Ack! So that means that Bubs, Commander Other, Germaine Gregarious and Mathman6293 didn't get a present! Have no fear, Dr. Monkerstein and I were prepared for just such an emergency. We went and got gifts for all of the people that didn't get presents!

For Bubs we got this keen supervillian escape vehicle, just like Ernst Stavros Blofeld uses! Guaranteed to be used as a convenient reason to show up in the sequel!

For Commander Other we got this great Atomic Energy Lab, so he can experiment with the local flora and fauna. Atomic Energy Labs like this were used to create giant monsters in many vintage horror and science fiction films!

We got Germaine Gregarious a m-14a pulse rifle (with ammo), just like Ripley's! Just the thing to have around the house in case of "emergencies."

For Mathman6293 we got this swell ENIAC pocket calculator! Everybody knows that when it comes to computers, size is everything. Mark my words, I predict that octal-base radio tubes and thermionic valves will make a big comeback this year!

And for all of those that signed up but forgot to get a present for their Secret Santa partner, we got this nifty lump of coal crafted in the shape of the loofah that is permanently lodged in Bill O'Reilly's lower intestine. I'm not naming names, except to say this whole thing was Germaine Gregarious' idea, and she is one of the bloggers that signed up and forgot to get a present for her Simian Secret Santa partner!

UPDATE: Germaine Gregarious' Secret Santa gift has arrived stylishly late.

UPDATE: Bubs has gotten a great Secret Santa gift for Germaine Gregarious.

UPDATE: Devilham has gotten a swell Secret Santa gift for Mathman.

 

Bathtime Fun With Grover Norquist

 

No time for blogging today! I'm busy helping Germaine Gregarious re-create Hurricane Katrina for Grover Norquist in a bathtub. He struggled at first, but in the end we managed to persuade him with some advanced political theory and a golf club. (I wanted to use a 3-iron, but Ms. Gregarious felt that the 7-wood would have a more lasting impact.) In the meantime you can watch these swell Julie London music videos! I have her singing "Daddy", "Fly me to the Moon", and "Cry Me A River".

 

Ron Paul Doesn't Care About Black People

 

Ron Paul doesn't care about black people, or at least feels that 95% of them are criminals. From a 1992 article from Ron Paul's self-published newsletter, The Ron Paul Political Report:

Ron Paul: Indeed, it is shocking to consider the uniformity of opinion among blacks in this country. Opinion polls consistently show that only about 5% of blacks have sensible political opinions, i.e. support the free market, individual liberty, and the end of welfare and affirmative action…. Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the "criminal justice system," I think we can safely assume that 95% of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal.

If similar in-depth studies were conducted in other major cities, who doubts that similar results would be produced? We are constantly told that it is evil to be afraid of black men, but it is hardly irrational. Black men commit murders, rapes, robberies, muggings, and burglaries all out of proportion to their numbers. Think Progress

 

BAC has created a video of Germaine Gregarious' holiday potluck!

 

BAC of Yikes! has created a video of Germaine Gregarious' holiday potluck the other night. it's great! Check it out! Merry Christmas, BAC!

 

Merry Christmas, Blue Gal!

 

This is a special holiday shout out to Blue Gal for all that she does for us bloggers. Thanks for everything, Blue Gal! Merry Christmas!

(She even gave me this swell tree!)

 

Merry Christmas!

 

No time for blogging today! I have decided that in my never-ending endeavor to be extra-Christmasy that I should spend the morning actually being a Christmas tree! (If you drink enough egg nog, almost anything sounds like a good idea.) It's not so bad really, except the electric lights are making my needles turn brown. In the meantime, I hope that you have a swell Christmas! Merry Christmas!

 

A Special Gift for The [Prefix]iest Thing I Saw Today'

 

I was chosen by Zaius and Monkerstein's Simian Secret Santa to be the Secret Santa for Missy of the blog The [Prefix]iest Thing I Saw Today.

I was thinking of getting her a cool paintset, because she does some great artwork on her blog, but then I decided she was doing just fine with the paint set she was already using.

So I got her a swell pair of bunny slippers instead! [Via worth1000.com.]

 

Merry Christmas Eve!

 

No time for blogging today! Ms. Greagarious and I are busy wishing all of the blogosphere a Merry Christmas Eve! Yes, that means you! Merry Christmas, as well! In the meantime, you can watch these swell videos. I've got the feature length Frank Capra film "It's a Wonderful Life," the Star Wars Holiday Special Part 1 and Part 2, and Kelly Clarkson singing "O Holy Night". I am also going to repeat this amazing video from day 2 which has David Bowie and Bing Crosby singing "Little Drummer Boy" for Distributorcap, because it is such a great video.

 

Dr. Smith's Presidential Candidate Disco Showdown

 

I still can't believe what happened at The Presidential Candidate Disco Showdown, hosted this year by Dr. Smith at Big Lucy's All Nite BBQ Grill and Bait Shop.

I got there well before 7:00 because Big Lucy was offering an all-you-can-eat special on the night crawlers buffet for Christmas Eve. When I got there, Jon the intergalactic gladiator was drinking heavily, and Monkerstein had already put a large dent in the buffet. I was surprised to see Sleestak in leg warmers - but to each his own, I guess. I thought that leg warmers were a bit too casual for a fine dining and discothèque atmosphere like Big Lucy's.

We all chatted briefly, but we kept the topics light. As Frank Zappa once said, "never discuss philosophy or politics in a disco environment." Before disco, this country was an intellectual wasteland. After disco the Republicans took over, and suddenly even wastelands looked good.

Dr. Smith gave a brief introductory speech that was interrupted repeatedly by his running mate, Marcia Brady. The disco lights were set in motion, Big Lucy fired the starting gun, and we were off!

All of the candidates were dancing up a storm. Everybody was really good, but Ms. Gregarious and I tore up the floor! We boogie-oogie-oogied left, we shama-lama-ding-donged right, and we got down with our bad selves in the best way possible. The pumping-poopie rhythms and unflagging lyric repetition made us into unrelenting disco zombies!

At one point I got my goove thang caught in Ms. Gregarious' secret poison capsule compartment, but with the aid of a butter knife and a fondue fork we were disengaged and "Bustin' Loose" in half a moment, and flexing our disco moves, shaking our respective booties and wagging our Disco Duck tail feathers once again.

Just as Ms. Gregarious and I began to "do th' Hustle," Sleestak got too close to the Disco inferno and caught Dance Fever! He had to be rushed from the dance floor and given a cold compress and an Evian. (You have to be careful, without treatment a severe case of Dance Fever can quickly become Boogie Fever, or worse.)

Ms. Gregarious and I were clearly going to be the winners, when all of a sudden Homeland Security rushed in and arrested the lot of us! I am entirely innocent of the charges, but i am not sure that I can say the same of Dr. Monkerstein...

Chris Chaos bailed us out within the hour, and we returned home to eat some of GETkristiLOVE's leftover monkey cake. I was so downhearted, I had to eat two slices!

 

Funny Money

 

Is it just me, or is Canadian money a whole lot more fun than American money?

 

Tom Lehrer's Christmas Carol

 

We finally have most of the Christmas ornaments up on the west wing. Now for the entry hall! But before we tackle that project, I wanted to take this extra christmasy moment to share with you a particular song by Tom Lehrer. It's a christmas carol. Unfortunately I am unable to find a video of the song that has Tom Lehrer singing it, but I did find a video of the song by a fellow named Robert Kwakkelstein that is not too bad. I am sure that you will agree that the message conveyed is certainly an accurate portrayal of the Christmas season as we celebrate it here in the United States. I have also included the lyrics below. This is my favorite Christmas carol ever! I also have the video to another holiday song by Tom Lehrer, "I'm Spending Hanukkah in Santa Monica". You can hear more of Tom Lehrer's music at this link.

I did find two other versions of Tom Lehrer's Chrismas carol "spoken" by right wing Bush apologist Christopher Hitchens, [ 1, 2 ] and they are so bad I almost hate to mention them, except to point out what a ridiculous blowhard Hitchens is. His pompus introductions to the Lehrer's Chrismas carol are longer than the song!

 

The 12 Days of Christmas: Day 11

 

No time for blogging today! I am busy helping Germaine Gregarious clean up after her potluck last night. (I wonder if there is any more of BAC's jello left? There's always room for jello!) In the meantime, you can watch these swell videos. I've got John Denver and The Muppets singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas", Frank Sinatra singing "Merry Little Christmas", The Carpenters singing "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire", U2 singing "It's Christmas Baby" and Christina Aguilera and Brian McKnight singing "Merry Little Christmas".

 

Beer Tree

99 bottles of beer on the tree,
99 bottles of beer,
If one of those bottles should
happen to fall...

Well, somebody will just have to drink it.

Truth in Advertising

 

Why exactly does the President of the United States need a private army that is better equipped and better paid than the official military of this great nation? And why is their logo a picture of a bear paw that is giving us the finger?

 

Just a Quick Note...

 

The official poet laureate of the Zaius/Gregarious campaign, Freida Bee, has created a froodle for me - I now have Happy Froodilicious Freida Bee Underpants! You must go see the froodle, but stay for the poem - You see, Freida Bee has also written another Happy Underpants poem for me! Check it out!

I must admit that I was also quite taken with what Freida Bee said in her comments, though. She has cracked the sacred secret Happy Underpants code! This is what she said:

"Dr. Zaius, It makes my underpants happy that you have happy underpants now. It is all in the giving of happy underpants, that one finds his or her own happy. That's what happy underpants are all about. Thank you for helping me to know this, the sacred secret of the underpants. If more presidential contenders knew this, the world would be filled with many more happy underpants." Freida Bee

I can honestly say that truer words about my happy underpants have never been expressed. Freida Bee has captured the true essence and special spiritual significance of exactly what it means to have happy underpants. Viva La Freida Bee!

Also, don't forget to RSVP a link to an image or recipe of what they would like to bring for Germaine Gregarious' Holiday Potluck at the Rumpus Room. (GETkristiLOVE is bringing a delicious monkey cake. What are you bringing, Dr. Monkerstein?)

Speaking of my esteemed colleague, it's not too late to sign up for Zaius and Monkerstein's Simian Secret Santa. Tell Bill O'Reilly and his "traditionalist" agenda to get stuffed! Get down with your secular progressive inner child and flaunt your secret plan to turn the holiday season into a season of giving, not complaining!

Also, check out Becca of No Smoking in the Skull Cave's holiday featurette from last year, "Action Figure Theater: Colin Farrell's Holiday Party". Good work, Becca!

I also have a few odd holiday links that are a bit of fun if you haven't seen them before:

lesfreres.org: A Very Merry Unauthorized Children's Scientology Pageant
radaronline.com: Scientology for Kids
Fat Robot: star trek for a 'decorate your space' xmas contest
wgrz.com: Baby Jesus kidnapped, Tours New York
elderavenue.co.uk: A Very Cthulhu Christmas (audio)
elderavenue.co.uk: More Ctholhiday cheer: Scary Solstice (audio)
youtube.com: It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Fishmen via Randal Graves

Also, the winter solstice was last night, December 22, 2007, at 1:08 A.M. EST, so yesterday was the shortest day and the longest night of the year. At least we have that behind us! Maybe you can use that information as a lame excuse for being late or to get out of some meaningless chore today.

 

The 12 Days of Christmas: Day 10

 

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious said that she wants to give me a toothache! (Mmm... Peppermint! I'll take two please! I hope that this does not spoil my dinner...) In the meantime, you can watch these swell videos. I've got Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas", Karen Carpenter singing "Merry Christmas, Darling", Billy Idol singing "Jingle Bell Rock", The Trans Siberian Orchestra playing "Christmas Canon", and last but not least, John Lennon singing "So This is Christmas".

 

Santa Claus Was Shot Down, According to Fox News

 

Responsible Journalism? You decide:

Santa Claus Shot Down In Rio

A chopper carrying Santa Claus was shot down over the Nova Mare slum in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, on Sunday, according to a Reuters report. It was en route to a children's party when it was fired on from below.

No one was hurt, according to the Reuters report.

Rio's Nova Mare section, one of the city's 700-plus slums, is an area know for rampant drug trafficking. Police do not patrol these areas regularly but rather raid them from time-to-time with armored vehicles or helicopters. Brazilian authorities say the shooting was likely a case of mistaken identity.

The brave Santa later returned to the Nova Mare region — this time by car — to distribute the gifts. Fox News, via Oliver Willis

According to language in this article, the real Santa Claus was shot down.

 

Zaius Nation is Officially Sneeze-O-Licious!

The advertising slogan used to go, "They'll know you've arrived when you arrive in an Edsel." In today's stats I found a link to me that has my arriving Edsel style written all over it.

Somebody linked my post about the girl from Danger Island and her white pants on the Sneeze Fetish Forum. That's right - The Sneeze Fetish Forum. I had no idea that there was even such a thing as a "sneeze fetish." It's very odd when you think about it, the girl sneezes and the guy needs a tissue!

Anyway, I am immortalized in the halls of the Sneeze Fetish Forum under the category of "Sneezing in the Media" - and there isn't even a mention of a sneeze in the post!

I'm suddenly glad that I don't have any allergies. On the other hand, I'll bet that the Sneeze Fetish Forum is just the place to find the name of a good pulmonologist!

The 12 Days of Christmas: Day 9

 

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I are busy fighting off the ravages of the Christmas Gunkies! In the meantime you can watch these swell videos to help you find - as Tom lehrer would say - the true spirit of Christmas, that is the commercial spirit. Get your corporate groove on while watching A Fruity Pebbles Christmas, McDonald McChristmas, Honey Nut Cheerios Christmas, Hershey's Kisses Christmas, DirectTV for the Holidays, and of course what would the true meaning of Christmas be without nearly naked anorexic supermodels as impossible-to attain-role models for young girls, Victoria's Secret: "Dazzle Me". The Christmas spirit in the air and everwhere, it's even in their underwear! (And it takes all major credit cards, of course.) Also, for a musical interlude I have Dogs Barking "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer".

 

Zaius and Monkerstein's Simian Secret Santa

 

Santa Clause said that I had to play nice with Dr. Monkerstein if I want to get any Christmas presents this year, so I guess that I will play along, for now. Sign up for Zaius and Monkerstein's Simian Secret Santa for the Bloggermas Gift Exchange!

The spending limit will be between $1 and $1 trillion. All's you have to do is post a photo of a gift that you feel is appropriate for the blogger that has been randomly chose for you.

Then, simply post an image or description of your gift to your Secret Simian Santa gift recipient on your blog. Sign up now! The drawing is on Saturday!

(This was actually Germaine Gregarious' idea. Thanks, Ms. Gregarious!)

 

Perhaps It's a Question of Nomenclature...

 

 

The 12 Days of Christmas: Day 8

 

No time for blogging today! I am busy helping Germaine Gregarious get ready for the big Holiday Potluck at the Rumpus Room on Saturday the 22nd - Everyone is invited! She wants everybody to RSVP a link to an image or recipe of what they would like to bring in the comments. also, don't forget that on Christmas Eve Dr. Smith will hosting the Presidential Candidate Disco Showdown at Big Lucy's All Nite BBQ Grill and Bait Shop. Jeepers - I hardly have time for egg nog! In the meantime you can get in the holdiay spirit by watching these swell videos. I've got the Doris Day Christmas Special, The Beverly Hillbillies Christmas Special, and the Sabrina the Teenage Witch Christmas Special! ...But what ever you do, don't watch the ALF Christmas Special. He eats cats! And for a musical interlude I have Alvin & The Chipmunks singing "The Christmas Song", and the Jackson 5 singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town".

 

A Small Christmas Poem

 

Do you ever feel sad around the holidays,
Like the Great Grincherstein -
You just want to lash out
You feel angry and mean?

How do you cure the Christmastime
    boo-hoo-hoo-hoos?
The gunky and awful
    Grinchestein blues?
There must be way to lighten your mood
that doesn't involve credit cards, calories or food...

With just a click you are listening to Sandra Lou Who!
(Pictured here when she was no more than two.)
That's just what you do. Now you feel much better!
Sandra Lou keeps you warm like a comfortable sweater.

Now everything is dandy and fine -
Might as well open another bottle of wine!
But there's something you've forgotten -
Something important, you think...
(Perhaps some crackers and cheese
to go with your drink?)

Your shirt is tucked in, and your pants are not creased,
Your socks match, both green, nothing wrong in the least,
You're wearing clean underpants, so it's not your attire -
Oof! What is it? Ack! Your dinner is on fire!

 

Presented Without Comment

 

Nancy Reagan and Mr. T

 

Santa's Child Labor Sweat Shops Around the World

 

A Zaius Nation exclusive - dramatic photographic evidence of Santa's child labor sweat shops around the world. Be warned - there are large quantities of lead based paint, and watch out for toys with small parts that you might accidentally swallow. (Remember, child laborers can't have a merry Christmas like you and me.)

 

The 12 Days of Christmas: Day 7

 

No time for blogging today! Germaine Gregarious and I are busy watching the skies for an invasion of illegal aliens! No, we haven't been listening to Lou Dobbs. I'm talking about those illegal aliens that are coming from Mars to steal Santa Clause! In the meantime, you can watch this swell video that explains everything, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians". Jeepers, Bill O'Reilly isn't the only one that hates Christmas - apparently Martians hate Christmas too! I've also got "Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean" and the Ozzie & Harriet Christmas Episode. For a musical interlude I have Paul McCartney singing "Wonderful Christmas Time" and Judy Garland singing "Silent Night".

 

Journalism at 56Kbps

 

OK, This is how delirious I am from having to view the internet at 56Kbps because my internet and cable are still out. I am actually reading AOL headlines. It takes so long just to leave a comment, much less look up a blog or website that I have succumbed to the rather mundane and wretched pastime of reading AOL headlines. I can't help myself! they are like slice of chocolate cake - I can't eat just one!

So the message of this headline is that it is bad to be vain, and then the subsequent headlines tell you to lose weight and live up to a male ideal of physical beauty. Maybe the real message is that is OK to be vain because "just look at what is going on in this ungodly town." Here is the teaser to the article:

"Pride is supposed to be a deadly sin. When it comes to their looks, however, fewer Americans are seeing it that way. That's because the advent of safe and affordable plastic surgery has persuaded even the most fearful and cash-strapped patients to go under the knife." AOL

Oh my god! Where is this foul den of iniquity? This vacuum of virtue? This paltry paragon of petty plastic surgery? Los Angelos? New York? Hollywood?

"No. 1: Salt Lake City! It's surprising but true: There are at least 45 plastic surgeons practicing in Salt Lake City, or six per 100,000 people. This high number could be attributed to the University of Utah's School of Medicine, which offers residencies in plastic and reconstructive surgery." AOL

OK, that was actually pretty boring. RomneyLand nips and tucks. Maybe they just want to look good for the Rapture. They also list America's Most Obese Cities, America's Greediest Cities, and America's Most Murderous Cities. A virtual reality road map to the ten deadly sins that you can scoff at in the comfort of your own dial up connection.

What your 'girl' secretly wants"? Not only is the language in questionable taste and the picture of a woman without a head kind of demeaning, but they are also suggesting that men ('guys') should second guess their wives on their choice of a Christmas present. "Really dear, this is what you secretly want! AOL told me that this is what you really, really want!" (Maybe what she secretly wants is freakin' divorce.)

The other headlines do raise a few questions, such as how intelligent does a bra have to be to be considered 'smart'? And is an article about how to make deviled eggs really appropriate for this venue? I think that they were trying to sneak in the word 'scrumptious' for some added subconscious effect.

This is a perfect AOL headline cluster. They have a pop culture reference, the managed to insert the word "sexy," and they can tie in the picture of a hole in the wall to an article about a Black Hole. Subtle! That's what I call journalism.

This is fun. Since when does 20 miles per gallon equal good gas milage? But on AOL, anything is possible! It's Stylish yet sensible! Paris Hilton serves as a pop culture reference, but... what's this? A mutiny onboard a cruise ship? This has gotta be good!

Note the transition from the title of the initial link, "Cruise Vacationers Stage Mutiny" promising the story of actual mutiny to to the title of the actual article, "Unhappy with your cruise? Stage a mutiny!" And then when you read the article you find that it is really about how lucky the unhappy passengers should have felt that they received a $250 on-board credit to spend and 50% off a future cruise after being screwed by the company. It is really an article about how to be a complacent customer. It is an article about the opposite of mutiny.